If you have ghosted a friend after a major life event, why did you do it and how do you feel about it now?

[NewHome2026]

Seems to be pretty common - something life changing happens (a break up or divorce usually in my experience anyway) and suddenly people ghost friends they have had for decades right when you would have thought they would have been in the most need of support. It’s happened to me, my husband, my sister in law, my mum, a work colleague - everyone seems to have a story of this and I find it so strange and hurtful.

They are flaky on meeting up, they don’t reply in the group chat, they are suddenly always “busy” and you realise a year or more has gone by without you talking and are you even o anymore?

After a while I suppose it gets too awkward to reach out but I always think it is just so sad.

If you have done this, what made you do it? How do you feel about it now? Do you ever think about getting back in touch, and would you apologise?

This is so sad. Friendships shouldn't be hard work. I've been there for my core close friends and them for me over decades.

One thing I have learned in life is to not too think every aqantance is your not best mate and to be a bit guarded which stops things like this. Unless I have known someone for absolutely years I don't expect emotional support any deeper than a chat over a coffee.

I’ve had it done. A friend went “off radar” as she was dealing with issues. I tried to contact her as I had a horrible bereavement (someone she knew and cared for) so I didn’t want to tell her by text. She didn’t call. Expected to reappear in my life a few months later. Found herself blocked and she’ll remain so. She’s not ghosted she is now aware of exactly what she did. Going off radar is the most selfish, badly behaved thing any adult can do.

i despise the phrase and the actions. Maintain good friendships and leave the ones that aren’t good with a firm telling.

I've done this too. I started to feel really uncomfortable about his drinking and behaviour around that lovely person but has a switch that when one drink too many and would be really horrible to other people

I literally couldn't be arsed with it. I am still polite if we bump into each other, still like the sober version but I don't need the drama in my life.
So I just backed off

You sound like you're genuinely trying to understand why people do this OP. Of course it can hurt when a friend withdraws, whatever the reason.

I heard the other day on a podcast snippet (possibly Mel Robbins) that most people shed a bunch of friends every 7 years - and that's without a significant life change. It's just a pattern. I can imagine that a significant life changing event might accelerate or accompany that process.

I also think it can be really hard to understand someone else's position. If you haven't gone through a significant change like the ones you're suggesting OP, OR you have but have fundamentally different ways of coping... it will be hard for you to understand those who react differently (just as they'd struggle to understand you perhaps). It's a limit of being human on most everyone's part I think.

I did this too and I feel bad for doing it. However I had been trying to slow fade and increasing the distance for so long that I felt there was just no alternative. I had found her exhausting for years and just dreaded hearing from her.

Interesting thread. I have backed off from several friendship groups this year. I have two very ill children.
I find the constant checking in so difficult, even though I know my friends care.
i also find hearing all their news about how well their kids are doing really difficult.
I suppose you might say I’m doing what you are talking about.
i also have friends who haven’t checked in with me and I have kind of decided they don’t care so I won’t bother with them.

my friends can’t win

I’m just finding life really difficult

I find this so worrying. It can be hard to stay in touch when you have a lot to deal with and aren’t coping

Yes, I think friendships can often become difficult for all sorts of reasons that can be hard to understand or express at the time.Friendships often develop through the most random circumstances and sometimes ebb away naturally in the same way. Also I think when you go through a traumatic upheaval it can help a lot to focus on the future and changing things generally. Sometimes you know what kind of conversations you're going to have with a friend or friendship group, and somehow that's no longer the kind of conversation you feel like having.

Ghosted a group of uni friends as they couldn't prioritise a single event or moment of mine and I was clearly a z list part of that friendship group. So I just let it go.

There’s always a reason, and if you have to ask yourself why you’ve ghosted, that’s the problem ☹️

I had it done to me, after I split with my partner, someone who I considered a good friend just stopped contacting me. I did ask her about it, she claimed she was busy etc etc. but I’ve not seen her since and that was 15 years ago, we are still connected on social media and will occasionally like each others posts but that’s as far as it goes, it still makes me sad now.

I feel fine about it. She wanted to support me in a way that made her feel good about herself, not in the way I actually needed.

Yep, I did this to a friend who was very controlling and selfish. I gave and gave and they took and took…everything was all about them, there was always a drama/crisis (I had a big birthday which was completely taken over by them wailing and crying at the table because they’d had a disagreement with their partner about food shopping)…then I was asked to babysit for their two children overnight. I said yes and found they’d arranged an event with close mutual friends and not invited me!! What a mug, I only found out when one of them texted me and asked if I was ok because ‘friend’ had said I was asked and told them it ‘wasn’t my kind of thing’. When I really needed help and support they were always too busy so I told them what I thought of them when they moved to a different area and blocked them on everything. They tried to get in touch a year ago (because they needed something) and it was a hard no from me. Your time is precious, OP, you are right to choose your friends wisely!

I have done this with a long term friend, but a short term partner. He was the best friend anyone could ask for, as a partner good God it was awful! He wanted a mum, not a GF but still expected all the GF duties. I can tell you now the last thing I want to do is get physical with someone iv been basically raising! I tried to go back to being friends, he used try guilty trip me anything into taking him back. Try make me jealous with his ex 😂 That's when I decided after knowing him for 20years that I'm done. Do I feel guilty? No, I do not. My peace is important to me, I do have boundaries. If you can't respect them get the f**k out! I get that it sounds harsh but when someone has pushed you to a certain point, why should they be allowed access to you? You yourself are important! You know who belongs and who doesn't. Why should you allow someone to keep disrupting your peace of mind? Not for me!

Same. I spoke to her about it, and she was very apologetic, but then did it again within two years. I'm not repeating myself, and realised she's just too wrapped up in herself. I haven't exactly ghosted, but stopped contact and SM interaction. She noticed that, and started posting passive aggressive stuff, clearly aimed at me, and ironically made accusations of things she was guilty of - 'friends not being there for you'. So that was that; I stopped following her completely on SM. She's just totally oblivious to her actions, and lack of.

Hello, me. I do exactly this and not sure why I’m like that as people deserve better.

2 'friends' cancelled coming to my wedding with shit excuses the day before. They knew I'd been tight on numbers because it was the back end of Covid restrictions (we only knew we could definitely go ahead the week before)

They were definitely shit excuses (told others they couldn't be arsed) and the lateness meant i couldn't fill their spaces.

I read and ignored their messages for a few weeks then blocked them. Looking back they were shit friends anyway. They've bleated on to mutual about me ghosting them.

I've not missed either.

I’ve done this once with a friend who was incredibly selfish and hard work. She was very needy, but then also completely unsupportive whenever I needed it…it was just a really one sided relationship.

She had a general pattern of making awful choices/doing awful things and then blaming everyone else when the consequences came back to her. The final straw came when she was OBSESSED with a male friend and was basically stalking him and his long term girlfriend. I repeatedly told her this was completely inappropriate but she carried on anyway. Unsurprisingly, the whole thing was a mess and just so frustrating to watch the car crash happening in slow motion.

I think if it had been a friend who had at least been there for me once in my life, I would’ve maybe been able to summon some sympathy. But I was just so exhausted with her by this point that I just wanted nothing to do with the whole situation. I didn’t ghost her though, I sent her a message explaining that her behaviour just wasn’t something I could stand by and passively support by being her friend. She replied calling me lots of awful things and we left it at that…about 8 years ago now!

@Mathsdebator @1989whome those aren’t quite the same though - I’m thinking about people who vanish when the friendship has otherwise been good.

Maybe it's not good from their side

Invited my oldest friend who I rarely got to see anymore (just life, not living near eachother anymore, no friends in common etc) but love so much to my hen party.
I had every intention of paying for her if she couldn’t afford it.
we had a group WhatsApp planing my hen. Once we agreed on a reasonably priced air b&b and paid the deposit I woke up to a message in the group saying “sorry I can’t come” and she’d left the group.
I was devastated.
I messaged her saying I was really hurt she didn’t talk to me first and that I’d happily cover her if it’s the cost. She sent me back a big long message guilt tripping me about how stressed she is at the minute so I felt awful.

then 3 weeks before my wedding she pulled out as a guest after breaking her ankle. I was heart broken.
she’d originally offered to do my bridal flowers so 3 weeks before my wedding I had to scramble to arrange those while grieving that she wouldn’t be there for me. I think I must have cried every day in the run up to my wedding over her.
i didn’t get so much as a ‘congratulations’ text off her.
I’ve loved this woman since I was 15, she was always that one person I’d have defended to the end of the earth, described her as the most beautiful soul on the planet but it turns out she didn’t love me. I’m still so hurt by it a year later.

You're hurt that someone had massive stresses going on in her life so couldn't come to your hen do, and wasn't psychic so didn't know you would offer to pay (I assume some stress was financial), then broke her ankle so she couldn't attend your wedding?

Tbh I can see why, even your post is all about your loss and grief and lack of flowers and not one jot of concern about what was going on in her life at the time.

Sorry this happened to you - this is the sort of odd behaviour I am talking about. No row, close, getting on well and the pooff!

Being stressed isn’t a license to treat other people like they don’t matter