If you have ghosted a friend after a major life event, why did you do it and how do you feel about it now?

[NewHome2026]

Seems to be pretty common - something life changing happens (a break up or divorce usually in my experience anyway) and suddenly people ghost friends they have had for decades right when you would have thought they would have been in the most need of support. It’s happened to me, my husband, my sister in law, my mum, a work colleague - everyone seems to have a story of this and I find it so strange and hurtful.

They are flaky on meeting up, they don’t reply in the group chat, they are suddenly always “busy” and you realise a year or more has gone by without you talking and are you even o anymore?

After a while I suppose it gets too awkward to reach out but I always think it is just so sad.

If you have done this, what made you do it? How do you feel about it now? Do you ever think about getting back in touch, and would you apologise?

@Itisallastruggle I agree re ‘best’ friends. I’ve always had a very small friendship circle, many acquaintances but no best friend. Like you I can easily leave a friendship behind, which sounds dreadful but for me I think it is due to being bullied by ‘friends’ as a child. I don’t get that close so can easily detach.

@Whistledown2 Yes I think you’re right. I didn’t have a great experience with friends at school and learnt that people can’t be trusted and can turn on you, so it’s better to keep your guard up. Because I have that opinion but don’t divulge this to friends, they probably see us as being really close, whereas I’ve always got one foot out of the door.

This.

Not all friendships can last a lifetime, if you got ghosted it's probably simply because that person things you're an arsenal, fake or just doesn't enjoy your company anymore

Just enjoy the times you had and move on

Not all friendships can last a lifetime, if you got ghosted it's probably simply because that person things you're an arsenal, fake or just doesn't enjoy your company anymore

Just enjoy the times you had and move on

This is so refreshing! This is exactly how I feel too. Friends feel very close to me but I don't to them. I'm happy enough to spend a little time socialising but I don't need or want the support that they do.

I don't mind lending a listening ear, if wanted, and it truly astonishes me sometimes to walk away from an interaction and wonder if they have even noticed that I have revealed nothing at all.

I actually prefer to attend things alone now or with close family only. I do enjoy chit chat but I'm careful now not to let anything develop further because I appear interested when I'm actually not.

And I don't want to inadvertently cause anyone pain because (I feel) they have misinterpreted politeness for friendship.

really interesting for me to read this, thank you. I wish I could be more accepting that this is how I am: instead I’ve always felt there’s something wrong with me that I don’t have any friends from my early years. Even more recent friendships have dwindled and one particularly close friendship (from within the last 15 years) has completely ended. I blocked her after numerous cancelled meetings, lack of replies, being left on read, and then, when she did reply, her tone had just become more and more dismissive and impatient with me so I just thought (and pretty much said, in my last message) fuck you and blocked her. I do feel quite sad about that friendship and I miss her but I miss her for the friendship we had not now things were in the last 3 years or so. I just got so fed up of being blown out and patronised. I think I reminded her of a part of her life she (understandably perhaps) wanted to forget. It still really, really hurt me but perhaps, reading some of these responses, I should have taken the hint sooner.
Reading this thread has really helped me to realise that how I am re friendships is just one of my idiosyncrasies.

Only once have I stepped away from a very close friend.

She was going through a tough time and very stressed, but lashed out at me, and used to send me a barrage of WhatsApp messages accusing me of all sorts of hateful things. I was so upset that she could think I would possible do any of the things she accused me of, and trying to reason with her just seems to make the situation worse. I had to step away because I was dreading each message she sent.

She hurt me very badly indeed. We cleared the a few years later, and she apologised profusely, but I keep my distance now.

Friendships that I've dropped for the most part I think of them with fond memories and wish them well. It's very rarely that I actively dislike them, more that I just don't want the expectation and commitment of booking time with someone. I want to do my own thing with all of my leisure time. So I might feel friendly, but not friends.

I, on the other hand, feel like I’m maintaining the friendships because society thinks I should, or because we work together or have friends in common so it feels we need to be friends

This all seems dishonest and misleading, @Itisallastruggle. If I was one of these friends I'd rather you quietly dropped me than keeping up this charade.

@TryingAgainAgainAgain Easier said than done when you work with them, for example. I’m a friendly person and I bend over backwards to help people (that’s just my nature). People see that as wanting to be friends and not just good colleagues. I turn down social events regularly until pestered and then I’m polite and friendly, which they seem to read as I’ve loved it and want to get even closer. I don’t want to be labelled a bad colleague, but I’d be perfectly happy to just see them at work and not even get into discussions about non-work matters. Most work environments and colleagues don’t work like that though so I do what I need to, to fit in. If I left that job, I’d never see any of them and would probably block all of their numbers to avoid ongoing chat and offers of social meet-ups.

I’m an introvert that loves my own company and space. The world isn’t really geared up for us, without it appearing that we’re cold and unpleasant (which also isn’t the case).

I once developed a friendship with a school mum. She was the kind to be friends with everyone, always wanting an invite to everything she could get etc. We started off just meeting at playgroup once a week, but before long, I was having her unload all her thoughts on me about the other nursery mums, I was hearing personal stuff about her family that I’d reserve only for close family and she was texting constantly. I’m not confrontational and so I subtly tried to distance myself by not being available. Then she’d turn up at my house, ask if she could pop round or collar my husband to ask where I was. I ended up ignoring her texts completely and it became really horrible. That’s not because I’m a horrible person, it’s because I was happy with our initial arrangement and seeing her once a week. I wasn’t comfortable to be her confidante and see her everyday. She even suggested we go on a caravan holiday together. Some may suggest I should have explained how I felt, but why? I’m not confrontational, doing so would have made me feel awkward and no doubt had me labelled amongst the other mums as weird (she was quite the gossip). I hadn’t changed our ‘friendship,’ she had and I felt within my rights to withdraw.

I've also done this.

I had a very close friend, our DC grew up together. I supported her, dashed round in the middle of the night on occasions. Took her DC to school, fed them, did all I could.

I had a life changing event. She actually cut me of when it was my time to need to support. I ended up moving away and stopped trying to keep in touch. After a couple of years, my eldest received a text from her, apologising, admitting she'd been at fault, please would I get in touch with her. I'd blocked her at that point. I didn't contact her because I figured she had another drama and wanted doormat me back in her life to help mop up her mess.

In an ideal world, for me, there'd be a cafe where you could pop in and say hello to people and have a chit chat.

But never exchange numbers or see each other outside the cafe and no one would expect or not expect anyone to be there.

Want company, pop to the cafe. Don't want company, don't go to the cafe. The end.

With all due respect.... its not about you.

This is a eye opening thread. I'm ND and I don't understand a lot of people most of time. But doing the whole friendship thing as a complete pretence when you don't even like the people or want to their friend at all. Doing it to fit socail norms just blows my mind. I'm far more doing things because I want to. I don't care about looking like I'm sociable to fit in. That sounds exhausting.

@BlueJellycat, I wouldn’t for a second take Mn threads as any kind of guide to friendship as most NT people experience it. Mn friendship threads are dominated by misanthropes who struggle socially and appear to define ‘friend’ as ‘someone I know but don’t much like and who is never particularly nice to me’.

I did, after my friend got married. For context, it was her second wedding - she'd had one 'informal' wedding where they did the legal bit and had a small reception, then a few months later she wanted another 'wedding' that was bigger. I was her bridesmaid at the first event. Shortly after that my DD was born; she was very sick and it was really frightening. My friend didn't offer any support and didn't understand why I couldn't attend a wedding several hours away, leaving my newborn DD and my partner who weren't invited.

I did see her once after that, when she came down to see me en route to another event she was going to. She still sends Christmas cards. I didn't deliberately 'ghost' her, but I certainly can't be bothered to make the effort.

We have a community cafe like that. There are even cards you can put on your table that say that either you'd like to chat, or that you're happy to be left alone.

I stopped talking to a very selfish friend I'd had for years when I found out I was pregnant with my now daughter but I told the then friend off quite bluntly and pointed out why I was doing it at the time so she'd at least have an explanation.

She'd do things like after I'd spent the day helping her and got in the car with her thinking she'd drop me off back at mine on her way home then rather than turn up the road she'd expect me to get out in lashing rain and walk what would have taken about 10 seconds to drive so as to not inconvenience herself in any way.

Years have gone by and I don't miss her. That said, people drop friends for all sorts of reasons. Many people are in their own heads a lot of the time with their own lives going on and it's quite a challenge to make good friends as an adult.

I hope so. I was ghosted and using my critical thinking skills I presume it was because I didn't fit after my friend moved her son to private school. She was telling me how loaded everyone was and how her kids could scoot around the living room as her new mums friends house was so huge. So like with men, she got a more attractive offer and upgraded me. Nothing deeper than that.

I don't mind small talk at all but doing that regularly with people you don't like just to appear 'normal' is alien to me. One thing i never do is build conversations with people i dont like. I will chat to most people. But I'd rather build a rapport with less people than talk endlessly to strangers. Im definitely a sociable introvert. We are indeed all different.

I’ve ghosted if that’s the right word 2 close friends and been ghosted by one.

The first was just getting too much. We had been friends for years, she was very judgmental and a dynamic had been established where she felt she had the right to comment on and tell me off for my behaviour, even in situations where she wasn’t present. I would have liked to sit down and work it through with her, but she made it clear that wasn’t going to happen because she wanted to maintain the existing dynamic. This was all played out in the lead up to her wedding, which I attended as I hoped we could salvage our friendship. After the wedding I just slowly slipped away and eventually cut her off. It was now over a decade ago and while I am sad to have missed one another’s lives, I also think she is still a shallow, judgemental person and wouldn’t want to be her friend.

Friend 2 was hurt by my falling out with friend one and in the run up to her own wedding fabricated a lot of weird accusations towards me, designed I felt to make me not want to attend the wedding - she was worried friend 1 would cause a scene. I just told her to leave me alone and blocked her. That was 8 years ago. That one hurt, but I’m over it.

Friend 3 cut off our whole group - no one was totally clear why. It’s now weirdly like she never existed.

Well, if that’s true, she sounds like a particularly superficial social climber, and you’re well rid of her.

There’s a friendship I’m walking away from. We have been friends with a couple who have separated and so we have tried to stay neutral but supportive.

they have engaged solicitors to sort out property settlement and leading up to this, the one remaining in the property wouldn’t allow a valuer access nor any agents for a property inspection.

What that person has forgotten is they had the property valued earlier on and told me about it and the value. The settlement value they are putting forward is just over half… so I think as they wanted to end the marriage, they are being bloody stupid and I’m not supporting that behaviour.

Why do YOU find it hurtful when THEY have had a major life event and withdrawn?

Who wouldn't be hurt if a close friend ghosted them? Are you for real @toomuchfaff ? It is human nature to be hurt at being ghosted and you don't know what you've done wrong. Nor do you know if they have had a 'major life event' because if they just wipe you from your life, you don't know that or know why.

Thank you @ThatBlackCat i have been starting to feel like I am crazy for being upset about it when it has happened to me, even though I know many others who have been upset when it has happened to them also. It feels brutal.

DH reckons people decide they are going to start and entire new life for whatever reason and they just erase everyone from their “old life” so they can be a new person. I just can’t imagine it being something I would ever do