If you have ghosted a friend after a major life event, why did you do it and how do you feel about it now?

[NewHome2026]

Seems to be pretty common - something life changing happens (a break up or divorce usually in my experience anyway) and suddenly people ghost friends they have had for decades right when you would have thought they would have been in the most need of support. It’s happened to me, my husband, my sister in law, my mum, a work colleague - everyone seems to have a story of this and I find it so strange and hurtful.

They are flaky on meeting up, they don’t reply in the group chat, they are suddenly always “busy” and you realise a year or more has gone by without you talking and are you even o anymore?

After a while I suppose it gets too awkward to reach out but I always think it is just so sad.

If you have done this, what made you do it? How do you feel about it now? Do you ever think about getting back in touch, and would you apologise?

No, which astonished me because I thought our friendship could survive anything. It isnt what I want, but deep down in my bones I know it's over - I can feel it. Its like ending a relationship and I'm definitely grieving.

I'm much the same. I don't intend to hurt anyone but I deal with any situation I have by concentrating and doing it by myself.

Which means that I don't need support to do that. It would feel fake to me to request support as the support would be draining.

If someone needs my emotional support I will try, but some people need all support all the time and I don't need it back so it becomes unbalanced.

I wouldn't ghost someone because they've had a tragedy, probably I would if I had had one because having support forced on me would be a drain.

I've been on the receiving end of this with a 44-year friendship. Our friendship was close, but we lived several hours away from eachother. Her husband left her suddenly, and had been very cold and cruel about it. She was completely blindsided.
I was the one she called when it first happened. Shortly after that, she stopped answering her phone to me and stopped responding to messages. She did the same with all of her friends. I was devastated - at the loss of a friendship that was dear to me and at the idea that she was going through all that pain alone.
This was 7 years ago. I kept in touch with her family and they tell me she is doing OK. As hard as it was for me to realise that she didn't want my support or friendship, she decided to deal with this horrendous event in her life in her own way - one that didn't involve me. And I've made my peace with it now.

Some of my friends are too demanding on my energy. They constantly have life crisis when they’re none. They don’t reciprocate help when I need it.

so that why I tend to ghost… as I need to work out how to get through the crisis … I message them again.

Done that too, many times. For me the vast majority of relationships are situational, if someone is no longer my neighbour/school gate pal then..... why keep in touch?

I experienced something very similar. Although I can’t say she’s nothing to me, I realised how utterly self-centred she is and how one sided our friendship had always been, so I cut ties.

A friend ghosted me after she moved city. Initially I was very upset, but I started to see that we weren't well suited as friends. I realised in hindsight she'd been going through something very difficult- and as I was 10 years younger and in many ways emotionally immature, I dont think i handled it well. Then there was another situation where I had to make a difficult decision and she took it very personally (which was slightly unfair one me).

So what im saying is sometimes I think the ghosting is a way of saying this really wasn't working out. I have much healthier friendships now with people on the same wavelength and I think she probably does too.

I have been ghosted twice. At the time it was hurtful as years have passed I am able to see things differently.

Friend 1 a close mutual friend suddenly passed away. I needed closeness she needed me to disapear so she was not reminded of friend. However to begin with she was not herself aware of this and would tell me how important it was for us to stay close and rely on oneanother. Then she slowly ghosted. In retrospect I can see she was not coping with the grief and needed to be on her own. Sad thing about that is had she vocalised that to me I would have understood and left the door open when she was ready. On one level I miss her. On another Im okay with it now. I would not welcome her back. I would always wonder if she would do it again when the going gets tough.

Friend 2 basically I was not needed anymore. She no longer needed lifts for her children when ours went to different secondary schools. I also think there was a level of jealousy as my dd got into a "better" school than hers. She stopped communicating. She has tried to "reconnect " however that feels like she has realised she was in the wrong and now want to pretend she did not ghost. As I now work full time. She knows this but will only entertain meet ups on her day off. Not weekends or evenings. So I have her as an acquaintance. I wont trust her again I know I am disposable for her.

An apology from friend 1 would be nice from point of view that I know she has worked through the grief of our friend and is on the right track. I want her safe and happy she is a good person. For myself it wouldnt mean anything. It wont change the loss of a friend I loved and cared about.

For friend two an apology wouldn't mean anything as I know she would do it again. She is a fair weather friend.

Out of the mess of friend 2. I did build a close friendship with a friend that was from the primary school and now 10 years on she is one of my closest friends even if we dont get to meet up lots we talk regularly and I trust her.

I understand ghosting often comes out of inability to deal with own emotions and that type of ghosting I have understanding for. The ""you are surplus to requirements" type of friendship I have less understanding for. I'd rather like another friend did say. "Our lives are moving in different directions and we see each other less as lives are busy but I will always value the friendship we had at this stage in life."

OP there are two sides to every story and people change. A friendship isn't a commitment to please someone but a wanting from both people to spend time together. Rather than feel melancholic, could you consider the positives during the friendship and put energy into new friendships?

Over the years, I have had friends distance themselves from me and distanced myself from friends due to multiple reasons. While it can feel sad to realise you weren't invited to something or similar, I have felt upset but it isn't easy to be told or tell someone a friendship is over.

Currently I have work friends and three separate friends (two of over 20 years) I meet up with regularly but, a much longer friendship, I've moved away from over the past year. The latter evolved from a friendship to me being a sounding board for how bad her life is and no thought for me (she doesn't have to work, healthy child, loving husband). She'd probably say she is too busy to see me and that would be fine. We were at each other's weddings etc. but we were different people then.

New friendships can also build so it's not just one way!

I think when someone goes through a traumatic or life changing event, it is normal to distance yourself from people as a way of self preservation. Maybe they can’t handle talking about their pain or likewise cope with putting on a faux smile and acting like everything is ok.

When I was younger, I used to get offended by friends pulling away when they’d gone through something difficult but now I realise it wasn’t personal, it was part of their healing. Some people crave the comfort of friends and loved ones around them and some people need space and withdraw. We are all different.

Firstly, I think using the modern and relatively toxic term 'ghosting' is not helpful and maybe doesn't really fit the kind of thing you are talking about.

Life changing events can make people need space, re evaluate relationships, need a change of pace. Many things can't be discussed effectively on WhatsApp, although it can be a way to make a statement akin to sending friends a letter. 30 years ago a couple we knew split and sent a letter to their friends to explain. One of the things it explained was that one of them was happy to discuss and the other was not.

Recently, a friend was accused of ghosting by an ex. Said ex had tried to wheedle his way back into her affections. She was keeping her distance but did chat to him at a social occasion they were both invited to. Thereafter he kept trying to renew contact, then said she was ghosting him. I guess that's technically correct use of the terminology but quite mean, toxic and unfair to use it as a definition.

I didn't ghost a friend, but I did withdraw when she got back with her abusive husband, exposing her kids to another few years of chaotic home life, with an unsafe man - drink driving with kids in the car, explosive arguments between the parents, very little money.

She had been so aware of how bad he was for the kids, I couldn't believe she took him back as she was lonely.

I just couldn't watch it all happen again.

I agree OP. I understand that some friendships fizzle out or that people have things going on in their lives and need time and space. That's life and that's fine. It's the ghosting and blocking people that I think is unnecessary and unkind. If someone is being abusive or threatening then yes block them. If someone has been your friend for a number of years and you find them draining or selfish then yes maybe let the friendship fizzle out or communicate with them and see if they want to work on your friendship. I think a good friend for years deserves an explanation. Often two people have totally different perspectives on a situation. To be left confused, hurt and wondering what you did wrong in my opinion is unkind unless you genuinely did something bad (and in that case I think you would know why your friendship is over).

This whether the thing is good or bad. re good, sometimes you realise a friend isn't actually happy when things go well so you re-examine the friendship. When things go bad a pity party or constant requests for updates are irritating and very occasionally it highlights an unhealthy friendship.

I did ghost a long term friend.I had begun to find her exhausting and over bearing. I didn’t know how to explain this to her without having a really horrible confrontation and attacking her personality. So I stepped away.

It’s not about you or your husband, perhaps the friend who moved away was in a very black place mentally or even suffered a mental breakdown.

Same here - massively one-sided. She has apparently been saying “I don’t know what I’ve done…” and that’s the whole point - she never did anything unless it was to benefit her. I don’t want her in my life any more and I won’t apologise for that - she can keep wondering until the end of time as far as I’m concerned.

Sometimes big life events provoke self reflection and therapy and realising boundaries and values and who is and isn’t treating them well. They might have realized as a result that a relationship with you wasn’t serving them well and wasn’t meeting their needs or was making them feel bed and they didn’t want to continue it

I ghosted a friend. I’d just reached the end. Any plans we made I would always think she’s going to cancel anyway so what’s the point? And 95% of the time I was right. I would see her make plans with other people and stick to it. She’d used me for money previously and when she went through a breakup she practically slept at mine every night.

I just realised I deserved better and I cut contact. She has since made attempts to contact me and I think she’s finally realised how badly she treated me. But I’ve moved on.

I have been both ghosted ( twice) and been a gostee. It’s just life.

People have stuff , I may have hit a nerve, they may have exasperated me one time too many. Things change and people change. And that can be the best decision rather than hanging on to something.

As for the major life event thing, I’m going through one of those at the moment and I don’t want to talk about it so have temporarily withdrawn. I don’t like the person I am currently and I think this will change me. So I will see what happens on the other side but would hope people would respect my decisions going forward.

Im going through this at the moment. Following an event saw them with fresh eyes on how self centred and selfish they could be. Finally realised i'd been used both financially and emotionally for years, and decided i'd had enough. Not spoken since and feel much better not having them in our lives. Even if they apologised, I won't be letting them back in. Life's too short and I want to surround myself with people who make me happy 😊

I withdrew from a friendship at 21, one of my ‘best’ friends was continually cancelling plans last minute to spend time with a boyfriend who cheated on her constantly. It was tiring and hurtful. I had a moving abroad party and she chose to go out with him instead of spending 30 minutes to say hello/goodbye which hurt. She tried to reach out when I moved back to the UK but I ignored it. She recently tried to reach out again and we’re having polite conversation as i’m not decided whether I want to have a friendship with her again, although we did have some great memories growing up.

My friend, and like a sister too, we were very close knew each other 19 years, she was with me in 2 of my labours, helped me with my new home. I helped her in her jobs, supported her in university and would check in on her regularly and send messages and make sure she was ok driving long distances from family back to uni etc, would buy her gifts, paid her significant amounts of cash to babysit, like above what anyone else would get.
But whenever she got a boyfriend, she would forget you. She would also respond 1 week to 2 weeks later, She was also god mother to my kids, she was a very kind and sensible and caring person. Very beautiful inside and out. I miss her dearly. But I would get cancelled on last minute literally seconds before we are about to meet.
So myself and the children would be ready and excited to go to a cafe/garden centre/soft play/animal park and she would message me saying sorry im taking my mother instead to the above places. And id just be like oh, ok, enjoy your time with your mum. And it happened so many times.
She would also cancel me to walk the dog. Or just not show. Or say she was going to help her new boyfriend clean his rabbit hutch or something like that. Fine, I respected she had a partner but why make plans with me and then cancel literally same day and same time we were meant to be meeting.
And I just got fed up of it.

Then I was expecting my third child, and she said please please please I want to be with you in the labour and birth. I said ok, I was happy to have her support. She told me she was at a fair doing a stall for her new business. I laboured at home slowly but kept her posted through out the day. Come the evening, I told her me and my husband are making our way to the hospital as contractions are really racking up.
She said she isn't coming she's chosen to go night clubbing with her boyfriends mates. I was just like what, really. I'm your friend of 19 years, this boyfriend is less than 6 months. But we said ok, fine, enjoy your night.

Next day, she came to the hospital with Cadbury buttons, told me she was sorry but glad to see a healthy happy baby, held the baby and told me she hopes to see all of us again soon.
Well, every opportunity was cancelled to walk the dog or take mum to buy plants at garden centre, kids let down as they really loved her too. I was gutted. That in the end I ignored her messages to meet up, and she messaged me weeks later saying is there anything wrong and why you dont seem keen to meet up any longer.
I left it on read for a week, and responded with I love you dearly, but ive been cancelled so many times, ignored, pushed aside, left standing waiting for you in town/train station/etc. You chose your boyfriends mates to go to a club with, over me being in childbirth. Whilst I appreciate you have your own life, you shouldn't have said earlier in the day you wanted to be there and to keep you informed. I felt stupid.

Her response was , my boyfriends friends are her friends too,as well as you being my friend. I simply doesn't have time to see YOU. I am so so so busy with new business and opening up a bakery and for what its worth, I dont even see my uni mates, or my other friends who moved away or friend who left to go work in california, so its not just you, im so overwhelmed with work, I dont even sit down for 5 minutes, everyone's ordering my catering/bakery goods for their events and special occasions . And i dont even sit down for ten minutes to be a couple with my partner and watch tv together and hes really down in the dumps and your phone call that you were in labour just came at a really bad time when I was trying to let my hair down. Can we wipe the slate clean???

I just was amazed. I tried to be understanding. Even responding with sure, go walk Peppy the dog and enjoy your lovely day with your mum. But it just got too much. She'd promised to take the kids bowling and then let us down as we are stood at the door. I often check her Facebook. She has a new boyfriend now who works in her bakery and had a baby too. I wish her nothing but the best in my heart, but im done.

Sometimes friendships are too draining. Best to move on.

My sister committed suicide when I was 22, and I cut off my entire close friend group. This includes my best friend, who had been like another sister to me since we met at the age of 3, and some other close friends from high school.

I didn't give them an explanation, I just stopped responding to calls and emails, and I moved far away soon after that.

Why did I do it? I'm not even sure I fully understand and it was hard/painful for me to do and made me so sad, I just know that it was something I had to do. I think it had something to do with how alone I felt and how I was in such pain, yet they weren't, and they didn't understand and couldn't understand? It made me so angry at my situation and also, because losing my sister was so traumatic and all-encompassing, it made the friendships and other relationships seem so insubstantial and, well, pointless in the face of the sheer sadness and heartbreak I was feeling. I was almost suicidal myself at that point. I was devastated and didn't know what to do, and it was more of a survival issue for me, if that makes sense. I was focused on my own survival and those friendships and other relationships weren't helpful in that way, so I had to push them aside and try to find a way through.

But I don't fully understand myself. I never made the same close friendships again, and I still sometimes have dreams of my best friend and wonder how she's doing. But I won't contact her again because it will bring back the trauma and feelings of that time after my sister died.