If you have ghosted a friend after a major life event, why did you do it and how do you feel about it now?

[NewHome2026]

Seems to be pretty common - something life changing happens (a break up or divorce usually in my experience anyway) and suddenly people ghost friends they have had for decades right when you would have thought they would have been in the most need of support. It’s happened to me, my husband, my sister in law, my mum, a work colleague - everyone seems to have a story of this and I find it so strange and hurtful.

They are flaky on meeting up, they don’t reply in the group chat, they are suddenly always “busy” and you realise a year or more has gone by without you talking and are you even o anymore?

After a while I suppose it gets too awkward to reach out but I always think it is just so sad.

If you have done this, what made you do it? How do you feel about it now? Do you ever think about getting back in touch, and would you apologise?

Similar to @bikergran I cut off from my oldest friend when I split from my ex partner of 10 years and she effectively took his side after he'd been an absolute cock to me. She was a bit of an odd character tbh and we'd been growing apart for some time. I'd begun to wonder how much we had in common. It all felt a bit one sided when I always had to go to her social engagements to see each other - then she'd get outrageously pissed and put herself to bed leaving us with a load of strangers. She seemed to bob between weird friendships - people she'd met a bus stops etc. She'd only met exP a few times so it felt like an actual betrayal. I'd moved out of his house on my own and lost a parent simultaneously so could've done with her support.
Anyway, not sad and don't especially miss her.

I completely understand what you were saying, Taztoy. It's humiliating and enraging to be the object of performative concern.

I think I have, but wouldn’t be dramatic and call it ghosting.

when something big happens to you, it shows you who your real friend are. The people that add value and don’t drain you further. It kind of weeds out some of the weaker friendships. It also gives you the confidence to put boundaries up and put yourself first.

sometimes people think they are a good friend, but really they are quite selfish. Never stop to ask what someone needs and just expects a person to behave like they would.

maybe someone ‘ghosted’ tiy because they just couldn’t keep the friendship in thier life for thier own reasons.

it must feel awful to loose a friend that u considered close, but maybe thier experience if the friendship was different? not saying u were a bad friend. It’s hard but everyone had autonomy and you can’t control other people in how they act and who they want to be around.
I learnt this a while back, wondered why people didn’t give me back what I gave. It’s simply because they didn’t want to.. didn’t value me like I wanted them to value me. What I have wasn’t maybe authentic in that it was probably a projection of the kind of friend I wanted.

anyway… just my musings

I’ve done this a couple of times. At the same time actually just 2 different people. I’d been with my partner around a year and was finally around good people who really treated me kindly. It highlighted how rubbish these 2 friends had been treating me over the years and put things into perspective. In hindsight I probably should have said my piece and moved on but I didn’t. I just stopped speaking to them. And not surprisingly they never really cared. Neither reached out to see what was going on. I could have been dead for all they cared.

Exactly this. It’s not me being self absolved or anything else.

I actually wanted NOT to talk about it but her constant (and it was constant) messages and calls were not helpful to me. They were making me spiral. And she would not stop.

was I supposed to sacrifice my mental health on the altar of her performative concern? Some here appear to think so.

I have done this many times tbh. It’s generally nothing personal to the people and I do still like them, but I need to prioritise my own/families needs and have little to no capacity for maintaining friendships as well. I wouldn’t reach back out as a lot of people seem to have time limits on these things and it makes me anxious to think I’ve upset them. Similarly though I’ve had friends do this and then get back in touch and we’ve picked back up from where we were before. I think maybe I just view it differently to others. I don’t think regular contact is necessary to remain friends.

I am really surprised by this thread. I have had one hell of a year and have found it really hard to keep up with friendships. I hope my real friends understand. Some have barely checked ina md I’ve realised they’re not real friends. But others are always there and I feel like I can’t actually confide in them. It’s very isolating. I know I’m a good friend and I know they wouldn’t believe me to have ghosted them. I just feel bad that I isolate myself but I literally have nothing left to give friends

Going off radar is survival mode for many people when they are going through hell.

My best friend is a hyperchondriac , but she is very critical and dismissive of anyone else's real health issues. I overlook it despite having fibro/ chronic fatigue and feeling a bit hurt by her attitudes, but when my dad got cancer last year it gave her really bad health anxiety. I was understanding at the time but this year my Dad's cancer has come back and I haven't bothered telling her. I actually can't be bothered to speak to her at all.

This! and the ghosting doesn't have to be around a big event, it could be the straw that broke the camels back. The one last thing where you realise you've put up with too many backhanded compliments or once again they make YOUR big day about them and that they are actually pretty toxic and you've given them the benefit of the doubt once too often.

So I had a major traumatic and life changing event happen to me and unfortunately most of my friends have completely tailed off. I know I have been withdrawn but I do not have the energy to socialise and act happy. The friends who have stood by me are the ones I will always truly treasure.
On the other hand, I ghosted someone who I realise now was a user and just wanted me around when there was no one better or more useful. I decided to not be a doormat anymore and yes it hurt as I actually thought we were genuine friends but they have now latched on to the next poor sucker.

I think some people see friendship as fair weather type relationships. They will be friends if the person is convenient to them (if they are local or offer something they want like money, status or company) they can take it or leave it.
It’s not how I see friendship, I genuinely care about my friends not unconditionally but I wouldn’t drop them for silly little reasons and would try to fix the problem. I’ve been trying to relax my understanding of friendship because I have ended up getting hurt.

I’ve done this twice. First time was one of my very best friends. After we had babies (at a v similar time) she became insufferable. I was having a very hard time and she seemed intent on saying things to put me down. Over the course of a couple of years I distanced myself more and more and eventually faded away. I realised I didn’t need someone in my life who could make me feel that shit. I didn’t talk to her about it as my priority was my own mental health not trying to give her another chance.
the second time a friend was extremely mean to me. It was very drunken but I was incredibly upset and I honestly just couldn’t bring myself to be her friend anymore. She apologised but the damage was done.

to me you don’t owe anyone your friendship. It’s like a relationship - if something changes and it doesn’t work anymore then that’s ok. I believe some people are in your life for a season and reason and that’s it and that’s fine. My life is so busy with twins and a full time job, I only have time for a limited number of friends and so I have to be selective as to those which really matter to me.

@NewHome2026 - which way round did you mean. I’ve read some replies but they seem to be from people who were HAVING the problem and didn’t reach out to friends for support during (or after in some cases).

Did you mean this, or did you mean people who have ditched their friend when the friend was going through a big life issue?

I’ve done the former when going through some stuff myself and didn’t want to reach out or burden others. Perhaps that suggests I felt my friends wouldn’t want to help (ie be burdened). I wouldn’t and haven’t apologised for being like this.

I’ve not done the latter and always try to help and support as much as I can.

Yeah, I think it's a combination of overwhelm and changing frame of reference.

I find when I'm going through a life changing event, it hard to engage in day to day shit. Your frame of reference is temporarily altered.

This is interesting, I definitely have friends who think their stresses justify any behaviour they feel like.

I always put a brave face on things and have been through several big events (hasn’t everyone!) but I still got back to friends or tried to make an effort. I wonder if that’s why I get quite annoyed when others don’t, because I put myself through the stress of that and they don’t bother to try at all.
Obviously within reason but in the example the pp gave id text my friend and explain why I could go to the hen, not just say no.

Same. Gave continuous face to face and phone support to a long-time friend during many of her personal crises although she has a DH and adult children. I have no family or friends other than her and anytime I mention anything about myself she would turn it to her so I would sometimes hint that I’m struggling after I dislocated my shoulder but no help was offered just a million Qs to ask what caused it so she could avoid a similar injury! Few months after fractured my foot bone and again really struggled in a large home alone so again strongly hinted was struggling and could do with some help but again nothing whilst in the past I have been up all hours to,rush to her various past emergencies.

For me the last straw was when she asked on a work night to come over about 8.30pm to talk which I said okay to as I just can’t bring myself to decline even though I was so tired after work (she works PT sometimes only). And then when I tried to interject with something that related to me after a non stop monologue about her latest issue, she actually shushed me and sternly said she’d onky got a few mins before she had to go and so could I just stay focussed on her issue!

My jaw just hit the floor and I just nodded dumbly and after she left, I think I was in shock for the entire next week! Also not long before that I’d accidentally found out that she constantly had weekends away with other newer friends but had constantly told me she was too busy/ financial unable to even have a local day out. The penny dropped that I was the friend reserved solely to trauma dump on and I found it incredibly upsetting as I have supported her through her husbands cheating x2, birth of her unexpectedly son when she was in her late 40s and most recently a breast cancer scare which was pretty emotionally exhausting also. So I didn’t know where to start with a relationship that started two decades ago and o felt emotionally overwhelmed just thinking about her so I told her I was struggling with something and would contact her when I was able. She messaged and rang several times after that but I felt too sick to reply, ever speak to or see her again. She’s fine she has a huge family and friends network just an unpaid counsellor she’s lost.

The trouble is that if you're a person who deals with life events without wanting support you end up drained if the other person is not like that.

So you face situations where they're crying over something and you're supporting both yourself and the outward support seeker.

I suppose the other person might welcome the opportunity to return support, but it would be an extra burden!

The ghoster in a situation like the above is probably thinking 'oh not again, you were crying about your dishwasher yesterday' then makes soothing noises whilst worrying, silently, about their own difficulties.

And what would you say 'you are too needy, I find your personality structure frustrating'? You just hope desperately that they learn to read the room and realise that it's all one way. A mismatch.

I had a very long term friend like that, it was absolutely awful. Hours and hours on the phone with her analysing every minor setback. I actually couldn't stand her in the end. And I also realised that she uses other people to an outrageous degree too.

I ghosted a friend when I was pregnant. Maybe she thought it was due to the pregnancy/subsequent birth. But it wasn't, it was because every time we met she would tell me about the latest married man she was having an affair with /chasing and I just realised our values were so far apart

I have only ever purposefully phased out a friend once in my life. I realised that despite being close, they didn't respect my time or reciprocate the friendship and would flake on me excessively, then if I told them it bothered me when they let me down, I then had to deal with me being the "bad guy". I ended up realising I didn't even enjoy spending time with them and they were in fact very draining to be around.
I stopped committing to plans, only responding very generically and not initiating any contact. Eventually we just didn't speak any more as it gradually stopped.
I'm not sure if "ending" a friendship suddenly with a reason, or having a conversation about taking a step back would have been kinder or not to this person, nor do I imagine she would have been understanding if I did.
But I absolutely did the right thing for me, and I absolutely do not regret it. I now only give my time to the people who value me as much as I value them, and bring joy to me.

It was always about her.
I felt free.

It's ok to need a break but I still think there is no excuse for being nasty about it. I had a good friend who had a very serious diagnosis, a life altering disability. She disappeared for a while but every now and again maybe 3 months or so she would message to say she was not up for socialising or talking and needed to focus on herself, or she wasn't in a good place in her life and wanted space etc. I understood and backed away and hoped she would get in touch but understood if she didn't. In time she got in touch, I'd say at least a year without seeing each other. I never had anything but positive thoughts towards her. As opposed to another friend who I posted about upthread who made me feel like I was nothing and like I did something wrong because she was going through a bad patch. She knocked my confidence terribly but didn't give a shit.

For those who are saying 'but I was having a bad time, i was overwhelmed' etc that may be true but you still treated another person very badly and need to take responsibility for this. You can be going through a rough patch and still be a decent person, or you can be an asshole. That's a choice.

OP, was the damage already done in the friendship prior to the ghosting?

A former friend once contacted me after years of silence following a secret cancer battle. I decided not to rekindle the friendship as I felt that the damage had been done before her illness. I wonder whether she thinks my decision was because of the major life event.

Not the same but I ghosted my MIL when I had cancer and she never asked me once how I was or how she could help (eg with the kids). Never regretted it. When my mother died a good friend knew (as her husband confirmed) but never said anything. Again, never regretted it.