If you have ghosted a friend after a major life event, why did you do it and how do you feel about it now?

[NewHome2026]

Seems to be pretty common - something life changing happens (a break up or divorce usually in my experience anyway) and suddenly people ghost friends they have had for decades right when you would have thought they would have been in the most need of support. It’s happened to me, my husband, my sister in law, my mum, a work colleague - everyone seems to have a story of this and I find it so strange and hurtful.

They are flaky on meeting up, they don’t reply in the group chat, they are suddenly always “busy” and you realise a year or more has gone by without you talking and are you even o anymore?

After a while I suppose it gets too awkward to reach out but I always think it is just so sad.

If you have done this, what made you do it? How do you feel about it now? Do you ever think about getting back in touch, and would you apologise?

I think it takes nothing to say 'I'm not in a great place right now and need my space. Will get back to you first when I'm up to being socailble again" takes two seconds out your day and is a clear as possible

I suspect a lot of ghostings don't start out that way. The person doesn't feel up to talking to someone, days pass, suddenly it is a week or two, and then it seems easiest to keep on with it rather than contacting someone to tell them you aren't going to be contacting them. Also, I think that by the time people have got to the point of ghosting someone they just want them gone, they don't want to have an awkward conversation with that person about why they don't want to be their friend any more and they don't want to be persuaded to have another go.

I did that. She didn’t listen.

@Taztoy I think sometimes female friendship groups can become a bit ghoulish and grief vulturish. It can come from a good place but end up creating pressure and scrutiny at a time when its the least helpful thing.

I remember when I was getting divorced having this with one particular friend who was extremely kind but very over-involved in my situation and full of opinions about what I ought to do. I was getting daily texts to ask how I was feeling etc.

It became really draining and almost like she was another person in the marriage: she seemed to want to project manage my response to the end of my marriage.

The whole point about dealing with a traumatic life event is that you don’t know how you feel about it until it’s over and your perspective changes all the time. Having someone want constant updates on your state of mind and giving you emotional “homework” to do just feels like another burden you don’t need.

Sometimes pulling away can be easier than constantly having to explain yourself and go over things again snd again.

Ghosting isn’t great but I think friends need to be honest with themselves about what their motivations are for being a “supportive friend” during a traumatic event. If it genuinely comes from a place of concern, as opposed to wanting to stickybeak, respect the fact that the person doesn’t need more emotional work than they already have.