If you have ghosted a friend after a major life event, why did you do it and how do you feel about it now?

[NewHome2026]

Seems to be pretty common - something life changing happens (a break up or divorce usually in my experience anyway) and suddenly people ghost friends they have had for decades right when you would have thought they would have been in the most need of support. It’s happened to me, my husband, my sister in law, my mum, a work colleague - everyone seems to have a story of this and I find it so strange and hurtful.

They are flaky on meeting up, they don’t reply in the group chat, they are suddenly always “busy” and you realise a year or more has gone by without you talking and are you even o anymore?

After a while I suppose it gets too awkward to reach out but I always think it is just so sad.

If you have done this, what made you do it? How do you feel about it now? Do you ever think about getting back in touch, and would you apologise?

I ghosted a friend once. And I'm not sorry about it.

She really struggled with her 3 DC ( youngest was only 2 ) and I would end up taking them to school and having them after school to give her a break. She had a DP who lived with her where as I'm single with no help from my children's dad.

I ghosted her because she got pregnant again and was expecting me to look after the baby alongside the other children.

I still walk past her regularly and I don't feel bad for ghosting her. I see her with 4 kids all stressed out and she would of happily had me helping her with 4 children whilst having my own and having no family support for mine🤦‍♀️

By cancelling on a hen do it sounds like she couldn't afford, for a friend who sounds like she was completely self absorbed at that point?

I think that's absolutely fine.

If someone vanishes, I would say the majority of the time the friendship hasn't been good for both people. The person who is ghosting may not show any signs of not being happy, but I don't think it is just something they decide to do one day out of the blue.

I have faded out a few friendships over the years. They were self-centred people and there came times when I was taken up with my own problems and didn't have time or energy to listen to them talk about themselves, but their self-centredness meant that they couldn't see that. I suspect that is the case in a lot of ghosting situations.

Yes sometimes a good reason why if friendship has fizzled out. Ive been ghosted op. It did sting. I think this person got flaky after covid. I feel looking back it suited her to use me in morns as she didnt work. Anyway I moved on from it.

My best friend and I would talk everyday. There wasn't a thing I could not tell her about and same for her. Then I got breast cancer more and more. She disengaged from conversation from simple etc etc to the point it was noticeable and very painful. I mentioned it to her and her response was well." You have lots of friends. Why do you need me"

We planned the holiday to the US, in my mind it was a make Or break kind of holiday. But slowly again, she disengaged comments of things being too expensive or I being a waste of time when it came to booking activities. I'd booked and paid for the hotels, event tickets etc etc. All she needed to do was book her own flight as my father paid for my flight as a gift. She never did. She told a mutual friend 6 weeks before the trip that she was looking forward to it etc etc. Then 4 weeks before the trip she turned to him and said she's not going and that I'll figure it out myself.

In that moment I decided that's who she really is and past a long voice note calling her out on her bullshit. I blocked her on everything.

18 months later I found out she died and that was 6 months ago and I'm still in this very complicated space of grief. Like even now I just found a Facebook post that I know me and her would have a good laugh over and I've just stopped and realised I don't have anyone in my life anymore who I could just completely share such a post with and have a giggle over.

So yeah I've experienced ghosting with a friend and now it's like she literally is a ghost so 🤷

No, I’m hurt that she guilt tripped me for being upset that she didn’t contact me to let me know she couldn’t come to my hen (other than the super impersonal group message), that she didn’t apologise, that she didn’t give a second thought to how upset I’d be at her not coming to my wedding.
I was there for her when she explained why she was stressed, answering messages at 2am.
All it would have taken is 2 text messages from her. That’s all. She showed me that how I felt about her wasn’t returned.

of course my post is about my loss and grief, I’m explaining why I havent gone after the friendship anymore.

When I first invited her I was totally clear about the cost and that if it wasn’t something she could or wanted to do it was cool and we could meet up and just go for dinner or something instead. It was the way she left the group and didn’t message me. It felt really cold

I am guilty of this, I left exh moved away to a different area and I just didn't have the headspace to be telling people on a loop what was going on, I needed my own space, to heal and start rebuilding my life and I just didn't want to be the subject of gossip, none of the people I distanced myself from were deep friendships and there had been some occasions they were anything but good friends so I didn't feel any loss.

I recently lost my DF (three months ago) it was not unexpected but sudden, a friend of 15 years would have been the first person I turned too previously but over the last couple years she has been fairly flaky not speaking for 4 months prior to df death, disinterested in my (good) news and coming across as quite jealous of me at times.

When her DM died I supported her, told her I was there for her (and was). I didn't tell her DF had deteriorated, i felt like she wouldn't care tbh. When I eventually announced on FB my DF had died (a few days later) friend did text but that was it. She has texted sporadically to say she is thinking of me but it just feels like empty words.

@Tara336 so you admit yourself that you've done this

Your friend of 15 years, presumably not somebody you ghosted and then reconciled with, how recently did she lose her mum? Is it possible that her sporadic contact is to do with that loss?

@InsomniacA I think it had something to do with how alone I felt and how I was in such pain, yet they weren't, and they didn't understand and couldn't understand? It made me so angry at my situation and also, because losing my sister was so traumatic and all-encompassing, it made the friendships and other relationships seem so insubstantial and, well, pointless in the face of the sheer sadness and heartbreak I was feeling. I was almost suicidal myself at that point. I was devastated and didn't know what to do, and it was more of a survival issue for me, if that makes sense. I was focused on my own survival and those friendships and other relationships weren't helpful in that way, so I had to push them aside and try to find a way through.

I really, really get this. Sometimes you just have to do whatever it takes.
And I'm so sorry for your loss 💐.

I agree with you. One very long term friend I ghosted just refused to take the hint of me never ever phoning, never wanting to meet up, taking weeks to respond. She was very much a drama llama and once was bemoaning her savings having dipped below £100k. I said 'you know my desperate financial situation, it's very difficult for me to summon up any sympathy for you when I have less than £100'. She was just always tone deaf and I found it very irritating. And draining.

I have many friends but I was ghosted by someone who I regularly ran with. One day we were out running, she suddenly stopped and burst into tears. We sat down and she told me the age gap between her and her husband had made her realise that at 14 she was effectively groomed. She had caught him watching porn - teens I believe and that she didn’t want to stay with him or have children with him. I told her that I would support her and we drove home. I never heard from her afterwards for years. She is still married and they have a child. I see her about and we speak now but it is just snippets of general conversation. It was just all so odd - I think she opened up and then regretted telling someone as she couldn’t face dealing with it.

I was ghosted by someone I thought was one of my best friends. We didn’t live close anymore but chatted all the time over message and would meet up 4-5 times a year. I really classed her as a good friend. One day, I noticed I was no longer part of a group chat we was in and then I went to message her to ask her if it had been deleted and none of my messages went through, just one tick. She blocked and deleted me. This was about 3 years ago now and I still feel hurt by it. I miss my friend. Of course, she didn’t feel the same and didn’t want me to be her friend but ghosting someone with no explanation is very hurtful.

I haven't done this, but I had someone who I thought was a very, very close friend absolutely cut me dead when I split up from my first husband, and suddenly become very pally with him and his new partner. She had always been my friend, not ours as a couple. I had been there for her through several life crises, on one occasion driving several hundred miles at a few hours notice to pick her and her 2 small children up from an airport when she had to come back from abroad because of health issues. My ex's new partner told me some time later that this woman had not only tried to ingratiate herself with them, but had also told her slanderous and untrue stuff about me, which she had not believed, and after this, they distanced themselves from her. As an aside, my first husband was much wealthier and had a higher social/professional status than me, so I think this woman thought she'd get more from a relationship with them. On reflection, although I was bemused and hurt at the time, she did me a favour, as she was completely psycho on occasions, and my life has probably been calmer without her!

i have stepped away from “good friends” during major life events, and I can guarantee a few of those people would write a post like this. Insulted that I’d dared put distance between us, when in their heads they were nothing but helpful, and it was my issue, my lack of confiding in them, that was the problem. The reality? They sent the short, polite texts “checking in”, but not actually providing any type of support. No visits, no phone calls, no conversations. All surface level, whilst also ensuring my traumatic life events played no hindrance on their lives. Keeping me at arms length. Expecting a time limit for me to get over it, and move on so things can get back to normal to make it easier for everyone.

once you go through something life changing, or traumatic, and you have friends who properly step up to hold your hand through it, with no expectations, it very quickly highlights those who have no intention of truly being there through the hard stuff. Although they’ll shout the loudest that they were of course. That’s always the way.

Oh, that's terribly sad, I'm so sorry.

Some people are just not emotionally equipped to deal with difficult things in life, especially if they've never experienced them. I lost my best friend at school when she told me over the phone that her father had died during the summer holidays. My reaction was "Ugh!" because I just had no idea what to say, and then I was just too embarrassed to mention it to her. I was only 12, but I can think of other times in my life (less dramatic) when I have failed to respond adequately because I just didn't know how.

Life has a funny way of filling in the gaps in our experience and putting the boot on the other foot so that we learn our past mistakes. If she endured an illness before dying, she would most certainly have understood and forgiven you.

I think the only way to get over this headfuck situation is to know that you gave each other what you could, within your capacity, during your friendship, and enjoyed many good times together. That's all a friendship can ever be, really, we all have our limitations.

You can’t win though as if they didn’t check in they’d be selfish and self absorbed and uncaring. Personally I will listen to friends but if you think people see you as entertainment it’s you who is really self absorbed and self important. Most of the time I’m far too wrapped up in myself

I did. My energy was rock bottom after dealing with suicide of a close family member. I could no longer match her energy or the need to try and fix me. I turned to calmer people for support. I realised I was her support friend and I could no longer be that. Instead of realising that she continued in the same vein until I stopped answering calls.

No harm to you but I asked them repeatedly to stop asking me for details of the violent rape and sexual assault is experienced.

I told them I didn’t want to be talking about how he strangled me til I passed out and wet myself, raped me, sexually assaulted me and strangled me some more.

I really didn’t want to be asked to “talk it through” or be asked was I feeling ok today because she was sure I must be having nightmares.

I really wish I could have done something to make it not entertainment and I honestly don’t think asking for space to process a rape and sexual assault was being self absorbed and self important but you do you.

Her DM died about 8 years ago, I was kind, caring and supportive. I've been there whenever I was needed without question. There have been other issues in the friendship that I have done my best to try and ignore but over the last couple of years it has become harder. I don't want to argue with her, I don't want to have to say what I'm thinking and feeling about the friendship (especially right now) so I respond when I get the odd text.

It would take ages to write down everything that has happened but I came to realise that despite being friendships for 15 years everyone has a "use" for her and when I stopped being "useful" due to my own ill health than she seemed to care a lot less about our friendship. So after not hearing from her for 4 months when I had last contacted her to tell her some lovely news and her response was "oh right" then nothing. I decided I won't, take any further effort, she's absolutely fine as she was happily posting photos of her holidays, nights out etc

My husband and I have a friend who probably thinks we "ghosted" him. We offered him support for years through his divorce, child custody battles, etc etc. We lent him money for his rent every time he asked (a few times a year), whenever we could. We gave him a room in our home when he needed to escape an abusive relationship. He stayed with us for three months, still owing us rent money from his previous flat. Until I had enough, and helped him sort out somewhere else to live. We went camping with him and he bossed us around telling us how to do things. He created dramas on nights out, he got me to hire cars for him because he didn't have a credit card. He made off colour remarks about us in public, then pretended it was a joke when we were offended.

Until I had Just. Had. Enough. We stepped way back, even though we had mutual friends, so had to remain polite in public.

To this day, I doubt he has any idea about what really happened. His current wife has tried to understand why his adult daughter won't speak to him, and why other friends have dropped him. Because it is never, ever his fault.

OP, generally if people are ghosted, there's a reason that will be more to do with the person who was ghosted, than the person who ghosted them. There's generally a lead up to the tipping point. And then one day you say to yourself, enough!!

I feel like a good friend will pull back shortly. She has things going on in her life and that's how she coped when she's stressed.
I do understand, but would be very sad for the friendship to disappear completely. I've offered both practical help and space if she needs it, but it's a fine line and I won't bother her beyond the occasional text.

Other friends are different personality types, and find support in having friends around them, phone calls or visits.

Personally, I prefer a bit of headspace when life gets tough, but wouldn't ghost anyone. I might just fall of the radar for a while though.

Absolutely agree with this, it is exactly how I feel my friend of 15 years is behaviour after the recent loss of my DF she actually sent one message asking "if I had been up too much" this was the week after DF funeral.

With each of your replies it becomes crystal clear as to why you have been ghosted.

It might be a year….if you didn’t contact me for a year I would not class us as friends and I don’t think that’s unreasonable. Do you not think you need therapy to deal with why you are isolating yourself so much as that is not healthy.