If you have ghosted a friend after a major life event, why did you do it and how do you feel about it now?

[NewHome2026]

Seems to be pretty common - something life changing happens (a break up or divorce usually in my experience anyway) and suddenly people ghost friends they have had for decades right when you would have thought they would have been in the most need of support. It’s happened to me, my husband, my sister in law, my mum, a work colleague - everyone seems to have a story of this and I find it so strange and hurtful.

They are flaky on meeting up, they don’t reply in the group chat, they are suddenly always “busy” and you realise a year or more has gone by without you talking and are you even o anymore?

After a while I suppose it gets too awkward to reach out but I always think it is just so sad.

If you have done this, what made you do it? How do you feel about it now? Do you ever think about getting back in touch, and would you apologise?

I totally get this.

I've done this. I had a difficult childhood and was bullied endlessly. I became very introverted and anxious and unsurprisingly formed several unhealthy friendships. As I've grown, I've shed one truly toxic friend, one emotional leech who was only happy when I wasn't, and 2 friends who were never there for me when I had some very difficult moments, despite me reaching out, yet demanded my time and attention when it suited them. They will of course have their own perceptions of the friendships and I'm ok with that. I tried once to explain to a mutual friend why I had withdrawn from a friendship and all I heard back was that I was wrong in every way and I was the problem. I'm not interested in explaining myself any more. I have tried to reset boundaries in friendships and it hasn't worked. So I've slowly faded away.

This exact same thing happened to me. Friend's DH cheated. I put so much effort into being there for her. She ghosted me and I found out they were back together. I had always told her I wouldn't judge her decision if she chose to remain with him . But I guess she wanted to play happy families and I was a reminder of "the past" . I think it's pretty common. Friend confides in you when vulnerable and then backs off when they feel better or the issue is resolved, like you're part of their dirty secret so to speak

I'm agreeing so much with what others have said. Years of tea and sympathy about their marriage and work problems yet nothing changes. Always turns the conversation back to themselves.

I don't have the patience or bandwidth any more when I'm dealing with my own issues which I deal with quietly without drama. Don't need to be berated for not replying personally to a message after a bereavement - I'd had messages from many people which although kindly meant were somewhat overwhelming.

Normal people express sympathy without needing to make it all about them again.

I totally understand this too.

I find it really patronising. It's more about the sender than the receiver. It's like they've swallowed a "correct advice" article. Lots of people's behaviour is so sterile now.

I'd far prefer a little meme or a funny story or just chit chat. I don't want "checking in " or constant "how are you ?" It's exhausting.

Not at all and I am thinking about multiple people this has happened to not just when it happened to me.

• A close friend of mine ghosting after the break down of her short marriage
• DH’s friend moving away without telling anyone after his relationship ended
• My SIL’s friend who no showed to her wedding after attending the hen never to be heard from again

The list goes on it seems to happen all the time which is the bit I don’t get. I actually discussed this with a friend last night following this thread and she said “yes her too” about 10 years ago a friend just stopped replying and blocked her for no reason at all

It's nice to see myself reflected in many of these refreshingly honest responses.

It's made me realise I'm not very good at "friends".

I love being around people sometimes, but I have almost this fear surrounding messages. I hate "hi how are you ? What are you up to this weekend?" Type messages. Especially if you're receiving them from multiple different people. I find it painful and exhausting.

If I see a message pop up on WhatsApps that looks like 'one of those' I've been guilty of not reading it, them forgetting about it, then just realising it's been too long and just never replying. It almost fills me with anxiety to get those messages. I hate the pressure to reply and then I get anxious that it will start a back and forth conversation. So I'm guilty of writing statements instead of questions, which would be more polite.

I've got a friend who lives in another country and I think the world of her. But sometimes I'll cringe when I see a long message pop up that's essentially small talk and will ignore it for days. And I know that's poor.

I am incredibly busy though with kids and work (like most people) and I've got such limited headspace.

I did this. I had an absolute breakdown that no one knew about. I had an addiction with chatting online, I divorced my husband was miserable at work and met a horrendous man who tried to ruin me. I was in so much pain (I know a lot self inflicted) and I felt I had no one to talk too, I didn’t deserve to talk to anyone. I bought a new phone and at the time you had to hand type all your contacts in. I got half way through and stopped. As a result I lost my oldest friend, who had no idea what was happening. I regret it to this day. I was in a terrible terrible place and as a result of my stupid actions I lost a very good friend. We don’t live close by and I have once in a while checked social media, but I’d never get in contact- it’s not fair she needs better friends than I was.

only silver lining is I do cherish the friendships I have now, and wouldn’t be so selfish with them.

This is one of the most interesting discussions on Mumsnet. I have only cut off 2 very close friends in my whole life. With both I realised I was always there for them while they were not there for me in the same way. With both it was the straw that broke the camels back. I do feel sadness that both relationships have ended as I did truly love both friends. The first, I hope she eventually does find happiness and the second is just too annoying for me to be friends with anymore! But nevermind, lots more nice people about to be friends with! I’ve just realised from reading a lot of these tho that I am the one that checks in with people, rarely does anyone check in on me, apart from my three closest friends. And I’m happy with that.

I agree. People are incredibly ghoulish and I think a little glowing light turns on in them when hearing details of someone else's tragedy. Worse when under "faux concern"

I lost my mum and then a baby in the second trimester, all within two and a half months. One of my close friends told me she couldn’t be there for me and so I just stopped contacting her. I felt so very let down.
She contacted me a few years later & I gave her another chance, but her visit was hard work and her teenage kids were just mean, so I haven’t been in touch since then.
I do not regret it.

I know exactly what you mean by the little glowing light!!!!! It's like a gleam in the eye, you can tell they haven't had so much fun in ages! 😬

I'm like this. If I leave a workplace, I leave the people behind too. I find it almost like people can't move on or let go when they've got to "keep in touch " with old colleagues etc. I see nobody from school days or old work places. I just move on.

I’ve always kept a small circle of close friends. When I go through something difficult, I pull away rather than lean on people. I’ve never been good at communicating my feelings, even with my partner, and I’m not sure it’s the healthiest way to be but it’s how I’ve always coped. No one ever really knows how I’m feeling.

A lot of my friends have been very demanding and made exhausting choices, especially in relationships. One close friend went through a bad breakup, but by then I’d already supported her through so many destructive relationships that I had nothing left to give. I was honest that I couldn’t keep supporting her, and while we didn’t lose contact, it did affect our friendship.

I’ve cut a lot of people out over the years. I don’t give endless chances. If someone treats me badly, they get one. I’ve cut ties with people who were fake, exhausting, self obsessed, or constantly late, like two friends who turned up two hours late to take me out for my birthday. That told me exactly how little they valued my time.

I don’t regret any of it. It can sting at first, but I’d rather protect my peace than be a walkover.

I've got to a stage where I bin "friends" without being too upset about it. Main reason, I don't hear from them for a while (not an issue) and then they message to say hi. By the third message their real reason for contacting comes out - they want a favour. Bin.

The one I was disappointed in was a close friend. We'd catch up every few months for a good natter etc. Discovered she'd relocated 8+ hours away. Not a word. Saw it on Facebook. Unfriended etc immediately as obviously we're not friends if she couldn't be arsed to tell me.

@NewHome2026 In some of those examples, I wonder whether the withdrawal is part of a coping mechanism and/or feeling a sense of shame. During tough times, it's understandable that some people want to go into hibernation mode (I know I do!). I tell people that I'm closest to if I'll be off the radar for a bit but wouldn't with those I'm not particularly close to.

I do understand that…but all those examples were close friends. She was my bridesmaid and he was DH’s usher and SIL’s friend was inner circle enough to be invited on the hen

My baby was born and a very close friend ghosted me.

I still don't know why. Last time I saw her before I gave birth, all was great. I couldn't make her wedding as it was abroad around the same time as my due date, and I had told her this. She seemed accepting.

I tried to meet up many times after the baby was born. First time she didn't turn up, then she wouldn't respond. I asked what was wrong and she just said I lived too far (I hadn't moved, and lived within 30 minutes of her workplace). I offered to meet her near her work after work, still nothing.

I think ghosting me was the cowardly thing to do. This was many years ago and I still feel sad and don't know what I did.

Trauma (especially the extreme trauma described) can result in a total shutdown. Sometimes we just need our friends to understand through whatever means we can communicate (even if that is quite limited) that we don’t wish to talk about it - likely physically cannot talk about it. No real friend or person with a basic level of empathy would need that explained to them.

Because id already cut a lot of slack and it was one step too far. They know what they did. Yet they carried on messaging for months like everything was fine.

Plus, people can become self absorbed when they are lonely amd use you to talk at and after a final.steaw, I just thought, nah, I've given you too much.

Agree with this. I have done it a couple of times. Once when I was going through something awful and they said something awful (not knowing what I was going through). It was like something pinged and I thought I can't be around this person anymore.
Another time I just felt taken for granted and it was all on their terms. I was useful when needed but they just ignored me at other times. So I cut them off.
I do find it quite easy to do as I feel like I genuinely don't need people.

I'm currently doing this, ghosting someone. Although they won't take the hint. They love an argument and if I complain about their behaviour they will somehow turn it around and make it my fault. They would call it being assertive, I would call it bullying. So it's not a conversation I wish to have. I wish they would just go away. We have very different lives now, but looking back, I think she's been using me and my family for years. I tolerated it, but now I have a child to think of, and my tolerance is less.

I’ve recently ended a friendship. She was using me to enable her alcoholism and I also didn’t approve if her cheating on her partner with multiple men (usually when drunk).

Ive stopped agreeing to meet up with her for drinks and I’ve said no when she tried to invite herself to stay at mine for weekends. I’ve suggested meeting for activities that don’t involve drinking but she has no interest. So I’ve just left it. She probably thinks I’ve ghosted her.

in December last year a ‘friend’ of many years (40 approx) decided she would not respond to certain content in my messages to her (asking after her father who’d been ill) she ignored the repeated (3 times) concern. The penny dropped and I did not mention it again. Last message from her was ‘happy new year’ and she sent me a birthday card (no text message which was always additional to the card). I am going through hell with my son and she knows/knew this. The last thing I needed was this behaviour. I have accepted that she no longer wants the friendship we once had. I have also accepted I no longer want or need her friendship, I will never have a conversation with her again. She has treated me disgracefully at a time when I need all the support I can get.

I have not and will not ‘block’ her. I will just never be her friend again. I’m sure the feeling is mutual. I’m completely fine with this.

The trouble is that the person being ghosted will often think they did nothing wrong, that their behaviour was fine etc and the onus if then put on the other person to have to discuss this but why? If their personality does not match with yours and they are causing you to feel unhappy, why should you have to explain so they can try to be someone they’re not. I’d rather just accept we weren’t meant to be and move on.

Sometimes the other person won’t have done anything wrong as such but they’re just too much or you’re struggling with maintaining that friendship or any friendship. Mental health can be difficult and you might not feel as close to the friend as the other perceives you to be. For example, I suffer with my mental health but I keep it to myself. If I’m not feeling great, I will make an excuse not to show up but won’t say it’s my mental health. My friends think I’m great and that we’re very close because I’m generally a good friend and I listen to all their problems. I, on the other hand, feel like I’m maintaining the friendships because society thinks I should, or because we work together or have friends in common so it feels we need to be friends. I don’t feel anywhere near as close to them as they do me. I very rarely tell them much about the real me, I wouldn’t call them in a crisis, I have to really push myself to even see them quite often. Yes I sometimes enjoy their company but I don’t get the ‘best friend’ thing. I don’t think I’ve ever felt that close to anyone (bar my close family) that I’d be particularly bothered if we didn’t see each other again. My friends don’t know that and would be shocked to hear that, I’m sure. I often feel that if things got too much, I could never see them again and I wouldn’t want to explain because that would involve me having to let me guard down and talk about my feelings and also share that I’ve never felt that close to them.

People are complex and sometimes, you have to just do what is right for you and trying to explain or keep someone in your life for their benefit, is not good for you.