To find my husband disgusting

[Pinktize]

He turned 47 recently but I feel hes 80. He snores so much and he always sleeps on his back and when I gently push him he tells me to fuck off. He eats his food so fast he has to lie on the floor. He tells me long long stories about something from Tesco and I hate listening to him! He slurps yoghurt. Sometimes he has snot hanging from his nose. And I can hear his sneezes from anywhere in the house. I find myself trying to physically avoid him. When I see old couples around I think about it being us and I hate the idea of it being me and him.

I feel horrible. Hes not particularly nice but honestly the feelinh now is so physical. I feel really harsh. I wish it wasnt like this. We went to counselling and I obviously didnt say any of this but we talked about physical closeness and I was just screaming NOOOO in my head

I feel pretty horrible about it.

I'd be honest with him, tell him he needs to put in some effort. Even the basics would be an improvement.
BTW DC are very aware or think that it is normal to dislike your spouse, not a good foundation for their futures relationships.

What if he is? Not OP's job to fix him. Sounds like enough is enough! I struggle to imagine a future where they somehow magically ignite the romance and fun of a honeymoon period!

Re your question about the children, OP, the younger the better, surely? My entire adolescence was blighted by worrying about my mum. I lay in bed every night praying for a better life for her, but my prayers were never answered. Apart from making me miserable, it absolutely ruined my perspective of what marriage should look like and I stuck with what I now realise was a very abusive first marriage through gritted teeth for many years.

I spent my childhood living in a house with two parents who didn't get on. Believe me, that fucked me up way more than having two happy but separate parents ever could have.

Me too, both had very differently personalities, DM was passive, DF was aggressive, they couldn't hide the hidden resentments that caused a lot of trauma, even though they tried.

I'm sorry you both experienced that @VimesandhisCardboardBoots & @EmeraldShamrock000

I do find that difficult though - as often read on MN better to have 2 happy homes than one unhappy one....but there won't be two happy homes. Trust me on that. DH is not going to build a happy home for himself.

But I do take on board everyone's comments about my concerns being hypothetical or they can't keep me in such an unhappy relationship for the next decade.

if i could guarantee the kids safety - i'd do it tomorrow. and maybe he will step up. he's actuall quite good with them lots of the time and they love him. but he is v v self pitying and if i talk to him about anything where we feels criticsed - he will sulk for days - or shout in front of kids - so i just know that he won't 'be the bigger man and put the kids first' as based on the evidence of the last 5 years - he loves the kids when he's happy, but when he's unhappy or feels hard done by -he literally couldn't give a shit what they see or hear.

Hi Op he’s making your life hell now. if you can afford it and can cope with shared custody go for it. Honestly there is no right age but you can change there lives by moving out for the good he’s a pig & abusive if he’s not man enough to take the criticism to fix the marriage that’s on him not you. What if the kids grow up to be more like him and when there teens and turn on you there will be 3 of them making it harder for you. Go to counselling for yourself in the meantime let out your feelings then you might be able to see clearly what you want and need. Waiting until there 18 is going to be hard.

But you will, and you can clearly model a way of life they can aspire to. They can see that there are choices. That’s better than the model being their dad’s way or no way, while
mum sneers and seethes with anger and revulsion (no judgement from me on that, btw, given what you’ve described).

LTB. Staying together for the kids is never the win you think it will be. His example is not a good example - better to be around it only 50% max of the time rather than all the time. And the kids need you on good form, not permanently disgusted.

My parents split when I was 4, and DM brought us up. I have no recollection of him as a father. We saw him the odd time, but he was absolutely useless and the little contact we had soon disappeared.

I'm so glad I don't have any memory of him being abusive towards DM and that I didn't have to suffer him throughout my childhood.