To find my husband disgusting

[Pinktize]

He turned 47 recently but I feel hes 80. He snores so much and he always sleeps on his back and when I gently push him he tells me to fuck off. He eats his food so fast he has to lie on the floor. He tells me long long stories about something from Tesco and I hate listening to him! He slurps yoghurt. Sometimes he has snot hanging from his nose. And I can hear his sneezes from anywhere in the house. I find myself trying to physically avoid him. When I see old couples around I think about it being us and I hate the idea of it being me and him.

I feel horrible. Hes not particularly nice but honestly the feelinh now is so physical. I feel really harsh. I wish it wasnt like this. We went to counselling and I obviously didnt say any of this but we talked about physical closeness and I was just screaming NOOOO in my head

I feel pretty horrible about it.

He sounds like a disgusting pig and I’d be completely repulsed by that too. I hope you can find your self respect and leave!

From what you've said, then no, I don't think you can get over this. Love (and/or a thriving relationship) is not simply an absence of hate, disgust etc. Sounds like he's sort of given up trying, both physically and mentally, to add to the relationship, and you're mentally and physically repulsed by him. You can get your own positivity and dignity back, but only by leaving, imho. Hard, as you have young children, but it'll be better for everyone.

Do you tell him about the snot?

do you ask went he’s eating like that?

wear ear plugs? Are these changes in behaviour or have you just reached the end of your tether?

This is so unbelievably grim. what kind of gravalicious behaviour is that?!?

so unecessary. Do you think if you start focusing on yourself and spending time out, new haircuts etc he will do the same ? Maybe the way to encourage a change in him is to try modelling it your self? Maybe he’ll be inspired.

you might find your sex drive returns but it’s just not for him?

Leave him.
It’s not very fair on him either, feeling this way about him but sticking around.

It sounds like you have checked out. You need to speak up more. Better to feel guilty for what you call being ‘cruel’ than feel resentful. When you are annoyed with him tell him so and have an argument about it. Discuss how his snoring is disturbing your sleep. If you don’t start speaking up you may as well leave now, the marriage is over.

You sound vile yourself - if you hate him that much just bloody leave.

Why arent you telling him this? “Dh stop eating so quickly, you know what happens your not giving dc a good impression.” “Dh go blow your bloody nose” get some ear plugs.

if you really cant stand the man, just leave.

You can come back from this - I did with DH. There was a period, around 8-9 years in when I couldn’t bear to be around him. Listening to him eat, yes, his snoring, and the way we had such separate lives. I’d go out hiking or hobbies and he’d just game all the time. Never having any time in the house to myself as he never left. Blowing his snot into his hand instead of using a bloody tissue. He we’d go out for dinner but he’d sit on his phone, scrolling videos and memes, not even looking at me. Ugh…it all drove me crazy! And no…I didn’t want to sleep with him at all…the thought made me nauseous.

We didn’t do counselling together but I was already seeing someone myself. While I didn’t massively broach the subject, I found that what I learned about myself in there helped me to put in place healthy boundaries and to vocalise what I wanted and needed. Lockdown helped as well!

We’re stronger than ever now and I adore him again (and he does me!). I’m the same age as you, OP. I would not have believed this was possible six years ago. So, giving a slightly different view to others on the thread, having turned it around myself.

Why has he got snot hanging from his nose.dosent he knows how to use a tissue or something

Sounds to me like you’ve reached the end of your tether, and this can often be seen in peri menopause.
If you’re not prepared to tell him the actual problem, and it’s fine to not want the agro, then make a move to end it. Do you really want to spend the next 30/40 years with him? And I can say from experience that you think ‘I’ll just stay until after Xmas/birthday/holiday/GCSE’s/A levels/going to Uni’ and then you are stuck because you’ve put up with it for so long that you now can’t afford to live alone.

You say you couldn't bring any of that up in therapy. Was he in the room with you - was it couple's therapy? You would benefit from therapy by yourself! Without him earwigging everything you say. I wish you a peaceful life - start moving towards it.

I don’t understand why you didn’t tell the Counsellor how you feel.

As a PP said you could have used less emotive language but still made your points about personal hygiene, not feeling that he’s interested in you and not taking care of his health or setting a good example to the DC.

Also agree that you can pretty much ignore what the Counsellor has said becauae you’ve effectively hidden so much information that the advice they gave is irrelevant.

I find it hard to understand why you went to the Counselling sessions if you weren’t going to be honest. It seems as though it was a box ticking exercise for you? “I feel guilty for wanting to leave, we’ll go to Counselling, oh look that didn’t work, now I feel less guilty about ending our marriage”.

Also agree that you could probably do with exploring whether you’re on the Peri and what support is available. Not so that you can tolerate your H better but so that you can feel strong enough to leave.

I’ve read all of your posts and I can also see that you haven’t answered the question “why are you still with him?”

So why are you OP? Divorce won’t be easy but it’s got to be better than how you’re living now?

ugh you have the ick. Once you have the ick there is no going back I’m afraid. Been there.

Your done , you've got the ick, no coming back from this, get out now.

Has someone else turned your head .. 🤔
This can make everything distasteful about your dh magnify ..

I totally relate to this ..feel the same .. nothing has come back for 20 years ,all the effort to keep relationship going has been me ..now I simply don't want to ..am glad he's not making an effort either as I don't want to feel I need to have sex with him

You’ve got the ick.

There is no coming back from this. 💐

And this is where I am as well .just not every day
Some days I think with huge effort from me it will be ok
But it's gone from me spending years trying to make it work ,to me not wanting to make it work...but we have adult kids with disabilities who will never live independently and refuse to go anywhere else or allow any help in ..
So I'm stuck
But your not op x

I think once you get to the stage of your partner making your skin crawl, they disgust you and you can’t bear them to touch you, there’s no coming back from that.
What you had has gone now, and you need to make plans to separate, or one day you’ll be on the news because you’ve flipped your lid and stabbed him for slurping his yoghurt.

I would hazard a guess that if you were to sample those who felt similar to you do after 10 years another 20 or 30 years on, and they are still together, most would say things got worse not better, they wish they had done something no matter what, and that they regret keeping the marriage going. Not just for the individual, but there is guilt too that the partner could have been happier too with someone else, and guilt at the lack of honesty.

In the big scheme of things, ten years is nothing and 47 is still pretty young.

Just my ponderings anyway, not based on any science or professional knowledge or anything!

What's the point of going to counselling and then not talking about what bothers you?

You’ve got perimenopause

you need:

1. separate bedrooms
2. omeprizole/lansoprazole for him to reduce stomach acid. It’s why he’s ’eating too fast’. He’s not really, he’s having to lie down because of the acid
3. to be TRUTHFUL. Said, not when he’s being disgusting but in advance. Tell him he has to pay attention to personal hygiene

I had to change our washing powder from the eco friendly one to one much more deep cleaning as the smell of my DH’s clothes seemed ‘old man smell’ to me. I also changed his shower gel to proper soap because of the ‘old man smell’.

crucially I realised this was MY PROBLEM, that I had changed. Disgust is a very normal but strong human emotion and I’m sure it was provoked by the peri menopause rage. I also had him move some of his activities which never bothered me before - nose blowing, toenail cutting to the BATHROOM.

I also remember getting the rage at some of his clothes and asked him to wear a much smaller selection of ones I approved of when we went out together. I know that sounds hideous and irrational, but irrationality is part of being human.

Honesty is the thing that made the difference. Don’t swallow this, it will just make you more annoyed.

Go back to therapy if you can afford it and talk about the repulsion, own it as your problem if nothing has changed in him.

I’m not saying you’re going to make it as a couple, I am saying this is why a lot of couples break up in middle age. Women just get sick of it, saying nothing and doing nothing about it.

OP look, he is gross. Do you ever say anything? He is setting a bad example for the DC.

The even worse example though is DC growing up thinking this dysfunctional marriage is normal.

Divorce OP, I can tell you as a lone parent of many years being on your own is preferable than having a gross/lazy man around.

If you think you’ll be able to co-parent well with him this might be the best thing for everyone! You’ll be happier, DC will benefit from a happy mum.

Why don’t you communicate with him? You say you have young children so his table manners are sending out all the wrong signals to the children surely? Challenge him with this, tell him mealtimes should be a family social occasion. And as for his other behaviour, why not start an interesting conversation on another topic before he starts his.
If you genuinely want to save your marriage then starts communicating, otherwise walk away.