To find my husband disgusting

[Pinktize]

He turned 47 recently but I feel hes 80. He snores so much and he always sleeps on his back and when I gently push him he tells me to fuck off. He eats his food so fast he has to lie on the floor. He tells me long long stories about something from Tesco and I hate listening to him! He slurps yoghurt. Sometimes he has snot hanging from his nose. And I can hear his sneezes from anywhere in the house. I find myself trying to physically avoid him. When I see old couples around I think about it being us and I hate the idea of it being me and him.

I feel horrible. Hes not particularly nice but honestly the feelinh now is so physical. I feel really harsh. I wish it wasnt like this. We went to counselling and I obviously didnt say any of this but we talked about physical closeness and I was just screaming NOOOO in my head

I feel pretty horrible about it.

Within reason, a divorce doesn't have to be dramatic and cause a lot of pain if you both agree to remain friends, separate and keep the DC lives as straightforward and normal as possible.

In the first instance, go and get some legal advice because at the moment you are all about reaction. If you knew what action looked and felt like, it would all feel clearer.

When I was with my ex, someone said to me, "how would you feel about nursing him if he had a stroke or something?" That was the push I needed to crack on and get free of the tool.

Why is she vile? What a random thing to say with no explanation. OP it sounds awful but....I do think you owe him honesty. The counselling was pointless if you weren't going to address what your actual issue was. It will be hard but he needs to know where your mind is so that maybe he might be shocked into making changes to save his marriage and family. If you tell him, with carefully chosen language that you find his habits off-putting and becoming intolerable and unless things change you cannot continue and in 3-6 months whatever, there is no improvement then it's fair to say you've tried, given it a chance.

Tell your DH to blow his nose ,how disgusting

Are there other things in the mix? Money worries? Demanding family? Why has he given up on himself like this?

Something has changed. Could he be depressed?

Familiarity breeds contempt.

He was always like this, I think peri/menopause just makes us less able to tolerate it all.

I know 2 people who have been diagnosed with Parkinson’s Disease and both of their Partners noticed a change in their smell long before diagnosis. Don’t want to alarm you but if their smell has changed it might be worth reading up on

Peri-menopause can really lower our tolerance for people, especially those we have to be around on a daily basis... not saying that he's not got room for improvement, he clearly has, but be aware that your disgust may be amplified for several years due to hormones!

Five years ago I definitely was certain I'd be leaving... now we've settled back into a quiet companionship and I mostly quite like him now 😆 and I'm glad I didn't leave.

I can’t believe people are blaming you or peri menopause for this! God the handmaidens are out.
I’m perimenopausal and can get very irritated by my husband but the difference is- when I tell him to turn over when snoring he does it, because he’s a decent human who doesn’t want to disturb my sleep. Also, he doesn’t eat like a pig or have a snotty nose like a toddler.

Sounds like your husband has a total lack of regard or respect for your feelings and THAT is the problem not perimenopause.

Your only chance of saving the marriage is openly discussing how these things make you feel unloved and disrespected- rather than turned off maybe to be a bit kinder? If he continues doing them then warn him you’re considering separation.

I bet he wouldn’t do them in a new/ next relationship and many men claim they didn’t realise there was a problem. He needs to know how bad it is for you.

You can't come back from this. You're already in counselling so it probably won't come as a complete shock to him when you say you want to split, surely?

I don't think it's anything to do with menopause (which seems to get the blame for everything nowadays!) It's just that people grow up, we learn and we change.

Perimenopause or not, I do think it’s important to listen to your feelings.

When I see old couples around I think about it being us and I hate the idea of it being me and him.

This was how I felt about my ex, I imagined being 80 and still waking up next to him and felt horrified. I did have other complaints besides him physically repulsing me and I think they were connected - his laziness, lying and selfishness all contributed to the overall ick - but I knew I couldn’t go on. I did wait a while until the DC were older and yes it was painful for everyone, but it’s also very hard staying together when you are just so over it (if you definitely are).

I found it helped to make a private, personal long-term plan to end it, to help me cope. I researched finances, housing options etc, and even little things like looking at paint colours and duvet covers to plan my single life. It kept me going and if I had changed my mind he’d have been none the wiser. I didn’t though.

My father was a Consultant Psychologist and did marriage counselling for years. His comment was always that you don't always like someone, you don't always love someone, but you can come back from that. If you no longer respect someone then it's finished.

She’s 41, it’s in OP’s posts. If he’s like this now it’s only going to deteriorate further.

Mmm, he can't even sneeze right,poor bloke. I bet he breathes wrong as well.
Also, why go to counselling but not be honest?
You aren't happy OP, so you need to divorce, for both your sakes.

I dont think think you can come back from this, no. Minor irritation yes. The feelings you have are so strong that even if they improve you're still going to dislike him. And I'm not surprised, a grown adult shouldn't need to be told that it's ridiculous to regularly eat their dinner so fast that they need to lie on the floor groaning

Nobody knows if somebody will " deteriorate" or learn and grow and change?

It's not a down hill slide after 47.

@Pinktize take no notice at all - on a public forum you will receive the whole gamut of public opinion, so defo mustn't take heed of probably at least half of it.

You don't sound awful to me. You sound in an awful situation. But I would honestly break up with him. Don't tell him why though or he'll forever feel even worse.

You'll see - when he's on his own, at some point he'll up his game, get clean, etc.

But will probably eventually slump back down.

Life's too short. Go for it.

I’m in the same job as your dad and I agree.

It's now too late to come back from this. Even if it wasn't, I don't think he would want to make the effort to meet you half way. Funny how the woman is meant to save the marriage alone, isn't it?

This is a man who tells OP to fuck off when his snoring is keeping her awake, when it would be easy to just roll over. He's not going to do the 'hard work' of taking better care of himself and showing a teeny bit of consideration.

OP, what you will find is that if you stay, you will eventually develop an overwhelming attraction to another man. you will then either cheat and then end the marriage, or end the marriage to avoid cheating. Either way, the marriage is doomed, and so better to end it now, where there's a chance of amicability.

No op, there’s no way on Earth you can come back from this.
in fact, it will only get worse and worse.
you need to get the divorce ball rolling ideally today, just apply, for both yours, his and your kids sake. This is no way to live. Your description of him made me feel sick.

Same..that feeling towards my husband still comes in waves now I’m nearly 50, but I recognise it, and know it passes.
It helps to focus on your own self care instead of his grossness during this time 🤭 x

theres absolutely zero chance of coming back from these feelings.

You need to separate.

Like another poster said this is the iceberg tip there is so much going on underneath. Couples therapy isn’t want you need , you need individual therapy so you can be completely honest and dig deep.

Respect isn't a constant.