To find my husband disgusting

[Pinktize]

He turned 47 recently but I feel hes 80. He snores so much and he always sleeps on his back and when I gently push him he tells me to fuck off. He eats his food so fast he has to lie on the floor. He tells me long long stories about something from Tesco and I hate listening to him! He slurps yoghurt. Sometimes he has snot hanging from his nose. And I can hear his sneezes from anywhere in the house. I find myself trying to physically avoid him. When I see old couples around I think about it being us and I hate the idea of it being me and him.

I feel horrible. Hes not particularly nice but honestly the feelinh now is so physical. I feel really harsh. I wish it wasnt like this. We went to counselling and I obviously didnt say any of this but we talked about physical closeness and I was just screaming NOOOO in my head

I feel pretty horrible about it.

Are your feelings symptomatic of something else in the relationship? I start to feel irritation over small things towards my husband when he is not pulling his weight round the house or financially, and when I have to remind him of things - can you do a food shop? can you bring the washing in? When he pulls himself together and stops being selfish or thoughtless, my irritation goes away and I love him as normal. To be honest, it sounds like you are properly repulsed rather than just a bit irked x

The fact that he tells you to fuck off when you ask him to roll over when snoring so you can actually sleep sounds like he doesn’t have much respect for you. My husband often snores on his back and HATES being woken up but when I do and tell him he needs to go on his side, he rolls over. If he told me to fuck off, I don’t think we’d make our 22nd wedding anniversary!

He tells you to fuck off, s ot hangs from his nose, eats so fast that he has to lie down afterwards and bores you with his ramblings. Imagine if that was his profile on a dating site? You really wouldnt be attracted would you?

Op I completely sympathise!

Get your ducks in a row asap and leave your marriage. It’s never going to work.

💐

Your children will be fine. Focus on getting out of this relationship.
There is no coming back from such revulsion.
He isn't capable of such enormous change.

I’ve handed tissues to people in situations like this. Just can’t bear it! The latest was a guy sitting next to me in a lecture who kept snorting louder than anything I’ve ever heard. I just placed a tissue on the desk in front of him and fortunately he picked it up and used it!

I’m 40 and I know what you mean. So many of my husband’s habits truly irritate me. I think a large part of it is being perimenopausal, I’ve heard that’s quite common. Of course you will have people saying they never felt that way about their partner, but hormones can definitely play a big part in it for a lot of women.

Or it is just the fact as you get older, things grate on you more. I definitely prefer my own company now and if I could go back in time would have stayed single!

You do not respect him.
You find him physically repulsive.
You find him disgusting in lots of way.

How would you feel to know that these are exactly the thoughts he had about you? Do you really think he is not aware of your lack of respect and your disgust?

Do you truly want to 'overcome' these feelings? To be kind to you both and to stop being 'horribly cruel', I think at the very least you need time away from each other, even if to not go straight into a divorce. As it is you with these thoughts and feelings, it is you who needs to move out, even if just for the short term.

But also, my husband has developed digestive issues as he has got older (47) and his snoring has got worse. Of course loads of people will defend their aging husbands, but a lot of them do get ailments and form bad habits over the years. I know some of them he can’t help but I totally sympathise with feeling irked and sometimes raged (especially with the snoring!)

Don't be around him, then. You clearly cannot stand him.

Same! My DH mutters "sorry"!

Agree wih PPs that physical revulsion is the symptom of more sinister undercurrents in the marriage. My DH sometimes presents in ways that would raise a few eyebrows on MN, but is so kind and loving and funny that I find even his occasional "gross" moments absolutely adorable.

I can only speak for myself but in your shoes, I would leave if I was at that stage and failing that, I would make a plan. Currently you are drifting.

If I wasn't going to leave anyway, I would get legal advice so I have knowledge and then I would give it six months or a year during which I would make effort, talk to him and maybe continue the counselling.

I know myself well enough now (old) to know when I'm done. If I wasn't sure, I would have to throw everything at it so that if it did end, at least I knew I had tried to my utmost ability and it still failed.

It comes down to if you are pissed off with him or if you are properly done done @Pinktize

You’re not a miserable cow you are miserable with him. For you to stay you might have to pretend to be happy can you do that? are you depressed? Your at a point where he disgusts you it would have to be a two way effort and he would have to be told what the problem is so he can change he’s not a mind reader. Sit him down tell him straight then see what comes from this conversation sometimes cruel to kind works.

I've only just read this post.

If he has done this more than two or three times, I think it's hopeless. He is incapable of changing what he does even though he knows he is going to suffer. That speaks volumes about a person. There is nothing more unattractive than ....can't think of the word....he's being thick isn't he? A lack of an enquiring mind and reasoned thought would be well into ick territory for me too OP.

Does he do the rolling around like a pony with colic as a performance for your benefit? Would he do it if you were not present?

Pretty much everything you describe would make me want to run screaming out the door too.

My cousins husband has the most appalling table manners. I have never seen anyone bolt their food like he does. He will eat two courses and drink a pint of beer before everyone else has barely started on their main course and all with his mouth open and his jaw clicking like a fucking metronome. He's like a starving Victorian peasant that hasn't eaten for ten days. She doesn't seem to notice or she has found a way to ignore it. All credit to her in that case. She made a comment once about him having evolved to absorb food through the skin of his face because on that occasion there was more on his boat than on his plate. I wanted to say that there is nothing about him that is 'evolved' but I love her so I didn't.

It's OK to leave for any reason or no reason. You don't need anyone's permission.

MNetters are great for holding members hands and giving advice through divorces.

You’ve got ‘the ick’, and from the sound of him I don’t blame you, there’s no going back.

I am telling my children not to get married.

@suki1964

I don't know why you chose to live like this.

@UtterlyHumiliated

He blows his nose in his hands and you stay with him?

I'm not sure how peri-menopause causes 47 year old men to behave like untrained animals. 🤷‍♀️

If OP was in her 20s or 30s and dating him, she'd quickly dump him for these traits. And often it's familiarty breeds contempt. He's comfortable, lazy and complacent and has given up on self-respect let alone respect for OP or being a role model to their children.

The only way the marriage can be saved is if he recognises his behaviours and is willing to change them. Some like snoring are more problematic (although if triggered by excessive weight, especially around the neck, or sleep apnoea there can be progress) but are more tolerable if he's not being repulsive the rest of the time.

But to sink to not having an issue with snot hanging off your nose is such a low bar, that the odds of him wanting to change are pretty dismal.

Thanks so much for all your advice. I have tried to talk to him. The snoring certainly, but he gets annoyed with me. I try so gently to turn him over when he lies on his back snoring and he tells me to fuck right off. I promise if you knew him you'd know why its not easy to tell him or that its pointless. Of course I've talked to him about things, not physical hygenine but the fact hes never taken me on a date or booked anything ever for a birthday or anything....no change...no proper acknowledgment so hard to keep trying. And he will just get upset. I told him earlier this year that he made such lityel effort with me (gaming, phones at dinner, etc) and he said that I was "disloyal" and my constant complaints made him feel "insecure in the marriage and he was the only one who understand you accept your partner for who they are". He says i always want better, more.

Why dont I leave? Because of my kids and the disruption and because im not sure what would happen to him. And I feel guilty. And I dont want the kids to have a dysfunctional depressed alcoholic for a dad.

Your children will be happier away from such a toxic environment. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking they are better off with parents who don’t get on.

Put yourself and your DC first and get them out of your toxic household. Don’t worry about him, he clearly doesn’t give a stuff about you or his DC.

I think you should get some therapy OP, to help you unpack your feelings about all this and break free. It would be healthier for you and your children in the long term.

I think also I may be in peri Menopause. I do feel much less forgiving. He has changed but so have I. I probably was more laid back 10 year ago or thought I should be. Ignored stuff or smiled through things. And those things have got more pronounced. And I've got less forgiving of them. I would really really like to make it work in the sense I really dont want to be divorced. I just can't imagine how it will be possible. It would be unimaginably grim and dysfunctional. He is the not the man to dust himself off or be the grown up or whatever.

Because you are staying with someone who you find disgusting and awful and he has no clue and not separating.

@PinkyFlamingo im trying desperately to work out what to do. Im not trying to be horrible.