To find my husband disgusting

[Pinktize]

He turned 47 recently but I feel hes 80. He snores so much and he always sleeps on his back and when I gently push him he tells me to fuck off. He eats his food so fast he has to lie on the floor. He tells me long long stories about something from Tesco and I hate listening to him! He slurps yoghurt. Sometimes he has snot hanging from his nose. And I can hear his sneezes from anywhere in the house. I find myself trying to physically avoid him. When I see old couples around I think about it being us and I hate the idea of it being me and him.

I feel horrible. Hes not particularly nice but honestly the feelinh now is so physical. I feel really harsh. I wish it wasnt like this. We went to counselling and I obviously didnt say any of this but we talked about physical closeness and I was just screaming NOOOO in my head

I feel pretty horrible about it.

You’re not horrible @Pinktize . I absolutely feel for you. Don’t blame your peri for his disgusting ways.

My DH snored, if I nudged him he would just say sorry and turn over. Your DH tells you to fuck off. That on its own would see me packing his bags.

Thanks @Connectingconcrable

Im re-reading all the comments. I know a few things for absolute certain

1. He wont change. He is not clueless about how i feel. He thinks me/women expect too much
2. I dont respect him or love him
3. The idea of being alone is so exciting to me. Liberating

Also

1. The kids will hate to live in 2 homes
2. He will hate me so much. Which is fine. But the kids will suffer. He will make my life hell.
3. He will drag everything out as long as possible.
4. He may well have a breakdown. He may well put the kids in danger. I dont trust the family courts to listen to womens or kids in this scenario

Thats a summary of my situation. Probably the same as many women

I thought i could stick it out until kids are older. But the disgust is really making it v v hard.

Many of these cons are hypothetical. The kids will adjust. It’s better to seperate than you modelling to them that a relationship full of disgust is normal and fine. This is what they will internalise. And children always pick up on things, and notice more than parents think.

Sending love and strength @Pinktize .

You need to speak to Women’s Aid for advice on what to do. Some of what you’ve written is actually pretty chilling. And actually it’s made me believe it’s even more important to get you and your DC out.

This.

The idea of being alone is so exciting to me. Liberating

Find a way to make it happen, OP. it won't be easy, but it will be worth doing, especially in the long run, and not just for you.

So this revolting pig, who regularly tells his wife to fuck off, can potentially have her children 50% of the time and treat them in a similar fashion? Mumsnetters like to trot out the old "Oh, men never push for 50/50" but it's not true, spiteful men who want to punish their exes definitely do that.

Unpopular but I would wait it out until the kids are 18 and then leave. Just live seperate lives until then and save as much money as you can. I think there are more people in this situation than people think.

I get that. But it's not fair staying with someone who you have these feelings about. For either if you.

@namechangetheworld I think this way too. And I agree about 5050. He cpuld either demand 5050 or disappear entirely. But you're right it will be about punishment not the kids

But my two main negatives (apart from living with him)..is that the kids adopt his ways (they are boys) and I become a servant to 3 belching blokes, and also ill be in my 50s.

But what you set out is v much dominating my thinking. Hence me asking if way to cope or reduce with disgust....I want to find a way to "manage" as the thought of my kids being unsafe for the sake of my peace....no no

You’re having a normal reaction to him being a bad mannered, unpalatable pig. It’s normal to feel disgusted at the disgusting. It’s not on you to try and squash these feelings down and pack them away so you can somehow cope with this miserable marriage, it’s on him to change his ways. If he does, maybe what has been seen cannot be unseen but at least there would be a slither of hope. Is he willing to raise his standards to those of an average human being? That’s the question.

I apologise, I hadn’t read far enough on the thread.
You do right to resolve to leave. Even if it can’t be right now, you have much sunnier days to look forward to just having made the decision in your mind at least

Is it better to leave when the kids are young or older? What is better for them do people think? They are 5 and 4. I just want to not fuxk them up.

You only have one life, you are wasting it if you just stick it out and tread water, ignoring him as much as possible. Your children won't thank you as adults, believe me. There is more to life

The younger your kids are when you leave the better. It gets harder for them to adapt as they get older. If they're young they won't know/remember much different in a few years. If they are teens, they will be easily disrupted.

You can't live like this.

This is also modeling to your boys how to treat women, how women don't care if you're gross and how women are there just to be the housewives no matter how rubbish it is for them. Do you want them to be like him at 47? I mean it's 47! It's still perfectly young enough to be fit and sexy. 40s isn't old! There is no excuse for being gross and acting like an old man. Who would want that?!

Much better when they're young. Adaptable and able to accept change before adolescence bulldozes in. Getting them settled in their new normal before that happens is wise.

I bet you are in peri. Your 'like me like me aren't I pretty have babies with me' hormones are beginning to drop and the 'what the actual fuck is this?' hormones (that were there all along) are being revealed. Your inclination and ability to put up with shituations will plummet further.

We're supposed to like, love, respect, fancy, enjoy being with our partners. That is the point. When they consistently fail to do anything that might help that, and persistently do things instead that disappoint, offend and repulse - we have a problem. And when they announce that expecting anything else is unreasonable and too much, then the relationship is toast.

If this was your house to begin with, bear in mind that as your husband co owns it.

He will probably do the demanding 5050 thing as a 'control you / get out of child maintenance' thing.

See a solicitor. Find out both your rights and responsibilities. Where you stand. Knowledge is essential.

Right now you are presenting your sons with a role model, a blueprint for how to behave towards women. What a wife is worth. What relationships are.

You could present them instead with an example of how women can and do say 'no, not having it and am not inflicting it on the kids.'

5 and 4! There’s no way you can stick it out for another 14 years- that’s ludicrous. Almost half of marriages end in divorce. You are catastrophising what will happen. Divorce is common- awful but doable and necessary for many.

It is better to go sooner rather than later. Take your time and prepare though --

✓ Start with all of your legal documents. Get everything in order for you and the children and put originals into a bank vault.

✓Have an initial meeting with a solicitor and make sure you are absolutely clear on the steps you need to take.

✓Depending on the ownership structure of your home and legal advice, take steps to let him know your plans and get him out of the family home.

✓Make sure you have your own bank account, one credit card and a utility bill that is just in your name.

If I were you, I'd be making alternative sleeping arrangements if at all possible. Just while you are sorting your arrangements out. You can say it's because you are feeling unwell, sore back, anything really - just don't make it about him. He will just strong arm you into acquiescing back to sleeping in the bedroom.

Your boys need you to be strong, they need you to show them a different way. That will be your gift to them.

I left when mine was 2.5, and I finally went because she had actually shouted at her father not to shout at me. I didn’t want her to grow up thinking that our relationship was any kind of model to follow. I didn’t want her feeling she had to protect me. It took me a long time, I was very scared of what he might do and how he might react. But I (eventually) found peace and she as a teenager can choose to take refuge with me if she feels the need. Fortunately she has only done that once, in general he is far better behaved with her than he was with me.

I would honestly rip that plaster off. He’ll do what he’ll do, but he’s using emotional manipulation to control you and keep you there. That’s not on. If he goes for 50:50 and doesn’t step up to meet their needs, they’ll choose to spend more time with you later on. And you can teach them that if they want girl or boyfriends later in life, to look after their manners and hygiene and to see their partner as a person! Staying with him shows them that his behaviour is acceptable.

You have the ick. It’s time to leave!

Younger for all the reasons already said.

I was you a decade ago. I lost all respect for DP due to his behaviour. We stopped eating meals together because I couldn’t stand the open-mouthed chewing as he bolted his food. We slept in separate rooms because he wouldn’t seek advice about his sleep apnoea. I’d walk past the lounge and see him slouched in front of the TV scratching his balls or picking his nose and find myself sneering in disgust.

It doesn’t get better. Once you feel contempt for your partner, you can’t fix that. The resentment simmers away under the surface poisoning the whole relationship.

I left when our boys were 10 and 14. They were fine. We told them we were still a family of four, would still do stuff together… we just couldn’t live as a couple anymore.

Bizarrely my relationship with ex improved greatly once we no longer lived together. He’s now one of my best friends.

Life is too short to be miserable. Do what makes you and your children happy. Be brave.

I think this clearly shows you are in a coercive abusive relationship.
He is a deliberately dusgusting pig.
He has chosen to be this way to grind you down.
It is an abusive tactic.
He will encourage your sons to be like him.
To treat you with disrespect too.
They will turn out like him despite your efforts because he is their male role model.

I think you really need to stop trying to fix yourself to accept an abusive relationship and look for real help to leave.

Plan carefully.
Take your time.
Can you move out of the bedroom?
Any hint of aggression from him, call the police.
So many people wish their parents had separated rather than stayed together.

What happens to him is not your concern.
He is deliberately abusing you.
Coercive control is a crime.

What is your housing, work and family situation?
Do you have support?

What is better is divorcing whilst you’re young and can move on with your life.

Honestly if you Divorce now it will soon be the new normal to them and they will hardly be able to remember living altogether, they’ll just have memories of having a happy Mum.

Please dont stay “for the sake if the DC”. Having you disrespected and unhappy is not in their interests.

If he’s repulsing you like this, you don’t need therapy.

Just make plans to leave. No relationship can function like this.

OP You mention "alcoholic" Could it be a depressed person using alcohol to hide behind?

I can understand how you are feeling @Pinktize and how you are concerned for any impact on your children but they do pick up on resentments quite quickly and maybe already have.

I’m older than you but have separated from my partner after similar feelings. Annoyance over not washing up after cooking for days on end, not cleaning the bathroom after using it, constantly watching things on his phone no matter which room he was in (it’s like he had a ‘soundtrack’ of American voices with him constantly 😁). He didn’t brush his teeth at night or floss and the smell was awful.

I think in my situation we moved in together too quickly but ultimately, he carried on living the same lifestyle that he followed when he lived on his own. I should maybe have raised issues more directly but at the time thought ‘why should I have to tell a man in his late 40s to brush his teeth better or to leave the kitchen in a decent state?’. If you decide to live with another person, then you need to consider how your behaviour impacts them.

I’m not perfect by any stretch of the imagination but I left our shared living areas in a usable state and ensured good hygiene around him. Ultimately we just had different lifestyles and standards I think. My partner was otherwise a kind person and that can make it hard to separate but you deserve peace and a feeling of contentment in your own home.