Am I Being Unreasonable? Friend Upset I Won't Go Away for Her Birthday

[Reasonablemary]

I'm married and have a 17-month-old baby. A friend of mine, who is single with no kids and a very lonely person, invited me to her birthday weekend away. I'm one of the few people she has, so I feel terrible for leaving her behind. I don't want to be one of those people who completely neglects their friends after having a kid.

I turned her down, and she got really upset. She said, "Can't you spend one single night away from your toddler?"

AIBU to not want to go?

Did you explain why ?

Why don't you want to go?

Oh it’s such an awkward one. When you say “very lonely” how many others are going?

If you don't want to go, you don't have to.

Why can't your toddler stay with his Dad for the weekend?

I don't want to be one of those people who completely neglects their friends after having a kid.

Don't be that person then.

I'm one of the few people she has

There's probably a reason for that, OP. I used to spend my life "picking up" this sort of person, for fear they would "fall" without my support. I think the reasons for this are deeply rooted in my childhood, but not rational or helpful.

No you aren't. Would I have left my daughter at 17 months? Nope. Some people would and some wouldn't. You do what you are happy with.

I wouldn’t have left my baby at that age. I’d also be annoyed if someone expected me to!

You do come across as you pity her more than like her though.

Something about her question would have irritated me. Who is she to ask you such a question? If you don’t want to spend a night away from your child, you don’t owe anyone an explanation.
Great if some people want so spend time away from their kids and equally fine if you don’t as well.

People without kids tend to not understand how hard it is to leave little ones. You’ll get some people saying you should go but I believe you should do that whenever you feel comfortable and you shouldn’t be bullied into it. I’ve got three children and I haven’t been away from my youngest (2 yo) for more than 3 hours (once, to take my eldest to cinema). I just don’t want to and I don’t have to explain myself.

I think I'm just exhausted really. I don't have the energy for this but feel terrible for not trying to make an effort for a friend. My doubt comes from why does it have to be a whole weekend away? Would just dinner not be enough? Am I being selfish?

Could you not go away for one night as a compromise? Would hopefully give you a chance to have a rest. IMO it's a good thing to keep up your friendships when you are a mum and having time to yourself to recharge is a bonus!

Just another friend is going

Just go Op..
Weekend break, have a rest, change of scenery, have a laugh.
You Dc will be fine for 2 days with Dh.

What do you mean by ‘leaving her behind’?

Meaning that Im not "following" her. I don't think I chose the right words but I guess you can get the idea

My MIL was always delighted to do the childcare for me which is lucky as exh definitely wouldn’t have done.

I’d have jumped at this but it doesn’t seem many UK mums would which doesn’t surprise me. But I wonder why there is so much guilt associated with leaving small people with people they love and who love them in the UK.

Under no circumstances would I have gone on a birthday weekend away leaving my 17 month old.

Fortunately, none of my friends would have been daft enough to suggest it.

You can say you’d love a special birthday dinner with her but can’t go away yet because your dc is too young and would be too upset. Maybe next year.

It's not daft at all to suggest it! Plenty mums are able to leave their kids for a night or two, doesn't mean your way is better than their way!

I went away for two nights when my baby was 1, was actually very good for my mental health and my relationship with DP as he realised how much I was doing. If you would want to go usually then try and go, it might be good for you. If you genuinly just don't want to go on a trip with her then also fair enough and she should respect you for that too.

I agree, I don't get it. If your child is with the other parent, or even a grandparent who is happy to look after them, then what's the issue?! Let your hair down and have fun! Just cause you are a mum doesn't mean you need to be tied to your child at all times!

YOUR choice!

If you don’t want to, you don’t want to. There’s nothing wrong with not wanting to leave your toddler, much as some people will try to persuade you there is. And there’s nothing wrong with not wanting to go away. I may be adding 2 and 2 and getting 10, but I suspect that going away with her for a weekend might not be a relaxing carefree event?

Yes, taking her to dinner is enough. It’s not neglecting her.