Am I Being Unreasonable? Friend Upset I Won't Go Away for Her Birthday

[Reasonablemary]

I'm married and have a 17-month-old baby. A friend of mine, who is single with no kids and a very lonely person, invited me to her birthday weekend away. I'm one of the few people she has, so I feel terrible for leaving her behind. I don't want to be one of those people who completely neglects their friends after having a kid.

I turned her down, and she got really upset. She said, "Can't you spend one single night away from your toddler?"

AIBU to not want to go?

Mums are allowed to enjoy spending time with their friends and there's nothing weird about it! Being a mum doesn't need to be your whole identity!

said, "Can't you spend one single night away from your toddler?"

”Yes, I can but why would I want to?”

This excuse that friends who don’t have children don’t understand is horse shit. If they really don’t understand that’s ok, they don’t have to. What they do have to do is accept that them not understanding something doesn’t make it wrong.

If adults want to make a big deal of their birthday good for them, why not, no one is too old for fun. What they are too old for is expecting everyone they ask to come along and celebrate them, because that’s basically what a birthday celebration is, should be willing and able to do so.

But was that because hed never been given the space to learn when baby was tiny? Obviously everyone can parent in their own way but I do find it sad that so many subsume their lives into "mum" so completely. My now ex DH was a perfectly competent father and held the fort when I went to visit friends, most of whom live hours away so often an overnight. Then when we split up my young children were away from me for weeks at a time in the school holidays. Now they're teens they know that occasionally I'll be out or away and I don't drop everything just because they'd prefer me to be hanging around just in case they decide to spend half an hour on the sofa with me. I have a friend who has never travelled more than an hour from her daughters as they grew up. They are now older teens and she's massively struggling to construct some kind of life for herself.

But that's not why she said she wasn't going. That would totally fine. If she'd said "I've been invited to X event and I hate those kinds of events and yes I've tried them before" then fine. It's the idea that it's ridiculous to imagine she might leave her 17m old that people are reacting to. Some will, some won't but it's not an insane, unthinkable suggestion.

Friendships aren't dependent on spending nights away from your toddler. Don't let yourself be strong armed into what you're not comfortable with. Your dc will only be tiny for a while. Your friend might feel exactly the same if she has a dc in future and you'll be annoyed you let yourself be pushed into it

I wouldn’t go, be aware that she’s outsourcing her emotions to you making you responsible for how she feels. No should be enough and if she can’t understand that, it’s on her not you.

you absolutely are not, she might need to find some new friends or hobbies because your lives are completely different and going down different paths. Is she “child and partner free” by choice?

Some women when they become mothers dont see it as a hardship to be with their children 24/7, they want to do it and dont want to go do some random pointless activities. I had my time with my friends,now ifs time to make memories with my kids, only time im away from mine is when im in hospital and then too we video call or i play games with them (animal crossing etc)

I wouldn’t want to leave my young child either. You don’t need to explain or apologise. She is being rude by insisting. I would distance myself a little. She is being very pushy. Offer a dinner and no more. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do op. It’s not your job to be her entertainment.

I love being with my dc - and have never gone away without them. Now they are adult, we are super close and I am so glad I didn’t give away the precious time to others, I prioritised my time with them.

It doesn't need to be a choice, you can have both!

Do you have friends as well?

We don’t need both, thanks all the same. We like being with our dc.

When did I say it was a hardship? What would be us giving up who I was before I had them..friends I've had all my life or for decades since university. As the pp said, you can do both. Being mum does not have to involve giving up everything else or limiting it to very short, small bursts.

And so do I..very much. I have a brilliant relationship with my teens but we don't have to be in each others' pockets. Can you not understand nuance? That's it not an absolute? Liking to see my friends doesn't mean I don't like my kids 🙄

I love spending time with my 3 children too, but also love spending time with my friends as well. Just because you have friendships doesn't mean you don't love spending time with your kids. One day they will be all grown up and you might regret not keeping your friendships. Each to their own though and if only spending time with your kids makes you happy then good for you!

I have so many friends. I saw them with my very young dc for the first five years and had dinners after they were in bed.

Then we had parties and bbqs etc when the dc were older, and included dc in much of the socialising. We would have girls nights out every once in a while, and lunches when they were at school when we were free and not working.

Now we have larger dinner parties with friends and their adult dc, or go to concerts and outings together. I have never stayed overnight.

I enjoyed being at home and waking up dc. It’s never affected my friendships. They sometimes do the odd ski trip, but apart from that everyone is happy with the arrangements.

My dc are grown up now. I have so many friends and no issues at all. See above. I’m just saying to op you can shape the life you would like to have to suit you.

Another item for when I compose my Elegy for a Wasted Life.

Everyone is different. Personally I would happily have gone away for a weekend when DS was that age. But only in England and only if DS was with DH, so I guess I'm in the middle of the scale. It's fine to be at either opposite end of the scale too.

I'd also personally never set an expectation of my friends of more than a meal or night out regardless. But I also think she may not 'get it' if she doesn't have children, which is understandable.

What stands out to me though is that you say you're exhausted so I'm not sure why you're not going for a break. If there's a drip feed that your DH is never left alone with your baby or something then that's a bigger issue.

Can you join them for the day but go home for the evening?

I mean, one night away wouldn’t have been too much trouble for a friend who feels lonely. You could end up in her shoes if you don’t bother with friends.

Some of us don’t have grandparents for dc nearby or even grandparents alive. My DDs had one grandmother. Yes she helped but obviously not always available. Even grandparents have holidays.

YANBU. I would have hated having to leave mine at that sort of age. It would have been only for some real emergency.

Not going away for the weekend isn't completely neglecting someone.
@Reasonablemary just tell her that a weekend won't work for you but is there something she'd like to do during the day. Even if you didn't have a toddler, it's ok not to go away for someone's birthday if you don't really want to!