Page 5 | Am I Being Unreasonable? Friend Upset I Won't Go Away for Her Birthday

CheeseWisely · 13/09/2025 00:17

TizerorFizz · 13/09/2025 00:06

@CheeseWisely I’ve no doubt your DH has been amazing. I discovered mine wasn’t. However he earned a lot, and that took some effort. Unfortunately his skills didn’t run to dc. Modern men are usually more keen but don’t assume all are. My DD has been saying how poor some dads are among her friends. It’s just how it is. DH didn’t get babies or toddlers and didn’t have a close relationship with his parents. So you think they will break the mould, but they don’t.

Oh I’m not assuming, some of my ‘mum friends’ with DC the same age as mine have partners who cop-out of childcare too, and it is a cop-out. My skills don’t naturally run to babies and toddlers either but I’ve got one so I’ve fucking well worked at it. I’ve no time for Men (or Women) that claim incompetency.

NotABiscuitInSight · 13/09/2025 00:18

Reasonablemary · 12/09/2025 22:00

I think I'm just exhausted really. I don't have the energy for this but feel terrible for not trying to make an effort for a friend. My doubt comes from why does it have to be a whole weekend away? Would just dinner not be enough? Am I being selfish?

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So you, as a mother and partner, are worried about her, and she, a single woman without children, is also worried about...her?

It's not your fault she doesn't have anyone.

Acting up because she can't sufficiently expand her friend and partner circle isn't your responsibility to manage.

Dinner is enough for you because you hae a full schedule. It's not enough for her because she doesn't have as much going onor as mamy people in her life and shes probably lonely and more dependent.

But as a wife and mother to a young child you're not at a stage to give more.

In that stage of my lofe, my friends and family fell over themselves to make lofe easiest for me as they knew how draining that stage is and empathised.

her lack of empathy would get my back up.

She's allowed her feelings, same as you.
You don't have to be manipulated by them.

Kishori · 13/09/2025 00:21

NotABiscuitInSight · 13/09/2025 00:18

So you, as a mother and partner, are worried about her, and she, a single woman without children, is also worried about...her?

It's not your fault she doesn't have anyone.

Acting up because she can't sufficiently expand her friend and partner circle isn't your responsibility to manage.

Dinner is enough for you because you hae a full schedule. It's not enough for her because she doesn't have as much going onor as mamy people in her life and shes probably lonely and more dependent.

But as a wife and mother to a young child you're not at a stage to give more.

In that stage of my lofe, my friends and family fell over themselves to make lofe easiest for me as they knew how draining that stage is and empathised.

her lack of empathy would get my back up.

She's allowed her feelings, same as you.
You don't have to be manipulated by them.

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I love this answer!

PrincessFairyWren · 13/09/2025 00:21

How much does this friend do for you? If she has supported you through milestones then I can understand her being upset that you don’t value hers.

Maybe you need to reassess your friendship and the balance. It isn’t about having to leave your child if you don’t have appropriate childcare options but you could do something else to acknowledge her birthday.

Maybe talk to her about what makes her feel appreciated and work from there rather than you are tired and don’t want to go.

TizerorFizz · 13/09/2025 00:22

@CheeseWisely There’s a difference between not liking it snd having a solution. I liked the money and it’s all very well demanding DH does things but it wasn’t going to happen so I took the lifestyle.

Peachpeppercorn · 13/09/2025 00:25

It’s okay to not want to go. I’d have not wanted to before or after children. I’m just not fussed for weekends away unless it’s with my sister.

i had a couple of friends wanting to go abroad for my milestone birthday and it’s just not my vibe. I was made to feel uncomfortable for not fancying it. I see them less now and realise we just weren’t super compatible friends and that’s fine

Lighttodark · 13/09/2025 00:43

Zonder · 12/09/2025 21:53

I don't want to be one of those people who completely neglects their friends after having a kid.

Don't be that person then.

You don’t have to go away with said friend in order not to neglect her.

If you don’t want to go, don’t. You can kindly explain why it’s not right for you and suggest an alternative way you can celebrate. I’ve found that some child-free friends just don’t get it and that’s ok; you don’t need to convince them that you’re right/they’re wrong.

Lighttodark · 13/09/2025 00:51

Kishori · 12/09/2025 22:55

It’s completely normal for a mum not to want to leave their 17 month old child - she’s not even two years old yet, why would you want to leave her to party at someone else’s birthday?!

If some mums want to go, good for them. But you don’t, so why on earth would any decent human being try to make you feel guilty for putting your own offspring first?

This person pressuring you is not really a friend, she’s a selfish person who doesn’t really care about your heart, and she certainly doesn’t care about your child.

A true friend supports you in making decisions that work for you, with your highest interests, needs and wishes in mind.

Shes being the child in this instance. Foolish woman. Fancy trying to insist that a mum with a toddler should leave him/her behind when she clearly doesn’t want to - for a whole weekend at that!

Shes not asking you because you need the break, she’s selfish and wants to feel special regardless of the cost to others.

Ever wonder why this person doesn’t have many friends?!?

You know, this is the beautiful gift that your little child is giving you - clarity about who you should have in your life and who you can leave behind - and should leave behind if you want to become the best role model ever for your child.

Being a Mum is so cool, you start to see what doesn’t serve you, and likely never did.

Have the best weekend with your child at home, and give him/her extra kisses for opening your eyes and making room for newer truer friendships in the future.

You remind me of me several years ago. I hope you wise up quicker than I did.

You don’t ever have to sacrifice your role and/or desires as a mother to pander to other peoples selfish feelings. Whether that’s for a weekend, a lifetime, a day, or even 5 minutes. Heck, you don’t even have to babysit other people’s feelings even if you have no children!

What are you worried will happen if you say no to her?

Love this!
Agree, this is all about your friend and she’s not thinking of you. You don’t need to be pushed in to something you don’t want to do in order to be a good friend.

RoseAlone · 13/09/2025 00:59

Of course you'd prefer to be with your child, you'd be very weird if you didn't.

InWalksBarberalla · 13/09/2025 01:20

RoseAlone · 13/09/2025 00:59

Of course you'd prefer to be with your child, you'd be very weird if you didn't.

People aren't weird if they enjoy an occasional night away with friends leaving their child with the other parent (or grandparents). Neither preference should be labelled weird.

Almostwelsh · 13/09/2025 01:38

I wouldn't have wanted to leave mine overnight at that age either. Nothing to do with guilt - I just missed them and didn't feel happy without them. I was still breastfeeding too and I would have spent the weekend leaking from my boobs and either in pain or having to go and pump at regular intervals.

UserUserUser12 · 13/09/2025 02:27

Zonder · 12/09/2025 23:25

Depends how far away it is.

I am struggling to see why a parent can't leave a 17 month old for one night with its other parent.

Would people be shocked at a dad going away overnight and leaving a 17 month old with their mum?

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But why is an overnight stay the gauge of a good friend? Why can’t going out for dinner or a walk or really anything that doesn’t involve staying somewhere not be enough? It sounds to me that some people like going away overnight, and some people don’t (or are too tired or stressed to), but the person that’s the good friend is the one that enjoys the overnight trips regardless is whether their friend wants to or not? It’s quite blinkered?

SweetnsourNZ · 13/09/2025 03:00

Could you not manage some of the trip? Maybe daytime activities or 1 night. Sometimes doing something different can revitalize you if you are feeling tired. Do you have someone you trust to look after toddler?
Do you actually want to continue this friendship?

arcticpandas · 13/09/2025 03:20

I didn't want to leave my children with nursery/childminder when this young so sahm. I did trust my Mil though so could have gone for a week-end if I wanted to. But it sounds as you don't want to so don't. She's entitled to put pressure on you so no wonder she doesn't have a lot of friends.

OutbackQueen · 13/09/2025 03:23

I think that if you wanted a weekend away enough and liked your friend enough you’d do it. Have times changed since my daughter was that age 20+ years ago? Me and then DH would take her to stay with my parents when we had the occasional big night out and I went away on business more than once and left her in the hands of her very capable father.
She doesn’t appear to have suffered any lasting damage and I find this thread frankly unbelievable.

PollyBell · 13/09/2025 03:28

OutbackQueen · 13/09/2025 03:23

I think that if you wanted a weekend away enough and liked your friend enough you’d do it. Have times changed since my daughter was that age 20+ years ago? Me and then DH would take her to stay with my parents when we had the occasional big night out and I went away on business more than once and left her in the hands of her very capable father.
She doesn’t appear to have suffered any lasting damage and I find this thread frankly unbelievable.

We also had weekends away without our child i have no issue being without our child for short break but if a friend wants to guilt trip because they think the only reason i dont want to go away is my child they are in the wrong

People can make choices not child related

nomas · 13/09/2025 03:57

OP, ignore anyone pressuring you to go. Your gut is telling you not to go, listen to it. You are allowed to not to want to leave your toddler.

The issue about you being exhausted is separate. Is everything ok at home work?

Zonder · 13/09/2025 04:30

UserUserUser12 · 13/09/2025 02:27

But why is an overnight stay the gauge of a good friend? Why can’t going out for dinner or a walk or really anything that doesn’t involve staying somewhere not be enough? It sounds to me that some people like going away overnight, and some people don’t (or are too tired or stressed to), but the person that’s the good friend is the one that enjoys the overnight trips regardless is whether their friend wants to or not? It’s quite blinkered?

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It's not the gauge of a good friend. It's just what this particular friend would like to do for their birthday. It's not particularly unusual! They haven't asked friends to go sky diving or bungee jumping with them.

nomas · 13/09/2025 04:34

Zonder · 13/09/2025 04:30

It's not the gauge of a good friend. It's just what this particular friend would like to do for their birthday. It's not particularly unusual! They haven't asked friends to go sky diving or bungee jumping with them.

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You can’t always get what you want. Friendship isn’t about guilting your friends into going away with you because you’re lonely. There has to be compromise. OP is still happy to see her friend.

Zonder · 13/09/2025 04:36

You can't always get what you want, but it's not an unreasonable suggestion for a birthday. In our family the birthday person chooses, within reason,how to celebrate. A trip away is not odd, selfish or unusual.

If op has a 7 month old I would say no, don't go, but I'm struggling to see why she can't leave a 17 month old with another live-in parent. Unless she doesn't trust the other parent to parent.

autienotnaughty · 13/09/2025 04:43

You shouldn’t be guilted into a weekend away, it’s reasonable to not want to leave your child or to be exhausted from parenting/work etc and to not want to go.

your friend should be able to understand that but it sounds like she relies on you to be her family, which may be more than you can give at this time.
There’s nothing wrong with having boundaries in friendships, I’d just say you would love to do a meal together but currently an overnight isn’t feasible.
my sister is single, she lives quite far away but we speak on the phone every week. I have 3 kids , 2 have Sen and my life is very chaotic and busy. She gets annoyed if I can’t give her the full hour to chat with out interruptions but sometimes it’s not possible . I think it feels to her like she’s not important to me, but of course she is it’s just I have more priorities at times.

PollyBell · 13/09/2025 04:44

Zonder · 13/09/2025 04:36

You can't always get what you want, but it's not an unreasonable suggestion for a birthday. In our family the birthday person chooses, within reason,how to celebrate. A trip away is not odd, selfish or unusual.

If op has a 7 month old I would say no, don't go, but I'm struggling to see why she can't leave a 17 month old with another live-in parent. Unless she doesn't trust the other parent to parent.

Yes 2 or more friends mutually deciding to go away for a weekend is perfectly normal planning a weekend away and expecting a friend to go and if they say no having a go at them is not

nomas · 13/09/2025 04:47

Zonder · 13/09/2025 04:36

You can't always get what you want, but it's not an unreasonable suggestion for a birthday. In our family the birthday person chooses, within reason,how to celebrate. A trip away is not odd, selfish or unusual.

If op has a 7 month old I would say no, don't go, but I'm struggling to see why she can't leave a 17 month old with another live-in parent. Unless she doesn't trust the other parent to parent.

It’s not unreasonable to ask, but when someone says no, it’s unreasonable to continue to pressure them, which is what the friend is doing.

OP doesn’t want to go, she doesn’t need any other reason.

UserUserUser12 · 13/09/2025 05:03

Zonder · 13/09/2025 04:30

It's not the gauge of a good friend. It's just what this particular friend would like to do for their birthday. It's not particularly unusual! They haven't asked friends to go sky diving or bungee jumping with them.

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I agree, I think it’s unreasonable to judge someone as not being a good friend for not wanting to go, however.

PlaygroundSusie · 13/09/2025 06:11

OutbackQueen · 13/09/2025 03:23

I think that if you wanted a weekend away enough and liked your friend enough you’d do it. Have times changed since my daughter was that age 20+ years ago? Me and then DH would take her to stay with my parents when we had the occasional big night out and I went away on business more than once and left her in the hands of her very capable father.
She doesn’t appear to have suffered any lasting damage and I find this thread frankly unbelievable.

I think the first sentence nails it.

OP, is this less about your reluctance to leave your DC, and more that you don't like this friend enough to spend a whole weekend with her?

I ask because while I don't have kids, I do have a friend who sounds like yours. A good friend and a lovely person, but very lonely. And her loneliness has caused her to be self-absorbed. (Or her self-absorption has driven people away and caused her to be lonely. It's a rather vicious cycle).

Whenever we catch up, she rambles on about herself, her childhood, her work, her health, and the various dramas that are happening in her life (and she seems to lurch from one mini-drama to another). The last time we caught up for a coffee, her topics of conversation were:

an infestation of carpet moths in her house;
her stress at work and her issues with her supervisor;
her sore ankle, which she sprained tripping over a rake in her garden; and
a trip to a seaside town she took with her grandparents when she was seven, and all the various things they saw and did there.

I love my friend, but I often come away from our catch-ups feeling emotionally drained, and frankly, rather bored. I'm happy to see her in small doses, but there's no way I could spend an entire weekend with her. (And she has asked me to travel with her before, and I've had to come up with excuses to decline).

OP, perhaps your friend is similar?