Am I Being Unreasonable? Friend Upset I Won't Go Away for Her Birthday

[Reasonablemary]

I'm married and have a 17-month-old baby. A friend of mine, who is single with no kids and a very lonely person, invited me to her birthday weekend away. I'm one of the few people she has, so I feel terrible for leaving her behind. I don't want to be one of those people who completely neglects their friends after having a kid.

I turned her down, and she got really upset. She said, "Can't you spend one single night away from your toddler?"

AIBU to not want to go?

At 17 months old your child is more than capable of surviving a night without Mum. I have a job which involves nights away so my kids got used to it from 10 months old and survived quite happily. I think it’s good for kids to have that little bit of ‘independence’ from Mum from an early age, it helps with school transitions etc. But you say it’s also partly because you are exhausted, is it going to be a ‘wild’ one? In which case I understand why you don’t want to go. However if it’s a relaxing time with girlie friends you might actually benefit from the rest?

Yes.

My mum had friends outside the family, my dad only has one or two & they don’t live especially near him, so it’s mainly phone chats. None of us live that close though we visit him as often as we can. He doesn’t want to get involved with local social groups because he’s shy & he doesn’t want to move.

Mum would have coped far better by herself.

Even with the best intentions, weekends away aren’t cheap, and I can totally see why those funds could be better allocated. Realistically, it’s going to be hundreds of pounds, and that could potentially be a couple of months disposable income.

But we don't know that. The OP hasn't said. It may be the case and maybe be relevant in another scenario but that's just speculation.

How is a weekend away not going to be hundreds of pounds? Are they going camping? Seems unlikely.

I went for a night away last month. It was £70 for a nice double room above a pub in a seaside town. Not loads of alcohol, a pizza meal, a croissant for breakfast by the sea. Less than £200. But again, if the op had said I can't afford it, you'd have a valid point but on this particular instance it hasn't been mentioned as a factor.

Presumably this wasn’t a last minute arrangement so if someone agrees to go, they can budget in advance accordingly.

It doesn’t say in the OP that she can’t afford it.

I'm personally not a fan of telling other people how they should budget their money. If I was broke then being given extra time to save wouldn't help.

I don't know why the money issue is being discussed. Nowhere in the op does she say it's a factor

I agree shit fit doesn’t fit with the reaction of friend, described by OP, but the friends response wasn’t neutral, it was negative and lacked any empathy

On the financial side that I think we know when a friend has a milestone event; a 50th or a hen or something, they don’t tend to just spring it on us with only a weeks notice and no chance to save. when people don’t make an effort at all, and they’ve had plenty of advance notice then it just says to me ‘I don’t care enough about you to have saved a little bit and do something important for you.

If you’re on the breadline I’d be happy with a very cheap card and I’d understand that you’re not choosing to not bother for me, you absolutely can’t afford it. I would hate to think I had put my friend in an uncomfortable situation by asking them to do something totally out of a realistic budget and wouldn’t propose doing anything costly.

The bananas lady who won’t ever divert a tiny amount of money from her ‘fun funds’ for her kids is just odd. Good luck teaching them money management! It’s right your kids should be your priority, absolutely, but you’re a person with a wider life and not absolutely everything has to be about your kids all the time.

Agree, it sounds like the issue is not being able to leave the toddler. I think this is quite variable. Mine still fed at night at this age but I know others whose children of that age would have been sleeping through form more than a year.

Friend is fully grown woman and is finding out what boss girl life is about-no kids no partner desperately clinging on to someone giving her attention.

I think this ‘boss girl’ comment said it all about how @banananas1999 sees this. She’s assuming that the friend chose to be single & not have kids, & is now suffering the consequences.

I don’t think the OP’s said anything about the friend’s circumstances? Would the friend be more deserving if she’d wanted kids & a partner & not got them?

Is that the issue though? OP has only said she doesn't have the energy and doesn't want to go. Birthday Girl thinks it's about leaving the child but OP hasn't said that herself. It sounds to me like the friendship has drifted and OP only feels bad out of obligation.

If it were my birthday weekend I'd rather spend it with one good friend instead of two people where one was only there because they felt bad for me.

What does this say about women?? That female friendships are fine when you’re 7, but be sure to ditch other women when you get the ultimate goal of a man & kids.

Men don’t do this at nearly the same rate as women.

Some of my friends never met anyone, many can’t have kids. They are not trying to live a “boss girl” life. I know plenty of women with a husband & kids who are far more “boss girls” because their career ambitions didn’t die when they found a man & had kids. Neither did their friendships.

Your kids might be happy now, but they’ll son want independence. That is the natural course of things.

If you want to go, then go. Your kid will be fine. And honestly, reconnecting could be really good for the friendship. It’s a bit unfair to say, “Can’t she just do a dinner?” when she’s the one inviting you on a trip, it’s her birthday, after all.

If you don’t want to go, just be honest with yourself. I totally get how hard it is with a toddler, mine’s 16 months and it’s exhausting. Friends without kids don’t always understand why we can’t just get a babysitter, go out for dinner, or have the kid “sleep in the pram” (as if!). They won’t fully get it until they have their own.

So the real question is: do you not want to go because it’s genuinely too hard right now, or are you feeling guilty because she doesn’t have many close friends? What’s really holding you back?

I think we should organise a raucous mumsnet gals bottomless brunch/drinking weekend with bananas1999 as the guest of honour. 2 hours of unlimited alcohol, followed by a heavy night of clubbing, zero contact with children or hubby and HUNDREDS of pounds of precious family money spent. I reckon she'll be dancing on the tables after she's unclenched a bit. Fancy that, a whole weekend spent with randoms who are non relatives! Sounds like a rave.

Who is telling anyone to budget their money?

I wouldn't go either. Not because of leaving the toddler (I wouldn't want to do that either) but because I find weekends away exhausting and I'm tired enough as it is

When people pull the whole, "I told them in advance, they had time to save up"

How is that telling someone what to do with their money?

If someone accepts an invite to do something which costs money, then it’s on them to be able to afford it. It’s an invitation, not a summons.

Because sometimes people don't accept an invitation for financial reasons. I think that giving an invitation in advance while thinking that the invitee should use the time for budgeting and saving is entitled. The invitee might have financial constraints you don't know about or they might be saving for someone else.

It’s just an invitation. There’s no ‘shoulds’ or assumptions. Simply decline an invite if you cannot afford it. I’m not sure what your point is here.

My point is that not everyone sees an invitation that way. Some people do get pissed if an invitation is declined and the person declining isn't willing to save up for the event despite being given "time to budget".

Sure, hypothetically. Many people could react in many ways. This isn’t the situation that has been described here. The OP hasn’t mentioned finances.