Am I Being Unreasonable? Friend Upset I Won't Go Away for Her Birthday

[Reasonablemary]

I'm married and have a 17-month-old baby. A friend of mine, who is single with no kids and a very lonely person, invited me to her birthday weekend away. I'm one of the few people she has, so I feel terrible for leaving her behind. I don't want to be one of those people who completely neglects their friends after having a kid.

I turned her down, and she got really upset. She said, "Can't you spend one single night away from your toddler?"

AIBU to not want to go?

Same, why is dinner and drinks not enough? How much would it cost? At 17 months I'd still be recovering financially from mat leave and if had to leave dc for night away, would rather have one with dh!

It’s not and was never guilt. My family were enough for me. I wanted to spend weekends with when them. Especially when they were little. Now everyone is older I’m enjoying going out with friends. I never lost touch with them.

Your post sounds judgy. Don’t assume the posts you’ve read here to represent the whole of the UK. In my friendship group alone there are the off every chance they get, odd weekend away or like me, just happy with lazy family weekends.

Went to a friend’s wedding with DH leaving 2.5 year old and one year old with my in-laws. Just for one night. Everyone survived. Did us the world of good. First time my in-laws had had the kids for that length of time too.

If you really wanted to go, I’m sure you would.

I would go personally. I really value my friends and would love a weekend away. I would be fine leaving my toddler with his dad for the weekend.

I'm with you in wondering why you have to go away to celebrate her birthday. Her choice to that really cannot place you under any obligation to make babysitting arrangements and incur expense just to keep her company. Tell her you'll happily meet up for a meal to celebrate.

If you don’t want to go don’t go.
If I liked her and was invested in the friendship I’d have jumped at the chance to leave dc with their dad and had myself a couple of nights but that’s me and you are you.
Neither is right or wrong.

Don’t be guilted into it. If you don’t want to go - don’t.

Go with your friend.

I didn't leave any of mine overnight until they were 3 even with their dad , who is a very capable hands on dad .. I couldn't enjoy myself leaving them.. explain you really arnt comfortable & arrange a meal or a day/night out together another time , she's got another freind going too so your not ruining it for her ...

Don’t be a person who neglects their friend then. The toddler will be fine with their father. Be a good friend.

She is being unreasonable, which is sort of fine as she doesn't have children and doesn't understand. However, it is completely normal to not want to be away from a 17 month old overnight for many reasons (also fine to be OK leaving them every child is different). At 17 months my son still breastfed at night, I absolutely would not have been away from him at night for anything other than a medical emergency.

I would just explain that she means a lot to you and you will support her, but now you have a child you cannot go away without them as they need you at night for the moment. You would love to see her for lunch/dinner/drinks/ day trip ect.

I would and did leave my children at that age and younger over night.

I understand you are tired OP but one night away resting relaxing and uninterrupted sleep might be a lot more restful than being at home

Only you can decide your reasons for not going and if you value the friendship enough to try.

Newsflash....not all mother's feel like that. I could and did go away for whole weekends and once a 5 day break with DH when kids were toddlers. It's not daft to suggest it.

I wouldn’t leave my 17 m.o either. I don’t really see the need for a weekend celebration for an adults birthday and it certainly doesn’t trump my dc needs. I agree with pp to do dinner or a 3 hour day spa or something else. If she declines fine but you offered an alternative. And if the friendship falters after you declining a weekend birthday celebration it wasn’t a strong friendship to begin with. She may want to be the center of attention on her birthday but your dc IS the center of your attention.

Maybe you have/had specific circumstances but if not it begs the question…Why is it daft?

I went away before both DC were 17 months. I had a great time to relax and get away, DH had a great time with the DC and they enjoyed themselves too.

I think it depends on how good a friend she is, and your reasons. I have a good friend that life has dealt a rough card, she’s single without kids (though she’d have dearly loved to have them) and has a reasonably small social circle. We spent a lot of time together before I had DS but naturally less now. I’d be very upset to think that she felt lonely and sad for something like this though, so as much as I don’t particularly want to leave my similar age DS (with his more than capable Dad) I would put our friendship first and do it, if I could afford to.

It’s completely normal for a mum not to want to leave their 17 month old child - she’s not even two years old yet, why would you want to leave her to party at someone else’s birthday?!

If some mums want to go, good for them. But you don’t, so why on earth would any decent human being try to make you feel guilty for putting your own offspring first?

This person pressuring you is not really a friend, she’s a selfish person who doesn’t really care about your heart, and she certainly doesn’t care about your child.

A true friend supports you in making decisions that work for you, with your highest interests, needs and wishes in mind.

Shes being the child in this instance. Foolish woman. Fancy trying to insist that a mum with a toddler should leave him/her behind when she clearly doesn’t want to - for a whole weekend at that!

Shes not asking you because you need the break, she’s selfish and wants to feel special regardless of the cost to others.

Ever wonder why this person doesn’t have many friends?!?

You know, this is the beautiful gift that your little child is giving you - clarity about who you should have in your life and who you can leave behind - and should leave behind if you want to become the best role model ever for your child.

Being a Mum is so cool, you start to see what doesn’t serve you, and likely never did.

Have the best weekend with your child at home, and give him/her extra kisses for opening your eyes and making room for newer truer friendships in the future.

You remind me of me several years ago. I hope you wise up quicker than I did.

You don’t ever have to sacrifice your role and/or desires as a mother to pander to other peoples selfish feelings. Whether that’s for a weekend, a lifetime, a day, or even 5 minutes. Heck, you don’t even have to babysit other people’s feelings even if you have no children!

What are you worried will happen if you say no to her?

Would have been daft to suggest it in my friendship group. None of us ever suggests anything longer than a meal.

Ditto.

You don’t want to be that friend, but you are being that friend. A 17 month old can be left with dad for one night.

Newsflash

I said me not you.

It would have been daft for anyone who knew me to think I'd want to do it.

You must all live locally then? My friends live all over the place so we routinely visit each other and have weekends away, with and without children.

You are not unreasonable at all. When your friend has a baby, she will understand. Don't worry, she'll get over it.

She's clearly pretty obtuse if she has to ask such questions. If she wanted you to come she should've phrased it in a more positive way. Not criticizing you and not understanding the responsibility of parenthood.

Something more like 'oh, it would mean so much to me if you could be there. I know it might be tricky with childcare. Have you left Pandora with someone overnight before? Do you think her dad/your mum could take over so you'd be able to make it?'

So I think you shouldn't feel bad about refusing. Her reaction wasn't really reasonable. You say she's 'lonely'? That makes it sounds like she's not much fun to be around? So overall you'd be best off leaving it.

If you do still want the friendship just arrange to meet her for a belated birthday meal when she returns.

Because I didn't want to be away from a young child and none of my friends left theirs at that age.

Also, none of us believed that our birthdays were important enough to expect our friends to give up a whole weekend. Even before any of us had kids, we'd have thought a whole weekend for one person's birthday was bonkers.