Page 11 | Am I Being Unreasonable? Friend Upset I Won't Go Away for Her Birthday

Reasonablemary · 2025-09-12T20:50:48+00:00

I'm married and have a 17-month-old baby. A friend of mine, who is single with no kids and a very lonely person, invited me to her birthday weekend away. I'm one of the few people she has, so I feel terrible for leaving her behind. I don't want to be one of those people who completely neglects their friends after having a kid. I turned her down, and she got really upset. She said, "Can't you spend one single night away from your toddler?" AIBU to not want to go?

WhatNoRaisins · 14/09/2025 19:24

I agree that I don't think this was a financial decision here.

Bunny65 · 14/09/2025 20:14

The OP has said she doesn't want to go away for a whole weekend of socialising because she is exhausted and I think that's perfectly reasonable. She has never mentioned money or "saving up". While some people may love these kinds of occasions others do not enjoy them.

Toptops · 14/09/2025 20:27

Kishori · 12/09/2025 22:55

It’s completely normal for a mum not to want to leave their 17 month old child - she’s not even two years old yet, why would you want to leave her to party at someone else’s birthday?!

If some mums want to go, good for them. But you don’t, so why on earth would any decent human being try to make you feel guilty for putting your own offspring first?

This person pressuring you is not really a friend, she’s a selfish person who doesn’t really care about your heart, and she certainly doesn’t care about your child.

A true friend supports you in making decisions that work for you, with your highest interests, needs and wishes in mind.

Shes being the child in this instance. Foolish woman. Fancy trying to insist that a mum with a toddler should leave him/her behind when she clearly doesn’t want to - for a whole weekend at that!

Shes not asking you because you need the break, she’s selfish and wants to feel special regardless of the cost to others.

Ever wonder why this person doesn’t have many friends?!?

You know, this is the beautiful gift that your little child is giving you - clarity about who you should have in your life and who you can leave behind - and should leave behind if you want to become the best role model ever for your child.

Being a Mum is so cool, you start to see what doesn’t serve you, and likely never did.

Have the best weekend with your child at home, and give him/her extra kisses for opening your eyes and making room for newer truer friendships in the future.

You remind me of me several years ago. I hope you wise up quicker than I did.

You don’t ever have to sacrifice your role and/or desires as a mother to pander to other peoples selfish feelings. Whether that’s for a weekend, a lifetime, a day, or even 5 minutes. Heck, you don’t even have to babysit other people’s feelings even if you have no children!

What are you worried will happen if you say no to her?

You sound like a maga mum

Toptops · 14/09/2025 20:31

I left my kids with their dad at various points early on. He loved it, they enjoyed it.
This is not a competition for greatest mother, the prize being for the mum who stays welded to her little child for longest!
Do what works for you, your child and partner. No sweat.

EvieBB · 14/09/2025 20:35

atamlin · 12/09/2025 21:56

People without kids tend to not understand how hard it is to leave little ones. You’ll get some people saying you should go but I believe you should do that whenever you feel comfortable and you shouldn’t be bullied into it. I’ve got three children and I haven’t been away from my youngest (2 yo) for more than 3 hours (once, to take my eldest to cinema). I just don’t want to and I don’t have to explain myself.

I think it's unnecessarily harsh not to explain....I would want to give an explanation to a friend

janehopper · 14/09/2025 21:14

If you just can't be arsed because you're tired, fine, but own it. Is there any reason your toddler can't be left with her father for one night? Why is it so outlandish for friend to assume that's possible as it seems perfectly reasonable.

Thelandlordsdaughter1 · 14/09/2025 21:32

I'm curious, do people seriously think being at their children's whim 24/7, having no life outside of being a mother, wrapping them in cotton wool, telling them they are the most important person on earth and not trusting their own fathers to care for them for 1 night is doing them any good in the long run?

UserUserUser12 · 14/09/2025 21:51

Thelandlordsdaughter1 · 14/09/2025 21:32

I'm curious, do people seriously think being at their children's whim 24/7, having no life outside of being a mother, wrapping them in cotton wool, telling them they are the most important person on earth and not trusting their own fathers to care for them for 1 night is doing them any good in the long run?

Er… I think there’s just a good few of us that just don’t enjoy going away for a weekend for 100% socialising all the time. When my kids were younger then I was knackered and busy but after that, it’s just not how I want to spend my time. A few hours or a day? Sure.

But the ‘at your children’s whim, 24 hours a day story’ is cool!

Nestingbirds · 15/09/2025 03:15

Thelandlordsdaughter1 · 14/09/2025 21:32

I'm curious, do people seriously think being at their children's whim 24/7, having no life outside of being a mother, wrapping them in cotton wool, telling them they are the most important person on earth and not trusting their own fathers to care for them for 1 night is doing them any good in the long run?

It’s perfectly possible to have a fulfilling social life and be a fully present mother. It’s called parenting, and organising your time well

I love being with my children, young children are absolutely gorgeous. Why wouldn’t you want to enjoy being with them as much as you can!

My children ARE the most important thing to me, I make no secret of it. Maybe think about why it bothers you so much how other people spend their time 🤷‍♀️

ilovepuppies2019 · 17/09/2025 19:57

It’s perfectly fine for you to be clear on what you can offer but I hate the idea that dinner and drinks is ‘enough.’ It’s the same as the poster who said that adults don’t need a weekend away to celebrate. Most people take weekend breaks away. The friend wants to go on a girls weekend and it feels more celebratory to combine it with a birthday. Its perfectly normal to take a friends trip away so I think it’s awful to talk her down for this reason.

it’s unkind to suggest that she should settle and know her place by only having a dinner. This is something she wants to do so good on her for planning it and having a blast. It’s perfectly understandable that you can’t go and I assume her response came from not understanding or disappointment. Just don’t impose what works for you onto her because you’ve decided that she’s desperate or not worthy. She should celebrate her birthday however she wants and accept that you can’t attend this one.

UserUserUser12 · 17/09/2025 20:16

ilovepuppies2019 · 17/09/2025 19:57

It’s perfectly fine for you to be clear on what you can offer but I hate the idea that dinner and drinks is ‘enough.’ It’s the same as the poster who said that adults don’t need a weekend away to celebrate. Most people take weekend breaks away. The friend wants to go on a girls weekend and it feels more celebratory to combine it with a birthday. Its perfectly normal to take a friends trip away so I think it’s awful to talk her down for this reason.

it’s unkind to suggest that she should settle and know her place by only having a dinner. This is something she wants to do so good on her for planning it and having a blast. It’s perfectly understandable that you can’t go and I assume her response came from not understanding or disappointment. Just don’t impose what works for you onto her because you’ve decided that she’s desperate or not worthy. She should celebrate her birthday however she wants and accept that you can’t attend this one.

This is the weirdest thing to me. Say I was your friend and I was caring and attentive and listened, I gave you birthday presents and brought dinner around when you were ill. But I just don’t really like going away for the weekend as I don’t enjoy it - are you saying that because I want to see you in the daytime and evening but not staying away overnight that I’m not a good friend, that’s it’s not enough?