Am I Being Unreasonable? Friend Upset I Won't Go Away for Her Birthday

[Reasonablemary]

I'm married and have a 17-month-old baby. A friend of mine, who is single with no kids and a very lonely person, invited me to her birthday weekend away. I'm one of the few people she has, so I feel terrible for leaving her behind. I don't want to be one of those people who completely neglects their friends after having a kid.

I turned her down, and she got really upset. She said, "Can't you spend one single night away from your toddler?"

AIBU to not want to go?

I wouldn't have had any interest in that either before or after children really.
Perhaps one night away close by, but not a weekend away.
I think it is a lot to ask and you shouldn't feel obliged.
If you wanted to, that would be different.

Must we?

We didn't ever leave our children to go away to celebrate one person's birthday for a whole weekend.

Exactly.

Yes. My friends wouldn’t travel 6 hours to see me for lunch and then go home again.

I don’t know anyone who never leaves their children ever. Sounds extreme.

And if this friend doesn’t have a baby? She’s destined to a life of quick dinners or spa days with one eye on the babysitter clock because she’s clearly not AS important as everyone who does have children? I have a few friends who don’t have partners or children but my having one doesn’t mean those friends are less important to me, nor that they don’t deserve people taking time to celebrate them.

This is why we see so many posts from people whose children have grown and they look round and realise they’ve got no friends left.

I find this post horrendous. The OP has described her friend as “lonely” not some selfish, demanding diva.

OP if you don’t want to be that friend quite simply don’t be. If you think your friend is lonely and needs support give her one night. It’s hardly a big deal to leave a toddler with her own father for one night.

I wouldn’t encourage you to adopt a me & mine approach because it’s quite frankly heartless & ruthless.

My children see me having friends. It’s good for them to see that mummy has friends, that I have my own life outside of them, they also have a relationship with my friends, & I model friendship for them including caring for another person. I hope my children have many friends as relationships & human connection is what life is about.

You don’t have to stay overnight to not completely neglect somebody.

Not extreme at all.

We were friends from 18. It changed when we all had young children. It's changed again now that we're all nearing retirement.

One of my friends moved to the NL. We both booked a holiday at the same holiday park and had a couple of days hanging out together. Neither of us left our children overnight.

Bingo & bang on. 100%

And what’s more men don’t ditch their friends nearly as often women do post baby. Women are way more likely to wrap themselves up in a bubble with a child. But a child is a child for a short time. And children don’t want a parent who has no interests outside of them.

No it's not that the friend who's 'not clearly as important' as people who have children..... she's not as important to parents as their children are...

Why does it always have to involve going away though? It’s not about leaving my children for me, although I was knackered a lot of the time and it was logistically difficult at times too - I just hate overnights and whole weekends. Being an introvert it’s just too much. Why ‘quick’ dinners? What’s wrong with a normal dinner. A spa day is a whole day? Why’s that a problem?

If I’ve got ‘no friends left’ when my children are grown up, just because I didn’t want to go away for the weekend, then we probably weren’t compatible anyway. And that’s ok.

It’s unusual to never spend a night away from your children until they turn 18.

Until what age?

It's not just guilt. It can be logistics. And just being tired. A weekend away when you work full time and have young kids sounds exhausting - rather than fun. An evening out would be great though.

Genuinely, you two sound compatible as friends. I’m fine with meeting up for dinners and day trips. I just get stressed with constant requests to go away for the night and weekends. Can’t you have different friends for different things?

And you can go away for a night & your children will be absolutely fine with their own father. As they would be if the parents were separated, or the mother had to work nights, or if they were is nursery all day.

You're in different life stages now. You are the mom of a young toddler, you're exhausted, and you really don't want to take a weekend away now.

Your friend isn't getting that things do change when someone has a child. Their former priorities aren't as important because there's a big new priority that needs taking care of. Yes, a child comes before a friend. A whole weekend to celebrate her birthday doesn't work for you.

I didn't say they were 18 before I was away from them. They have been away to camp, done sleepovers, school journeys, stayed with grandparents. Not at 17 months.

My friendship group never had a weekend away while our kids were young.
None of us has ever had a birthday weekend.

3

What a shame! Birthday weekends with friends are wonderful.

I went away for 2 nights to have another baby. They managed but DM helped. DH didn’t do much apparently. No, I would not have left him with DD. He could not be trusted with safety.

I would have been the same when DD was under 2. I'd use her as an excuse not to go anywhere. I was so tired all the time. When I had a night off parenting, I just wanted to sleep in my own bed (well spare room). Not to be away, going out and about. Dinner and home by ten was ok, but nothing beyond that. Now she's 16 and I'm going away for a week with my best friend for her significant birthday.

Wow. You do know that having children doesn't somehow elevate you to be some kind of higher being?

Hi Op don’t have to go if you don’t want to. Maybe she thought it would be nice for you and her to have some girls time. Could you go if it was one night? If not just leave her to be upset it’s not nice if you’re not wanting to go. Just a thought but if it was the other way around would you be upset?

Depends how far away it is.

I am struggling to see why a parent can't leave a 17 month old for one night with its other parent.

Would people be shocked at a dad going away overnight and leaving a 17 month old with their mum?