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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I Being Unreasonable? Friend Upset I Won't Go Away for Her Birthday

261 replies

Reasonablemary · 12/09/2025 21:50

I'm married and have a 17-month-old baby. A friend of mine, who is single with no kids and a very lonely person, invited me to her birthday weekend away. I'm one of the few people she has, so I feel terrible for leaving her behind. I don't want to be one of those people who completely neglects their friends after having a kid.

I turned her down, and she got really upset. She said, "Can't you spend one single night away from your toddler?"

AIBU to not want to go?

OP posts:
InWalksBarberalla · 12/09/2025 23:27

I'd do it for my best friend - even if it was an effort because I'd want to be there for her and know that I would enjoy spending the time with her once actually there. When DC was 17 months I was back at work and had to have the occasional overnight work travel anyway so leaving DC with dad wasn't an issue.

Kishori · 12/09/2025 23:29

the7Vabo · 12/09/2025 23:11

I find this post horrendous. The OP has described her friend as “lonely” not some selfish, demanding diva.

OP if you don’t want to be that friend quite simply don’t be. If you think your friend is lonely and needs support give her one night. It’s hardly a big deal to leave a toddler with her own father for one night.

I wouldn’t encourage you to adopt a me & mine approach because it’s quite frankly heartless & ruthless.

My children see me having friends. It’s good for them to see that mummy has friends, that I have my own life outside of them, they also have a relationship with my friends, & I model friendship for them including caring for another person. I hope my children have many friends as relationships & human connection is what life is about.

Show quote history

You know, you’re right, thank you for calling it out. I’m jumping to conclusions because the OP sounds so much like me, and that situation triggered many that I experienced and learnt about the hard way. Plus I’ve literally just been on the receiving end of someone who once used to be deeply important to me, sending me some abuse, as I no longer put myself or my children last. But that’s not an excuse.

I apologise for being presumptuous and letting my distress project into assumptions.

People without children do not understand what it’s like to be a mum. And I found that my innermost friends circle changed for this very reason after I had children.

That being said, I still do encourage the OP to assess whether her friend is a true friend or not. The friends response at being upset and adding further pressure by questioning the mother why she didn’t want to leave her child, feels like there’s no way the OP can win.

Anyway, I’m glad you called me out for making assumptions instead of asking clarifying questions. I’ve never posted on here before, and tonight was a bad time to start!

Dontlletmedownbruce · 12/09/2025 23:30

I see where she is coming from, I would expect a sensible compromise is one night only with a reasonable travel time. If you still said no then if I was her I would be annoyed. Mothers need to be with little babies, but a 17 month old isn't a newborn. The question is why you don't want to go. If you can't manage a night trusting DH with baby then I'd suggest you have control issues. Why do you think youll feel any different if baby was 2 or 3? If leaving the baby is ok but you just don't want to be with her then it's a friendship issue. Motherhood is exhausting no matter what, sometimes a change is as good as a rest as they say and you might feel re energised afterwards. If it's tiredness you are afraid of then I think you'll find it will be better to go.

the7Vabo · 12/09/2025 23:30

TizerorFizz · 12/09/2025 23:23

I went away for 2 nights to have another baby. They managed but DM helped. DH didn’t do much apparently. No, I would not have left him with DD. He could not be trusted with safety.

I would hope this is unusual. Most men would be more than able to mind a 17 month old.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 12/09/2025 23:34

Are you friends with the other person going?

Would you want to go if you didn't have a child?

Does your friend usually expect you to spend entire weekends 'celebrating her? Or is this a one off for a special birthday.

If I didn't know the other person going and didn't want to spend an entire weekend with them then I wouldn't want to go either. It's quite a lot of free / family time to give up just for a birthday, when most people are fine with a meal / party.

If you know and like the other person and its a big birthday or one off / you think you'd have fun then I'd maybe do it.

I think some of the posts on here are a bit mad. I wouldn't have left my toddler at that age, I was still breastfeeding for one thing, and they wouldn't have understood that i was coming back in a few days. Plus they were always ill and clingy from being in nursery only a few months, I was knackered from settling back into work after mat leave, picking up all the nursery bugs etc and felt like I was struggling to manage everything...it was just such an intense time. 12 months later everything was much more settled and I'd have gladly have had a night away.

I don't think not wanting to leave an 18 month old for a whole weekend means you have no life outside of being a parent, you're a bad friend and you'll end up lonely! If you're still like that when your child starts school then the posters saying all this will have a point but not at 18 months

And where are all the 'birthday celebrations are for children' 'be grateful for just a card and present', 'you can't expect people to put themselves out just because you're another year older' people that I was expecting on this thread!?

CheeseWisely · 12/09/2025 23:35

UserUserUser12 · 12/09/2025 23:17

Genuinely, you two sound compatible as friends. I’m fine with meeting up for dinners and day trips. I just get stressed with constant requests to go away for the night and weekends. Can’t you have different friends for different things?

Show quote history

Well yes. I have ‘Mum friends’ with whom meet ups are an hour at the park or maybe a few drinks on a pre-planned night out. But I also have non-Mum friends who want to do a bit more, and why shouldn’t they? If I refuse everything they ask because it’s not totally convenient for me then they won’t remain friends and I’ll just be left with those that I only have a similar age DC in common with. That’s all well and good now, but perhaps not when the DC are 5, or 15, or 25.

EasySqueezy · 12/09/2025 23:36

Wallywobbles · 12/09/2025 22:10

My MIL was always delighted to do the childcare for me which is lucky as exh definitely wouldn’t have done.

I’d have jumped at this but it doesn’t seem many UK mums would which doesn’t surprise me. But I wonder why there is so much guilt associated with leaving small people with people they love and who love them in the UK.

Bit of a generalisation about all uk mums

Endofyear · 12/09/2025 23:37

I think it's actually a very good thing to leave babies with their dad - so many women I know don't leave their children with their husband because they're useless or 'can't cope' - I've been on nights out when friends have had a phone call from their partner saying you'll have to come home because they can't get the children to go to bed/eat dinner/behave. Honestly, it's pathetic! I say start the way you mean to go on and make sure your child is fine being looked after by either parent. It's not unreasonable for your friend to ask you to come away for a weekend - why don't you want to go?

Dontlletmedownbruce · 12/09/2025 23:37

And what’s more men don’t ditch their friends nearly as often women do post baby. Women are way more likely to wrap themselves up in a bubble with a child

So true @the7Vabo then they complain that their partners are out and they are stuck at home with no life. No one is asking a mother to give herself up completely, that's all on her.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 12/09/2025 23:38

Also it's unreasonable of the friend to put pressure on you when you've said no thanks. That's not on

EasySqueezy · 12/09/2025 23:45

All these posters expecting the OP to justify why she doesn’t want to go. Some people just aren’t in to ‘girly’ weekends whether they have kids or not. It’s a choice.

dayslikethese1 · 12/09/2025 23:47

It sounds like you don't want to go anyway. Do you not really enjoy spending time with her? Is she wanting a crazy night out and that's not your thing? Also, you say it's a whole weekend but it's 1 night away...how much time are we talking? Maybe you could just join for a portion of the plan.

MumWifeOther · 12/09/2025 23:47

You are allowed to say no. You are allowed to put yourself and your family before your friend.

CheeseWisely · 12/09/2025 23:57

TizerorFizz · 12/09/2025 23:23

I went away for 2 nights to have another baby. They managed but DM helped. DH didn’t do much apparently. No, I would not have left him with DD. He could not be trusted with safety.

Well that’s as oft-said around here a ‘DH problem’. I can’t fathom that my Husband couldn’t competently look after our 16 month old for as long as necessary without me. He’s been taking care of him solo for stretches of time since I started pumping milk at 4 weeks.

AliceMcK · 12/09/2025 23:59

I hate this mentality that if your life changes or you change you are being a bad friend for moving with the change. Life’s change due to jobs, relationships, moving, having families etc… real friends accept that and real friends wish you luck, not sulk because you now have other priorities in your life.

i would be on the no side of this situation, not because I wouldn’t leave my 17 month old, I started leaving my first from 6 months old when I had to return to work and travel over night, some times several nights. My time at home was precious. I also didn’t prioritise nights out or holidays over paying my bills, childcare and family time. I had 4 friends who I would have done this for if they asked, 3 childless and still are would never have expected me too. They continued their chosen child free life's, nights out, nice restaurants and travelling and are happy I choose more home time with my family.

I can’t stand needy people any one who sulks if I say no to something wouldn’t be my friend for long especially if they made passive aggressive comments about my family. I would never hold it against anyone who said no to doing something with me.

Rayqueen · 13/09/2025 00:00

Can't say I would have a problem leaving a young one this old with hubby or grandparents not like a new born or 1 year old. In fact left all 3 for a special birthday and hubby had a fine weekend and there all under 3

TomBaileysFlyingGoggles · 13/09/2025 00:02

Endofyear · 12/09/2025 23:37

I think it's actually a very good thing to leave babies with their dad - so many women I know don't leave their children with their husband because they're useless or 'can't cope' - I've been on nights out when friends have had a phone call from their partner saying you'll have to come home because they can't get the children to go to bed/eat dinner/behave. Honestly, it's pathetic! I say start the way you mean to go on and make sure your child is fine being looked after by either parent. It's not unreasonable for your friend to ask you to come away for a weekend - why don't you want to go?

My DD's dad did his share, and I was also lucky enough to have two grandmothers who would happily babysit. But sometimes I just didn't have the energy to do things. I didn't drop my friends or become a martyr to my child, I just prioritised my free time differently. My best friend (never in long-term relationship, no kids) never guilt tripped me about refusing an invitation. I think OP is not unreasonable to refuse to go this time, it's unfair of friend to complain.

Phatgurslyms · 13/09/2025 00:02

I can’t imagine asking a friend to choose between our friendship and her baby, which is effectively what she’s doing.

if you don’t want to go just be honest and suck up the consequences.

SheSaidHummingbird · 13/09/2025 00:03

Reasonablemary · 12/09/2025 22:07

Meaning that Im not "following" her. I don't think I chose the right words but I guess you can get the idea

Show quote history

@LaundryGarden She means literally the opposite of what she wrote.

Winchesterway · 13/09/2025 00:04

I only read your replies op. Is there a reason why you can't spend a night away from your 17 month old? Your friend obviously means a lot to you so if you have a partner and your dc has no issues is there a reason why you can't make it work? It's so easy when in the tough toddler years to forget that your child grows up so it's important not to alienate your friends completely in the meantime

SheSaidHummingbird · 13/09/2025 00:06

"who is single with no kids and a very lonely person"

Don't go. This person doesn't need 'friends' who think of her in this way.

TizerorFizz · 13/09/2025 00:06

@CheeseWisely I’ve no doubt your DH has been amazing. I discovered mine wasn’t. However he earned a lot, and that took some effort. Unfortunately his skills didn’t run to dc. Modern men are usually more keen but don’t assume all are. My DD has been saying how poor some dads are among her friends. It’s just how it is. DH didn’t get babies or toddlers and didn’t have a close relationship with his parents. So you think they will break the mould, but they don’t.

Lincolnlemons · 13/09/2025 00:08

Any adult that makes such a big deal of their birthday is being unreasonable AFAIC. If she wants to celebrate with you, why isn’t she up for a nice dinner and instead, insisting you do a weekend away? The older I get, the less patience I have for this sort of thing

stoptheworldiwanna · 13/09/2025 00:10

Reasonablemary · 12/09/2025 21:50

I'm married and have a 17-month-old baby. A friend of mine, who is single with no kids and a very lonely person, invited me to her birthday weekend away. I'm one of the few people she has, so I feel terrible for leaving her behind. I don't want to be one of those people who completely neglects their friends after having a kid.

I turned her down, and she got really upset. She said, "Can't you spend one single night away from your toddler?"

AIBU to not want to go?

If she won't accept just dinner and a show or whatever she's a pushy, over entitled twatbag.

Your toddler is a red herring. It doesn't matter why you don't want to go. You have every right not to want to leave your kid, if that's how you feel, but it really doesn't matter your reasons.

You don't want to go. So that's that.

PollyBell · 13/09/2025 00:12

I spent time away from my toddler but no i would not go on this weekend away,, it is not a work event if you dont want to go on a weekend away you dont want to go on a weekend away, you are not her therapist

The fact she is deliberately trying to guilt trip you means she is not a friend