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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable placing time limits on upcoming night out?

344 replies

Givemeguidance · 12/09/2025 06:50

Husband and I have been very settled for several years as in a cosy home life. Suddenly since having our second child (2 under 2) he's had a resurgence of going out at night. He goes to play darts each week which must finish before pub kick out but he's been coming in several times very late in the early hours. We have a good sex life and I don't think infidelity - more that he gets carried away with the drink. But I am left feeling rubbish and I have expressed how this can't happen again. Now we have this weekend a family party I'll bring the children too but he's already made plans to go out with the cousins and brothers for a night on the town to the nightclubs after. It is his cousins 'special birthday' so it's being sold to me as something he has to do to- I feel his responsibilities are different he has babies the other males in the family don't- am I being unreasonable saying no to this continuation of the night? I know if I had childcare I'd be allowed to join them but it's not possible and the baby is small still feeding - it's the last thing I want to do anyway. I feel on a different page in life.
If it really was a one off I might feel ok but it's been after the repeated disrespect after darts.
Also in general do you think the weekly darts is making him crave a different lifestyle? Could it be the start of a drink problem?
To add context he is a model father otherwise, works hard, always house proud and getting on with tasks I haven't completed, takes us out all weekend.

OP posts:
Belladog1 · 12/09/2025 06:54

I have nothing against going out and having fun, but things should change when kids coming along. Why should you have to sit at home like the dutiful wifey while he goes out like a singleton?

I'm also totally turned off by 'a lad'. Propping up bars until closing time, going clubbing. It's a hard no.

CopperWhite · 12/09/2025 06:57

If he’s still a model father and husband and pulls his weight, why do you see it as disrespectful that he enjoys a night out? You have no real reason to want him not to go, so trying to stop him just because you want to is controlling.

He is allowed a life even after having children.

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 12/09/2025 06:59

You can’t give a grown adult a curfew.

DeathStare · 12/09/2025 07:00

I think you'd be unreasonable to say mo to his cousin's birthday night out as that is in itself a one off.

I don't think you would be unreasonable to have a discussion about boundaries around regular nights out and ensuring that you get as many opportunities to go out as he does.

Having said that, if it's once a week, he's not disturbing anyone coming in and he's still pulling his weight the next day I don't see what the problem is.

Does it mean he has a drink problem or is craving a different lifestyle? Not unless there is other stuff you haven't mentioned. It does sound like you are very anxious though

girljulian · 12/09/2025 07:00

I think if you say he can’t go and he has no specific reason to tell his cousin other than “she doesn’t want me to”, they’ll think you’re controlling. So I do think you’d be unreasonable on this one. The darts is another matter; he needs to keep his promises in future.

SeanMean · 12/09/2025 07:00

You sound controlling.

sausageupanalley · 12/09/2025 07:01

I think this upcoming night out sounds like a proper special occasion where they probably don't see each other often and as they are family he'd probably be reasonably well behaved. I wouldn't be pissed off about that or impose any conditions on that but the more regular nights out sound more problematic so if anything I'd be talking to him about those.

BitOutOfPractice · 12/09/2025 07:02

Why exactly is it “disrespectful” to go out one night a week?

I keep seeing this word used on mn lately to mean “doing something I personally don’t like”.

DeathStare · 12/09/2025 07:03

girljulian · 12/09/2025 07:00

I think if you say he can’t go and he has no specific reason to tell his cousin other than “she doesn’t want me to”, they’ll think you’re controlling. So I do think you’d be unreasonable on this one. The darts is another matter; he needs to keep his promises in future.

If that's what she does, it's not that they will THINK she is controlling; it's that she will be controlling and they will (correctly) know that

mamagogo1 · 12/09/2025 07:03

Is he playing in a darts league? If so of course it’s weekly but perhaps he should come home straight after. A one off night out with cousins is fair enough as long as you get a chance in the future

Greggsit · 12/09/2025 07:06

YABU. Unless there a drip feed coming that he's rolling in drunk, wakes everyone up and pisses into the fridge, he's not doing anything wrong. He's just going out once a week. That's perfectly normal and not disrespectful.

Zanatdy · 12/09/2025 07:06

I personally don’t agree with banning partners from going out, particularly a planned party etc, so yes, I think you’re being unreasonable.

Teachingagain · 12/09/2025 07:06

If he is getting up in the morning without complaining and pulling his weight at home, what is the issue? Or is he not pulling his weight? Do you feel like because you’re bf and can’t go out he shouldn’t be able to go out? I’m not judging, just trying to work out what is going on.

Allelbowsandtoes · 12/09/2025 07:06

You've said that he's a model father otherwise - does housework, takes the kids out all weekend, does stuff that needs doing around the house. So it sounds like he's pulling his weight equally? If this really is the case then I'd say YABU and you shouldn't be stopping him going out.

However, if he's useless on a hangover and can't parent the kids then that's another thing altogether.

spoonbillstretford · 12/09/2025 07:09

YANBU with all the going out as if he didn't have any ties. When do you get to go out?* *What about family life? What about the cost of it all?

I wouldn't put a curfew on a night out but make sure you have free time and get to do what you want to do also. I also would be worried about someone getting absolutely trollied even if it was "just" once a week and he was functioning afterwards. DH and I definitely both had our big nights out after having DDs but we were definitely not getting plastered on a weekly basis.

Rightandwrong · 12/09/2025 07:10

If he isn't coming home when the pub closes and is coming home in the early hours of the morning where is he going to?
Are his brother and cousins also married men with young children and family responsibilities or are they single?
No Iwouldn't be happy him going off clubbing or whatever leaving you looking after 2 very young children.

KookyOpalMember · 12/09/2025 07:11

It's not fair, either two people go or four people go

GreyCarpet · 12/09/2025 07:11

I think you'd be unreasonable to say mo to his cousin's birthday night out as that is in itself a one off.

I don't think you would be unreasonable to have a discussion about boundaries around regular nights out and ensuring that you get as many opportunities to go out as he does.

This.

A 'cosy home life' is nice but not enough to sustain a whole person. It's really important that both parents have the opportunity to socialise with friends and have fun outside of the home. You haven't stopped being a person in your own right just because you've had children.

GreyCarpet · 12/09/2025 07:14

It also depends on what 'the early hours of the morning' means.

Midnight to 1am - I wouldn't have a problem.

3 - 4am - I would.

BendingSpoons · 12/09/2025 07:15

What are the reasons you feel disrespected?

He wakes you/baby up coming home- completely understandable to be annoyed, how can he fix it? Sleep downstairs etc?

He's leaving you as default parent/useless the next day - understandable on a regular basis, but the fix could be about pulling his weight rather than not going out e.g. 'well if you need to sleep all Saturday morning, then you need to get up and out early with the kids Sunday morning giving me time alone' or 'well you need to be fit to take Jimmy to his swimming lesson at 9am and make your choices around that'

You can't go too or you have no interest in going - this is trickier. On one hand he shouldn't have to stop everything because you can't go out, on the other hand understandable you want a bit of support and company whilst staying at home to feed your small child!

I would think about what bothers you and start the conversation from that. Probably focusing on the regular darts rather than the one-off birthday.

MadisonMarieParksValetta · 12/09/2025 07:15

What time is he coming home after the darts? And where is he going if the pub is closed?

Lollypop701 · 12/09/2025 07:16

How old are you both op? Just because if you’re both 20’s compared to 30’s I think it make a difference as if you’re older then had more chance to party before kids.

The weekend family party I wouldn’t be bothered about, it’s been discussed etc.

the nipping to the pub and turning up home pissed at 2am would be an issue as it’s regular (also where’s he going after the pub ?). he’s not stupid, he knows it’s not on.

If you’re breastfeeding he knows you have less autonomy to just go out for hours.. smacks of little woman as home and he thinks he can get away with it… he works hard is a good dad, and deserves time off type of thing - supported by his mates in the pub if course.

you know you need to talk… the family weekend sounds like a catalyst, you don’t. Want him to go to that as he’s taking the piss with the darts, and if he wasn’t doing that actually you’d not have thought twice.you need to agree what’s ok between you both.. and honestly you might want to consider going’s out for dinner with the girls and not come home till 2am 😂

edit to say the above is on the basis that there has been a recent change behaviour re dh going out

RubySquid · 12/09/2025 07:17

Belladog1 · 12/09/2025 06:54

I have nothing against going out and having fun, but things should change when kids coming along. Why should you have to sit at home like the dutiful wifey while he goes out like a singleton?

I'm also totally turned off by 'a lad'. Propping up bars until closing time, going clubbing. It's a hard no.

Why does she have to sit in though. No reason was she can't go out once a week either with her friends. Feeding the baby is jo real excuse. Many people manage to work full time and feed their kids never mind a few hours out

TBH I would be bored senseless sitting in every bloody night with a" cosy" home life. Maybe he is also

stayathomer · 12/09/2025 07:20

but a special birthday is a special birthday, your issue is that he needs to step up and also calm down on other going out, saying that you also need to allow him to enjoy darts, I think a marriage thst has one person gib in g up a hobby will be dead fairly quickly, we all need something, saying that a hobby where he’s absent the day after because of drink is terrible, he can surely cut down on the drink

millymollymoomoo · 12/09/2025 07:22

You should both have outside interests individually
he’s not doing anything wrong
and trying to curfew him is utterly ridiculous and controlling.