Am I being unreasonable placing time limits on upcoming night out?

[Givemeguidance]

Husband and I have been very settled for several years as in a cosy home life. Suddenly since having our second child (2 under 2) he's had a resurgence of going out at night. He goes to play darts each week which must finish before pub kick out but he's been coming in several times very late in the early hours. We have a good sex life and I don't think infidelity - more that he gets carried away with the drink. But I am left feeling rubbish and I have expressed how this can't happen again. Now we have this weekend a family party I'll bring the children too but he's already made plans to go out with the cousins and brothers for a night on the town to the nightclubs after. It is his cousins 'special birthday' so it's being sold to me as something he has to do to- I feel his responsibilities are different he has babies the other males in the family don't- am I being unreasonable saying no to this continuation of the night? I know if I had childcare I'd be allowed to join them but it's not possible and the baby is small still feeding - it's the last thing I want to do anyway. I feel on a different page in life.
If it really was a one off I might feel ok but it's been after the repeated disrespect after darts.
Also in general do you think the weekly darts is making him crave a different lifestyle? Could it be the start of a drink problem?
To add context he is a model father otherwise, works hard, always house proud and getting on with tasks I haven't completed, takes us out all weekend.

This.

Not often this happens but I can’t stop worrying about the OP and coercion hits the nail on the head why this has all made me feel very uneasy.

OP, please speak to friends and family - or someone you trust about this and please don’t listen to those excusing is behaviour in this thread. You are not being unreasonable. Look after yourself and your babies x

So you just don't stay married to them.

Personally I don’t think going out regularly to the pub is the norm and I would o see this as a massive issue . Occasionally going yes but it seems it’s fairly regular .

was very much the norm in the family i grew up in. Dad went out every Tuesday (masons) and every Friday (working mens club) (and we all went out on a Sunday morning pre-lunch too) difference is, my Dad used to come home by 11pm every time, and only ever had 2 or 3 pints.

I don't feel the OP has an issue him going once a week to play darts.. its what goes on AFTER the darts match that keeps him out til 3am that she has a problem with.

It’s very much the norm in my circle of friends.
We make a huge effort to support our local pubs.

I’m all about living life and having some escapism from a hard week, but there is a time and a place. You have two under two, and weekly 3am nights out just aren’t on. This is a hard time, it needs to be teamwork and all hands on deck. A good balance at this stage in life would be him going to his hobby still, and having a drunken blowout every few months.

And the local drug dealer?
Did you read the OP's updates?

I wasn't replying to the OP. I was responding to a specific poster who said that going out to the pub regularly wasn't a normal thing to do. So cool your jets before coming at me!

I have seen the OPs updates and made it clear that I don't think his behaviour is acceptable. However I stand by my point that going to the pub in itself isn't problematic. His behaviour is the issue here and most of us manage a weekly trip to the pub without behaving the way he does.

Unfortunately I don’t have time to sit and read all the comments, but this is not ok. He needs to grow up or I’d be getting rid.

If you select See all on the OP's first post it will just bring up only her posts.

I just thought I would update you in case anyone has a similar experience and is struggling to interpret the situation they find themselves in. It was substance abuse and he opened up about it. He's stopped the hobby where this was mostly occurring and is trying to go back to the things that used to make him happy. It has been far from easy but I'm feeling much better, more supported with the baby and like we have a connection again. I haven't probed too much why this dependency came about as I'm just so incredibly grateful for the change back to the old him.

Take care of yourself and your children, OP. I hope he gets help.

Good for you, hope things turn around xx

Hope he can manage to stay away from the drugs. Well done to you for speaking to him about it and having firm boundaries. Good luck.

I personally think you have every right to probe given the way he was treating you - and I'm still concerned about some of the things you posted earlier on in the thread - such as coming home and demanding rough sex - it's really not good enough. Huge red flag in my view

YANBU. It’s very disrespectful to you as presumably he can’t pull his parenting weight after he’s been out like that. One night outa week playing darts is fine - as long as you have an evening when you get to do your thing. Or if you don’t fancy nights out then you get an afternoon to yourself. There has to be parity.

First post nails it.

Just read your updates. You have a massive problem. Sounds like he is barely hanging on to his family life while he parties as hard as he can get away with and the fact that sex was different is odd - learned something new from someone else? Coked up?

Couples counselling. Right now. And if you realise he's already cheated on you, ditch him of course.

Don’t try to navigate this alone OP. Strongly recommend couples counselling. And he probably needs to consider 1:1 counselling.

it’s a strange reaction to having kids. Going out all night and getting coked up!!!