Am I being unreasonable placing time limits on upcoming night out?

[Givemeguidance]

Husband and I have been very settled for several years as in a cosy home life. Suddenly since having our second child (2 under 2) he's had a resurgence of going out at night. He goes to play darts each week which must finish before pub kick out but he's been coming in several times very late in the early hours. We have a good sex life and I don't think infidelity - more that he gets carried away with the drink. But I am left feeling rubbish and I have expressed how this can't happen again. Now we have this weekend a family party I'll bring the children too but he's already made plans to go out with the cousins and brothers for a night on the town to the nightclubs after. It is his cousins 'special birthday' so it's being sold to me as something he has to do to- I feel his responsibilities are different he has babies the other males in the family don't- am I being unreasonable saying no to this continuation of the night? I know if I had childcare I'd be allowed to join them but it's not possible and the baby is small still feeding - it's the last thing I want to do anyway. I feel on a different page in life.
If it really was a one off I might feel ok but it's been after the repeated disrespect after darts.
Also in general do you think the weekly darts is making him crave a different lifestyle? Could it be the start of a drink problem?
To add context he is a model father otherwise, works hard, always house proud and getting on with tasks I haven't completed, takes us out all weekend.

A recent change in behaviour and staying out till 3am - you still haven't said where he goes till then - plus the moodiness is pretty suspicious. Not sure why you don't suspect infidelity. I'd also assume he's likely doing drugs with his clubbing mates who use them, seems unlikely that he doesn't if he drinks a lot and clubs with them. The cousin's outing is a red herring and time limits would be an ineffective sticking plaster. I'd be more motivated to find out what's really going on here - where he goes till 3am, who he's with, what he's doing. Even if it's just a drinking problem, there's something going on that needs addressing.

He's not a kid, you can't give him a curfew or tell him when he can and can't go out. All you can do is decide if this is working for you, if its fair, if he's really contributing to your happiness.

Being fed up being left on your own as the only 'parent' isn't controlling

(sick to the back teeth of that word)

Hmm, I think this is tricky for me to answer objectively as my exDP used any old excuse to get pissed and left me alone for days at a time with the baby. I used to joke that he loved a funeral sandwich because he’d go to any wake even tangentially associated with him.

However, if your DH is a present dad most of the time, works hard and pulls his weight in the relationship and family more broadly, it wouldn’t necessarily bother me. Do you get to socialise when you want to, too?

Caveat that by saying, everyone I’ve dated since exDP has been tea-total.

Where is he going until 3am?
And it’s this late every week?

Having a long night to celebrate a family birthday is no big deal at all. But coming home in the early hours habitually worse for wear is the start of a drinking problem.

I'd say, no problem to the cousin's birthday but sit down and discuss his priorities with DC and his own health and what he wants from life. Maybe you all need to have a bit more adventure, together as a family. Maybe you need to take turns with a trusted friend, babysitting, so you can have nights out together more often. And you could find something to do once a week and not hurry home, so he understands how it feels to be left alone all night lone as the dutiful parent while your partner is having fun.

Some pubs stay open late. My local stays open when the pool team play at home.
Pubs are on their arse financially so if there are people buying drinks they’ll stay open.

The pub? Some stay open late - a fact many people seem to be ignoring in the hope they can catch him having an affair 🙄

It’s one night a week … she states in her first post that he is an active, involved dad.
People are allowed a night off.

The darts once a week is ok in itself but not coming back until the early hours and then grumpy the next day? Absolutely not. He’s got two very young g children ffs. Where on earth does he go until that time?
Again, the cousin’s night out is fine if it’s a one off, or at least not a regular occurrence but I’d be making it perfectly clear that you’ll be absolutely pissed off if he’s incapable of parenting the next day and he’s grumpy.
I’m all for having your own hobbies and time out but he’s not young, free and single and he has responsibilities that he can’t just pick and choose when to honour.

The pub??🤷🏼‍♀️

I do find it unfair that he’s taken up a weekly night out to get drunk when you’ve got a baby and a toddler. You can’t do that, you wouldn’t do it and I would worry that he’s having to get drunk just because he’s playing darts. Why can’t he go and just have one or two drinks and come home as soon as it finishes?

I don’t think that the hill to die on his his family night out. I think I’d probably use your annoyance that he’s off out again to ask that he lays off the heavy nights out in the week until the kids are a bit older.

I always hear on mumsnet that women shouldn’t tell me he can’t have his hobbies, or she’s controlling if she wants him to stop going spending weekends down the pub with his mates. And I’ve got friends in real life who just have such seperate lives from their DP/DH and I don’t get it. Once you’re married and/or you have kids you need to grow up and be there for your kids because it’s never the women who are still out a few nights a week. Feels like it’d just mums having to be the default parent again

I think one night a week for darts (or something) is a good thing, you should both have that.

I think one big night out in a while, is also a good thing.

I don’t know where you live but pubs around here don’t stay open that late! My son is part of a dart’s team and none of the pubs that he plays in stay open that late. He has to get the bus back from the next town over from us and he’s always in by midnight.

If it really is once a week, then YABU. And you also need to have one night 'off' too.

You do sound a bit OTT OP but I was going to ask all these questions.

Where does he go after pub closing?

In your shoes I would be asking a totally different set of questions. The fact that it's so regular, it does sound like he is using sex workers or has an OW OM or something driving this regular behaviour that he apparently won't deviate from in his life.

It's not the fact he's doing it. I would want to know the who, what, how of it all.

Are the people he's allegedly with, steady people or the sort to stay up drinking and smoking weed? How likely is his story? Does he smell when he comes in? Does he have a second phone and two dozen other questions in that vein.

I would be in full on secret squirrel mode by this time.

It's not unreasonable for him to go out and have hobbies and friends. If however he's making plans on the assumption that you'll pick up childcare and the house, you're not being unreasonable. If he's starting to get drunk to the point that not only are you picking up childcare and the house when he's out but also the next day while he's recovering, you're not being unreasonable. If he's doing all this while you never get the opportunity to pick up anything for yourself, you're not being unreasonable.

It is, in fact, the same gendered expectations and lifestyles of parents and couples that foster resentment in women and lead to extreme dissatisfaction.

Believe it or not, a lot of us live where pubs don't stay open until 3 am. None of the ones round here do.

It’s reasonable for him to have his own hobbies and interests, but unreasonable for these to come at the expense of your feelings. I’d therefore suggest to him that you’re happy for him to play a couple of games of darts once a week, but not happy when this turns into a massive session into the early hours. As other posters have said, it feels unfair to ask him to miss out on a big family birthday, but given what you’ve said about it being a repeated issue with the darts, I think that’s the battle you should pick!

Also having lived in a village with the same set of locals at the pub and seen every Friday and Saturday without fail the pub closing time coming and then everyone going back to someone’s house to continue drinking, I don’t think that cheating is the only explanation

Totally agree. Ppl have to have some down time.

Till 3 am?

I agree that everyone needs down time, but 3 am every week is taking the piss.

What do you mean by “let him go out”?
😆😆

God some of the theories on here! The bloke goes out once a week to play darts and have a few drinks, wouldn't bother me at all. Nice to chill on your own for the evening once the kids are in bed. The only thing that would bother me is his uselessness the next day, he needs to be up and about and helpful ... does he not work?

I'm late 50s and me and DH have always gone out with separate friends regularly. Even when our twins were young, it's been very important to us. And now they've flown the nest I'm very grateful I've still got a fab group of mates to meet up with.

'cosy home life' is all well and good but most of us need something else as well.

Also, what's the problem with him going out after this birthday event ... doesn't sound like he does that very often.