Am I being unreasonable placing time limits on upcoming night out?

[Givemeguidance]

Husband and I have been very settled for several years as in a cosy home life. Suddenly since having our second child (2 under 2) he's had a resurgence of going out at night. He goes to play darts each week which must finish before pub kick out but he's been coming in several times very late in the early hours. We have a good sex life and I don't think infidelity - more that he gets carried away with the drink. But I am left feeling rubbish and I have expressed how this can't happen again. Now we have this weekend a family party I'll bring the children too but he's already made plans to go out with the cousins and brothers for a night on the town to the nightclubs after. It is his cousins 'special birthday' so it's being sold to me as something he has to do to- I feel his responsibilities are different he has babies the other males in the family don't- am I being unreasonable saying no to this continuation of the night? I know if I had childcare I'd be allowed to join them but it's not possible and the baby is small still feeding - it's the last thing I want to do anyway. I feel on a different page in life.
If it really was a one off I might feel ok but it's been after the repeated disrespect after darts.
Also in general do you think the weekly darts is making him crave a different lifestyle? Could it be the start of a drink problem?
To add context he is a model father otherwise, works hard, always house proud and getting on with tasks I haven't completed, takes us out all weekend.

I’ve just asked my husband if he had an opinion on this one.
He wondered why suddenly the new hobby and with a family waiting at home. Why is there’s no reason to return home the moment the pub kicks out.

If he’s at working and you’re home all day, why don’t you both want quality time together, finding a regular babysitter, to go to the darts match together? Go dancing together (something my husband and I did when the kids were small, and hubby is a lousy dancer).

The cousins party is a different issue. This weekly ‘night out’ may need a gentle sit down and discussion about getting a little out of hand. New friends of his leading him astray or, more importantly there is a mental health issue happening here, depression or mid life crisis of suddenly having to ‘grow up and live with responsibilities’.
This is my husband’s thoughts as an ex military and watching his friends struggle with a change in lifestyle.

I think you're getting a lot of harsh replies here OP. You have 2 very young children at home. Your partner should not be going out getting very drunk into the small hours every week and leaving you to put 2 under 2 to bed and being fit for nothing the next day. When my two were small my husband and I would have went out now and again for family birthdays etc but nothing excessive. Now our kids are 5 & 9 we have a bit more freedom and we like to go out with friends but even then it's every few wks and not to the extent that we can't parent the next day. It's not controlling when you both have equal responsibility to look after your children. A few hours once a week playing darts after the kids are in bed and a few pints sounds fine when the kids are so small but it sounds like it's a lot more than this. YANBU

One night out a week isn’t behaving like a single man 🙄
Not everyone wants to stop having nights out when they have kids, and nor should they as long as it’s within reason.

I’m 43 and DH is 54 and we still have regular nights out (together and with friends)DS is 10 now but we still did it when he was a baby.

On here when a man ban a woman from something it is called controlling when a woman bans it is all good?

It’s important for couples to spend time with their individual friends without their partner.

I wouldn’t dream of telling DH that I’m now coming to his pool night, that’s his night with his friends.

Why ‘gobsmacked’? What age should people stop going out?

Plus There’s absolutely no basis for you saying he’s not playing darts and he’s doing drugs. Chill your boots!

I don’t have young kids, but if my partner started coming home drunk at 3am every week, I’d be annoyed because it’s disruptive. The real issue is the impact, not the fact they’re going out. Setting a curfew for a completely unrelated event isn’t the answer though - it risks seeming controlling and just creating more conflict.

I think you need to discuss a compromise about the darts night i.e. he comes home at a reasonable time not 3am and maybe that you get a night / some time off each week to do something you like.

Agree with those saying you need to separate the two things.

The cousins birthday I’d personally be fine with, one off, special occasion, let him have his night and then plan your own night for yourself. You don’t have to suddenly be chained to the house after bedtime when you have children, just take it in turns.

The darts, again, one night a week for a hobby wouldn’t bother me- my husband & I both have hobbies that take up one night a week, and if he’s missing bedtime anyway it doesn’t really matter whether that’s by 2 hours or by 5 hours. But the drinking if it is to excess (or drugs) every week would bother me with two young children, and strolling in at 3am, so there’s a chat to be had there.

It depends, how does he act the day after hes got carried away? If he is up early as usual then I don't think it matters what he does between 11 and 2am. If he is useless for half of the next day then that's different.

Also does he do this every week? We always end up working or doing jobs in the evenings in the week, but weekend evening are for relaxing...I'd be a bit miffed if my husband was out every Friday night say as we only really get two proper evenings a week together and that's one of them.

I would be fine with the night out for cousin’s birthday but ask him to come home earlier after darts while you have such young kids so that he is available to help overnight and not hungover the next morning

I also find it weird that this is a new thing not a continuination of an existing thing...who thinks that it's a great time to start a hobby when they have a new baby? Where does he say he is between pub closing ans when he gets in?

My DH joined a pool team when DS was a baby. He was invited by one of the Dads we met through baby groups.

I don’t think that’s necessarily an issue.

am I being unreasonable saying no to this continuation of the night

He isn't one of your small children.

Also I have been told that some of them use recreational drugs. My fear is what if he did and lied about it...

You don't trust him and you think the answer is to keep him where you can see him, but it isn't. You need to repair the trust.

But the drinking if it is to excess (or drugs) every week would bother me with two young children, and strolling in at 3am, so there’s a chat to be had there.

I think a lot of "cool" posters have missed that the husband isn't coming straight home after a few games of darts. Coming in at 3 o'clock would indicate to me that he has other "hobbies" not compatible with being a responsible father.

DH used to be a member of the darts team at our local. I had no issue with that, but if he had suddenly started to come home in the early hours after every darts game I would wonder what else he was up to.

You can still go out after having children...

In light of your second post, I'd suggest that you don't try to stop the cousin's birthday night out but instead have a conversation about the impact of the weekly darts match.

I think the weekly darts in itself is fine and personally I think it would be controlling to try to stop that. But not communicating about when he will be home isn't OK and not being fit to pull his weight or being moody the next day also isn't ok.

I'd also add that thar conversation should also mean agreeing a weekly night out for you where he puts the kids to bed. You might not think you need it but take it anyway - take up a hobby, meet friends, go to the cinema, anything - but get a break.

I think the recreational drugs is a red herring. He's a grown adult not an impressionable teenager. Recreational drugs are readily available if people want them and either he's going to take them or he isn't.

I also wonder what your anxiety levels generally are like as you've gone straight to catastrophising (drink problem, drugs, doesn't want this life) over something that doesn't seem to warrant it. Is this something where you might benefit from some support?

And come home at 3 o'clock, long after the pubs have closed? What do you think he will be doing at those hours?

No, people are projecting their own insecurities and views of how adults should behave on this situation.

His hobby is darts and drinking - some pubs do stay open until late and some people like to stay out drinking. It doesn’t necessarily mean he’s taking drugs or is having an affair. He’s probably just getting drunk and chatting shit with friends.

How are you supposed to act in your early forties? Slippers and a pipe in front of the fire. Those days have gone.

Maybe you need to have a good chat with him as it seems out of character for him to suddenly be very in to going out and staying out.

It's really about your boundaries op it's less about what others feel is OK in their relationships. Neither me or my husband really drink or do big nights out at all so for me this behaviour when I had small babies would be absolutely unacceptable. For me it's all hands on deck and survival times as a family. A one off is fine but this seems to be escalating.

I'd be inclined to chat to him say it's up to him what he does but the consequences of him continuing is creating distance and resentment in the relationship. You're concerned for him and its selfish the way he is behaving unless there is change. Who wants to worry their partner that they are potentially taking drugs and no idea when they are coming home when they are also taking on full responsibility for small babies. He isn't a teenager. He needs to take you all in to consideration.

FFS, why do those of us who would be ok with the weekly darts night and the odd big night out have to be labelled 'cool' posters. I see it on here all the time and it's really fucking annoying.

We don't all have to agree with the OP (and others) 🙄

am I being unreasonable saying no to this continuation of the night?

how are you going to physically stop it? If you say you don’t want him to and he goes anyway what then? Are you going to leave him? Because otherwise he’ll do it and you’ll just have to suck it up.

I just can't understand how the man that liked early starts hiking and nights in has so quickly flipped the other way. I'm sure he was into the lads nights when he was younger but we are in our early 40s now.

Midlife crisis, innit.

The going out part shouldn't be a big issue but coming home so late regularly would be for me. I would be concerned that he was raking drugs with these friends after the pub especially since you say he is so grumpy the next day. It's that suspicious gap between pub closing time and coming home.

I agree. I still think too many posters are missing the point here. A weekly darts night - fine. Coming home at 3 am every week - not fine.