Am I being unreasonable placing time limits on upcoming night out?

[Givemeguidance]

Husband and I have been very settled for several years as in a cosy home life. Suddenly since having our second child (2 under 2) he's had a resurgence of going out at night. He goes to play darts each week which must finish before pub kick out but he's been coming in several times very late in the early hours. We have a good sex life and I don't think infidelity - more that he gets carried away with the drink. But I am left feeling rubbish and I have expressed how this can't happen again. Now we have this weekend a family party I'll bring the children too but he's already made plans to go out with the cousins and brothers for a night on the town to the nightclubs after. It is his cousins 'special birthday' so it's being sold to me as something he has to do to- I feel his responsibilities are different he has babies the other males in the family don't- am I being unreasonable saying no to this continuation of the night? I know if I had childcare I'd be allowed to join them but it's not possible and the baby is small still feeding - it's the last thing I want to do anyway. I feel on a different page in life.
If it really was a one off I might feel ok but it's been after the repeated disrespect after darts.
Also in general do you think the weekly darts is making him crave a different lifestyle? Could it be the start of a drink problem?
To add context he is a model father otherwise, works hard, always house proud and getting on with tasks I haven't completed, takes us out all weekend.

Bloody hell, Evil Kneivel would be proud of those leaps.

Yeah, this is a recipes for a marriage simmering with resentment and unhappiness.

There's absolutely no way I could ever have imposed a curfew on DH and frankly I wouldn't have respected him if I could. And I would have been livid if he tried it on me.

Coming in late after darts is nothing as presumably you're all asleep anyway? So coming home at 11.30 or 1.30am makes no odds. So long as he's holding his own the next day? Which you say he is.

The birthday clubbing with his cousin sounds like a nice thing to do on a special occasion to me? I assume you get some time to yourself doing what you fancy? And if you don't crave some Me Time because all you want is this Cosy Thing then that's your choice. Doesn't mean it's right for your DH.

Be very careful that you don't win the battle over this but end up losing the war.

Going out one night a week is not prioritising the pub over your family.
Going to the pub once a week is not ‘acting like a single bloke dickhead in his twenties’
Going to the pub once a week is not a mid-life crisis.

I suspect you do… but spoiler alert, it doesn’t make you a morally superior person. You just want to live a different lifestyle and that’s okay.

Weird the way you left out the bit about being moody and crap the next day after his 3ams, isn't it? The sort of thing you can indulge yourself with when you've no responsibilities but that does, actually, make you a dickhead when you've 2 under 2 and a partner who's tired from doing all the night feeds. That's showing he doesn't give a fuck on those days, thinks it's fine for his already tired partner to pick up his share and his loved ones to have to tolerate a day of moodiness, because of what he's chosen to prioritise.

Though I don't know that I'd necessarily describe it as a mid life crisis either. He could simply be a selfish twat.

Ppl are different. Some.ppl.suit long term relationships, others dont. I know a couple who've been together 70 years and have a wonderful relationship.. I knkw others who after 10 years had totally drifted apart..

I've said multiple times that the moodiness and the being crap the day after needs addressing.

But I stand by my views that one night out a week (even a late night) isn't inherently bad.

No you’re right. It doesn’t make me a morally superior person. It makes me someone who isn’t a mug and a doormat tolerating the behaviour of someone that’s choosing to continue drinking until 3am, rather than supporting his wife who is juggling two very young children during the evening/night.
We’re all different though!

As long as you get time to do similar/go to a spa/abseiling/whatever you like to do I don’t see the issue.

But you were replying to a post that didn't say going to the pub specifically was the problem, yet you replied as though it had. You don't get to exclude the most objectionable points to disagree with someone when that's not what they did.

Often I find that the stay-at-home partner does have the time/opportunity to do those things but doesn't want to, yet resents their partner for wanting to do those things.

I disagreed with the post. I don’t think there is any evidence that the OPs partner is prioritising going to the over his family. Or that he’s behaving like a single dick head in his twenties or having a mid life crisis.

He’s going out one night a week, and while there clearly needs to be a conversation about the impact of his hangover but it doesn’t sound like that’s happened yet? If he doesn’t respond well to a grown up conversation then my opinion of him might change, but as it stands it reads like he’s being a little thoughtless and might just need a nudge and a conversation with his wife.

You are, of course, free to completely disagree with me.

But darts teams play weekly. A player that rocks up only every few weeks isn't much good

Not minding your partner having social life doesn’t make you a mug.
Just like Staying out until 3am doesn’t necessarily make you a bad person.

In most cases a grown up conversation is all that’s needed.

Wow I'm still prone to having late nights out and I'm in my 50s with grandchildren

The nights out must be equal. When are you getting out to let your hair down?

You must ensure you go out and stay out as late as he does. If he doesn't mind then, all good. If he starts moaning, time for a chat.

What are you on about? 🤣

People aren’t “mugs” just because they’re happy for their partners to have a regular social life 🙄

Well I agree with you that a grown up conversation needs to happen.

That’s my experience too - mums don’t seem to want to go out but then moan because their partner doesn’t want to stay home with them.

The thing is though with very young children and bedtime routines it’s not possible for both people to constantly be going out.

Assuming the DP works full time he is likely out the house all week and just has evenings at home and weekends. On work nights around young children it can be very hard to get quality time. If then on the Friday night DP stays out till 3am and gets up grumpy at 11am Saturday were is the quality time? So then OP says I will go out Saturday night till 3am and get up 11am Sunday and be grumpy. How does this solve it?
It’s not really a relationship then is it. It’s 2 people leading separate social lives, co-parenting mostly separately and having sex sometimes… This is why is rarely works when people say well I will just start going out tit for tat. Personally OP I would do it once just to see how he reacts as I imagine he would not be pleased at all.

Going out once a week to play a hobby- fine. Coming home at 3am every week is not.

going out as a one off to celebrate a relatives wedding- fine.

There is. He's literally prioritising going out over being fit to do what needs to be done and not be nasty or useless the next day. There are some things that might be a matter of opinion in this scenario, but that isn't one of them. He wouldn't be like this if he weren't going out, since we know he's fine the rest of the time, and he's making the decision that the going out comes first despite it making at least one person around him suffer the next day.

It might, depending on specifics, be possible to construct a very different going out scenario where he wasn't doing those things, but this is not it.

I know it's possible. I do not think it's as normal as we are led to believe on the whole. I think it's more common that people grow apart. It's rare that people will grow together in such a similar direction that they remain happy in a romantic partnership.

I'm not saying it's not possible.

But OP is asking how can this man have such different interests now. Well that's why, and I think people need to be allowed to grow apart without it feeling like a failure. It's not a failure. You just need to rejig things sometimes.

Maybe for some this could be true but for some if they are the default parent they are usually too knackered to go out. Their life has usually changed beyond recognition. Alcohol and a hangover is the last thing they want if they are utterly exhausted and sleep deprived. The idea of going out or hobbies can be such a gear change the extra energy and stress that can cause just doesn't seem worth it. Far easier for men to continue this once a baby has arrived less has changed for them.

Interesting! Other than mat leave neither of us have been at home long term. If one person doesn't want to do things that shouldn’t stop the other one doing them (within reason).