Am I being unreasonable placing time limits on upcoming night out?

[Givemeguidance]

Husband and I have been very settled for several years as in a cosy home life. Suddenly since having our second child (2 under 2) he's had a resurgence of going out at night. He goes to play darts each week which must finish before pub kick out but he's been coming in several times very late in the early hours. We have a good sex life and I don't think infidelity - more that he gets carried away with the drink. But I am left feeling rubbish and I have expressed how this can't happen again. Now we have this weekend a family party I'll bring the children too but he's already made plans to go out with the cousins and brothers for a night on the town to the nightclubs after. It is his cousins 'special birthday' so it's being sold to me as something he has to do to- I feel his responsibilities are different he has babies the other males in the family don't- am I being unreasonable saying no to this continuation of the night? I know if I had childcare I'd be allowed to join them but it's not possible and the baby is small still feeding - it's the last thing I want to do anyway. I feel on a different page in life.
If it really was a one off I might feel ok but it's been after the repeated disrespect after darts.
Also in general do you think the weekly darts is making him crave a different lifestyle? Could it be the start of a drink problem?
To add context he is a model father otherwise, works hard, always house proud and getting on with tasks I haven't completed, takes us out all weekend.

This is very helpful thank you. I do doubt my judgment and what's reasonable.

I will separate the two things - the night on the town for the cousins and the regular darts night.

I don't want to be controlling. I felt an evening to pub closure hobby was ok....
But I also don't want to not speak out and problems grow.

The disrespect phrase was because the times coming home have been 3am without communication. When I've been doing the bedtimes and still waking up all through to attend to the baby. After those occasions he hasn't pulled his weight at home the next day and has been moody. But all the other days of the week he has been equal.

I don't have an equal social life but I do occasionally see friends for a couple of hours.

Also I have been told that some of them use recreational drugs. My fear is what if he did and lied about it...

I just can't understand how the man that liked early starts hiking and nights in has so quickly flipped the other way. I'm sure he was into the lads nights when he was younger but we are in our early 40s now.

Maybe just once a week, he’d like to do something other than sit in having a ‘cosy night’?
If he’s otherwise as great as you say he is, why on earth shouldn’t he have some time to do an activity he enjoys? So long as you get the same opportunity of course.

To be thinking immediately that it’s the start of alcohol dependence is ridiculous unless there is WAY more to it and frankly you are coming across as controlling to me.

Edit- cross posted. That was one hell of a drip feed!!!
sounds like your problems run way deeper than a weekly night out!

I agree with previous posters. The cousins party sounds like a one off and a special occasion so I wouldn't be stopping him from going to this.

Same with darts. If he is going once a week then I don't see the issue with that, and surely you could also choose to go out one night a week if you wanted to. I would however question where he is going if he is staying out into the early hours when nowhere is open. But as others have said if he is pulling his weight at home with childcare, housework and holding down a job too then I think you will be seen as nagging him for no reason.

lol. I love clubbing and go a couple of times a month. The kids are in bed and my husband enjoys a bit of chill time with a film and a beer. Thank god he’s not turned off by my social life

I think you are being unreasonable. There is nothing wrong with still wanting ‘big’ nights out. Me and DH have never stopped doing this - together and separately.

You need to have a discussion about you getting some time to yourself but giving an adult a curfew just because you think he shouldn’t stay out late is controlling.

A weekly darts night, I wouldn't object too. However, if he's coming home well after closing time, then I'd want to know why and where he's going afterwards?! Is the pub having a 'lock-in' after hours? Is he going to another member of the team's house? Is he going to a club afterwards? Is he coming home drunk every week, as well as coming home in the early hours? There's nothing wrong in going out, and being you, rather than Mum or Dad. Coming home every week in the early hours, drunk, would be my objection. Him going out to play darts until the pub closed, no issue. As for the night out with his cousin's, I'm guessing this is a 'one-off'? He's not going out with his cousin's every week. It's a 'big birthday' for one of them. I wouldn't worry too much about this.

I'm a bit undecided here, a game of darts and a few pints once every 3 or 4 weeks would be fair do's. A lads night out as a one off yes ok, but he needs to know that if he comes home slammed you will be utterly pissed off - and I mean really pissed off -with him. I think the repeat darts and home early hours is completely unreasonable to you and the children. He is the dad, he is responsible for these little ones. To me this needs nipping in the bud as it won't improve.

I quite like DP being in the darts league as I get an evening to myself every week! But we don’t have small DC who need dealing with in the evening and he doesn’t take the piss - he doesn’t drink excessively and is usually back at closing time - if it’s after midnight I know there’s been some sort of big night like finals night. Some of the other guys there do drink a lot. He says 6-7 pints is standard for many so I can see how someone might get drawn into that. It’s never later than about 12 though.

Out till 3am once a week - fine. Being a moody arsehole and generally useless the following day - not fine. That's the real issue. And you need to carve out a bit more time for you - where's your evening a week out??

As others have said, I don't think one night out a week is the end of the world. It might even help him be more present and relaxed with you and the kids the rest of the time. I assume you'll be going to bed before he gets in whether he gets home at 11.30 after pubs close or 3am? (I appreciate that's a big assumption with two young kids). It depends whether you'd be able to do the same if you wanted, of course. If not, that's a problem. Likewise, it is a problem that he's useless the next day. Knocking out one day of support and company ever week for a hangover would be a reasonable thing to question. Again, unless you can take the next day to have some down time and are happy with that arrangement.

I'm probably nit picking but you said 'allowed' to go with him if you had childcare. You mean 'invited', right? It's not a permission, thing, hopefully!

I think him going out once a week is fine
Sounds like he is not enjoying’a cosy life’ as much as you are

Maybe he never liked nights in and early hikes and just did them for you. Honestly, your description of a cosy home life makes me feel a bit claustrophobic.

"Settled in a cosy home life" sounds excruciatingly dull to me. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy a cosy night in, but if my entire life was like that I'd wonder where I was going wrong. Both DP and I still have big nights out - pubs, clubs, parties - both with each other and separately, and I still enjoy them as much as I did in my 20s. Don't plan on stopping any time soon.

Post-darts drinks and a big birthday on the town sound utterly normal social activities (quite tame to me) and you would be controlling to ringfence them in any way. And no partner should be imposing curfews on the other.

However - it sounds like communication is also an issue. I don't think he needs to give you an exact ETA of getting home but if he's planning to go for drinks after darts then yes, he should tell you that.

I just can't understand how the man that liked early starts hiking and nights in has so quickly flipped the other way. I'm sure he was into the lads nights when he was younger but we are in our early 40s now.

People can like both. I’m in my 40’s and DH is in his 50’s. This weekend we’ve got really early starts for sports but this time last week we were both hungover having got in at 2am from a night out,

I'd be asking where he is between closing time and the early hours - that is important. Also, arrange for a night out to the cinema or wherever with a friend and just tell him he is babysitting that night. Perhaps not on his darts night but he needs to be made aware of your needs too. He is escaping by still trying to be one of the lads. I know a bloke of 67 who still does it. He is perfectly OK but needs his mates to breathe!

I don’t think you can assume because you have a good sex lode that he isn’t having an affair. Speaking from personal experience the period after the birth of children is prime time for men to stray and some men are extremely good at compartmentalising. What you have described with him being sometimes quiet and withdrawn the next day if he’s got in at 3am sounds like it could be guilt/remorse which is short lived.

If he’s genuinely just playing darts where on earth is he between 11pm and 3am if not in bed with someone else? Does he even have the money to be out clubbing? Are his darts friends the clubbing types? How is he getting home?

Do you have shared finances? Can you see where he’s spending his money on these nights out or where Uber is picking him up from? Could you get a friend to watch the kids for a short period on one of these darts nights and drop into the pub without warning and see if he’s there? Something smells odd here and you should trust your gut and get to the bottom of it as even if you can forgive and get past this, the longer it continues the greater the risk to your marriage.

“Also I have been told that some of them use recreational drugs. My fear is what if he did and lied about it...”

That’s just silly, as though you’re looking for any excuse for him not to go. You don’t know this to be true. And even if it was, you either trust his good judgment or you don’t.

You enjoy your ‘cosy’ home life but he’s allowed to feel differently. Make your own plans and have your own social life if you like, no need to curtail his.

Gobsmacked at your ages. I thoughts early 20s!

No, it’s not ok to go out until the early hours every week when you have two babies. Yes he’s probably taking drugs, the lateness and the mood. No, I don’t believe he’s playing darts.

He’s not a ‘model father’.

@Givemeguidancei agree it’s important to really get to the core of what’s bothering you otherwise you will come across as controlling and unreasonable.

Nothing wrong with going out once a week and you should have that chance too but I realise that’s not as possible if you’re breastfeeding a small baby.

Being out til 3am and being shit the next day is less great. So talk about that and talk about what a fair compromise is. I don’t think staying out late is an issue in itself but being moody the next day when you’ve got little kids is annoying.
If I was hungover and grumpy my partner would take the piss, make me a bacon sandwich and I’d return the favour another time.

The answer is not trying to put it silly curfews with an adult.

I don’t agree that people in their 40s shouldn’t want to go out and have fun with their mates. If so, someone should be telling me and all my friends we’re doing it wrong as we head towards our 50s.

This does seem like a massive shift in personality. It sounds like he isnt coping with 2 under 2 tbh and trying to escape.

Your first post describes him as model father but the later post doesn’t really sound it. If he goes out weekly and stays out late drinking and possibly taking drugs and is moody the next day and unhelpful then is that a model father? How much help does he offer the rest of the week? It sounds like you do vast majority of childcare and I’d guess housework.

Could you sit down and talk to him about what he expected parenthood to be and getting more balance for you? Clearly going out every week till 3am will impact a family life! The money, time, moodiness next day…

Also just because you have a good sex life doesn’t discount the fact he could be cheating. He’s certainly living the life of single guy every week now. But yes it could also be he’s getting addicted to partying lifestyle - ie drink and drugs.

Op if you are not happy you are allowed to speak up. I’m 100% sure he would not be happy with you going out every Friday night till 3am…

My DH used to be on a pool team. Their ‘home’ pub would stay open late on pool nights so a 2/3am closing time wasn’t unusual.
Or some of the lads would go to someone’s house.

A late night doesn’t automatically mean affair 🙄

This feels like you didn't like the original responses saying YABU so now have added to an update to make things sound worse.
Has he ever done drugs before? Who has told you that his friends do drugs? Can they really be trusted or are they feeding into your worries?
You have also gone from saying he pulls his weight and is an all round good guy to now making a noise and being moody..

You need to think what is the real issue you are annoyed with.
Maybe communicate better. When he goes to darts just ask what time you might expect him home by and whether he will be available to help if the baby wakes. Why not even directly ask him if he had a nice night, where did he go?

Of course it’s okay!! Just as long as she gets equal time off too. People are allowed a social life.

The moodiness isn’t great and needs dealing with but one night out a week is not a problem.

No she doesn't

He gets to behave like a single man and the OP has to be the dutiful wife and mother.

We got late nights out on the town out of our system before DC.