Am I being unreasonable placing time limits on upcoming night out?

[Givemeguidance]

Husband and I have been very settled for several years as in a cosy home life. Suddenly since having our second child (2 under 2) he's had a resurgence of going out at night. He goes to play darts each week which must finish before pub kick out but he's been coming in several times very late in the early hours. We have a good sex life and I don't think infidelity - more that he gets carried away with the drink. But I am left feeling rubbish and I have expressed how this can't happen again. Now we have this weekend a family party I'll bring the children too but he's already made plans to go out with the cousins and brothers for a night on the town to the nightclubs after. It is his cousins 'special birthday' so it's being sold to me as something he has to do to- I feel his responsibilities are different he has babies the other males in the family don't- am I being unreasonable saying no to this continuation of the night? I know if I had childcare I'd be allowed to join them but it's not possible and the baby is small still feeding - it's the last thing I want to do anyway. I feel on a different page in life.
If it really was a one off I might feel ok but it's been after the repeated disrespect after darts.
Also in general do you think the weekly darts is making him crave a different lifestyle? Could it be the start of a drink problem?
To add context he is a model father otherwise, works hard, always house proud and getting on with tasks I haven't completed, takes us out all weekend.

The once a week nights out to pub until closing time - very reasonable and healthy. Rolling in drunk at 3am and being grumpy next day - not ok. DH and I have same rules - come in when you like, drink what you like, but don't wake anyone up when you come in and be fully present the next day - up at 7 with the kids, plus if going to be much later than usual, a text update.

How does he manage with work the next day if out until 3am? I could do that when I was in my 20's, not in my 40's, and if it impacts on job and potentially puts that at risk it's a definite no no.

I would have no issue with the one if night out with cousins (as long as he knows he will be up with kids at 7), it's the regular 3am roll ins which are an issue

But surely you can comprehend that some pubs do.
My village local stays open late if the pool team have played at home. You might not know it if you walked past but it definitely does.

Agree. Very sound advice.

This.

it’s the sudden change in behaviour that is worrying. Not that he likes clubbing!

The moodiness the next day is telling. He either can’t handle his drink. Or his drugs. Or both.

And the fact this started just after you had a second child sounds like he’s escaping.

The OP says that the darts finish before pub kick out, but that he then stays out till 3am - she doesn't say where, but it doesn't sound like it's a pub lock-in situation so all the 'my pubs stay open till 3am' posts don't seem to be what's going on here. She also says this is a sudden change. I'm not often a 'must be having affair' person, and I'm not saying that's what's going on here, but it's odd that some are seeing this as a 'it's just a few drinks all perfectly normal' situation. Clearly something has changed and drinking 3am is not normal for this guy so it's fair enough to be questioning why now, where he is and what's going on.

A little village in the north of England. Occasionally the pub that hosts the local pool team will stay open late if their games have been at ‘home’.

It’s more of a lock-in for locals but it happens. I find it bizarre that people jump to affair or other nefarious activities instead of thinking of the most logical answer. It’s probably pub or friends house.

Exactly!
The uselessness and moody day after behaviour needs addressing but everything else? Nah, it’s just one night a week.
Not everyone wants a quiet life and that’s okay.

I certainly haven’t jumped to him having an affair!
More like where on earth is he until 3am and more importantly, why? He has two very young children at home that he’s leaving his wife to sort out alone. Every week.

Arbitrary time limits which are imposed just because you feel that you are missing out are unreasonable. But if he needs to be around at a certain point the next day to do something/ help with something and you are concerned he's going to be too tired or hungover, you should talk about that. Let him know you feel peed off that he is going out and you're not and make a plan for how you get some time to yourself.

YANBU to raise that he's being grumpy and less helpful than usual the day after he's stayed out until 3am and suggest he could come home earlier and/or drink a bit less. I think having a hobby outside of the house is good, but I can see why him writing off a day a week isn't really something you can do with very young kids. Unless you have an agreement where he is default parent for one day a week and you can go off for the day to even things out.

I wouldn't give a time limit no but I would be damn clear that whatever time they come in doesn't give them a free pass the following day to not be a responsible parent. So I would still expect them to be up, changing nappies, helping with the kids etc.

He's a adult and has to realise that a night out doesn't mean a free weekend to be hungover!
It might make himnthink before getting carried away!

Yeah I think it’s the rolling in at 3 am and being grumpy the next day that’s the problem, not the going out as such. When you have young kids, you don’t have the luxury of a whole day’s hangover or being moody like that.

Also the not communicating to you his plans.

Can you put it to him in those terms?

With the cousins thing, I’d probably ask him to stay at one of their houses, so you don’t have to witness the drunken stumble in in the early hours or see the snoring buffalo in your bed in the morning.

And then have some time off for yourself another day.

Funny you should mention the sudden interest in late nights after your second - my exh did the same thing - suddenly after our second was spontaneously going out on a Friday til late, when he was previously far more of a “wholesome” type than me, into sports etc

Others have though...I was talking generally.

Why not? Probably because he's having fun. It's once a week and you're still allowed to have fun when you have kids.

if it's having an impact on the day after then yes, that needs dealing with. But going out once a week and staying out past your bedtime is not inherently a bad thing.

Appreciate the responses.

He says that they go back to teammates houses to celebrate or drown their sorrows. Some use recreational drugs according to him but he doesn't. I haven't met any of them they are new friends. But I wouldn't turn up at the match or pester him with texts. It's only in the early hours that I've messaged asking how long he's going to be.

I know with hormones and lack of sleep I'm very sensitive and tending to overthink everything. I agree that I'm worrying about worst case scenarios.

I've decided the cousins night out is not going to be an issue for me. I've been confusing it because of how the other nights made me feel.

I will try and get something regular in the diary so I have a break too.

Of course you can still go out and have fun when you have children! But to roll in drunk at 3am every week when you have two very young children isn’t ok. At least not in my world.
Mind you, I read posts on MN and often wonder if I live in a completely different universe with different standards and morals 🤷🏻‍♀️

It does. And being a model father the rest of the time is no excuse either, because this is twat behaviour. You simply don't get to spend the next day licking your wounds when you've got two under two.

This. Also, why do you mention concerns about a drink issue? Are there other issues concerning alcohol?

YABU. It's one night a week and this other one is a special occasion. Instead of tying yourself up in knots about it, why don't you get your own social life, and get out of the house one night a week too?

Early forties and still acting like a single bloke dickhead in his twenties??

Have you heard the term ‘mid-life crisis’?

I think you need to sit down together and discuss the future going forwards and what each of your expectations are.

I can’t stand men who prioritise going to the pub over spending time with their families. My dad did that and he was an alcoholic and a crap husband and father.

Is that what you want for your future?

I love having loads of nights out. I had three under four, so obviously then they weren'crazy and I had to watch it with the drink as I was breastfeeding. Now they are all teenagers.I go out at least twice a week at least twice a week sometimes with dh, sometimes with the kids, sometimes with friends.

Dh used to put the kids to bed by himself, or I would put the kids to bed by ourselves or we would get a friend over to do a babysitting swap.

There are some people I know who never went out. And now their kids have grown, and they have very small, boring lives.

I cant imagine living like that. That's fine for some people, if that's what they want but it would drive me insane.

If its excessive, I agree with you. But if its just a night out..... Ppl need to let off a bit of steam . Relationships where people are stuck together all the time usually end badly...partucularly if one person insists the other stays home all the time. .

Going out for a cousins birthday is fine.

Going to play darts once a week is fine.

Coming home weekly at 3am is a proper pisstake.

People change. And it's that fact that makes me wholeheartedly believe that long-term romantic connections are not natural. We try to force them and end up miserable. I could never live like this with another adult dictating what I do in any way. It makes me feel physically uncomfortable.

He's not though. He doesn't go out much at all. It's the peculiarity of his behaviour when he does go out that i would be questioning but if all he's doing is playing darts and going back to a mates for a few beers, he's not doing anything wrong and OP just needs to arrange for him to have the kids so she can do likewise so it's equitable.

You’re still allowed to stay out late when you have children - OP can always book in her own regular night out and leave him in charge too if she wants.