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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To pay my boyfriend’s child’s school fees?

682 replies

WhyWhyWhyDelulu · 10/09/2025 17:32

Need MN perspective. Boyfriend and I have been together for over a year but have known each other for a lot longer. We don’t live together but are close.

Boyfriend’s DC are at a top public school and for various reasons he and his ex-wife can no longer afford the (expensive) fees for their DC3. They have already paid for DC 1&2 to complete the school. But without more money, youngest DC3 will be moving at the end of this year to do sixth form elsewhere.

Boyfriend is really upset, as is DC3. I have the means to meet the shortfall - should I do so?

For context, I have no relationship with DC3 (never met) this would completely and wholly be done as a favour to Boyfriend. My DC are through school and did not go to private school at all. However, I did go to private school and various people helped my parents out with fees, so this feels like karma.

YABU - this is a BF problem only and DC3 will be fine
YANBU - education is a gift and this will not be wasted

OP posts:
AllPlayedOut · 10/09/2025 17:33

You would have to be crazy to do that.

PruthePrune · 10/09/2025 17:34

Ridiculous idea. His kids are not your responsibility.

TimeForTeaAndG · 10/09/2025 17:34

I'd say no, unless you were officially a step-parent (married to their dad) or if it's a loan with a written agreement to pay it back. It's only been a year, you don't live together. This is very much a him problem.

DontLikeMahoganyFurniture · 10/09/2025 17:35

What happens if you give a mouse a cookie?

He's gonna want a glass of milk...

bigageap · 10/09/2025 17:35

Sixth form is not school!

ComfortFoodCafe · 10/09/2025 17:35

You would be insane to do that. Might as well just set fire to your money.

Valeriekat · 10/09/2025 17:35

I suppose you could give him a loan but you are talking a lot of money!

Justmuddlingalong · 10/09/2025 17:36

Nope. Not your responsibility.
You'd be incredibly gullible to be paying his family's bills.

Brightlittlecanary · 10/09/2025 17:36

You can be serious. And you can’t buy love.

ComfortFoodCafe · 10/09/2025 17:36

And imagine how your dc will feel, going to state school but you randomly paying for some random childs private education - if my parents did this i wouldnt speak to them again.

ArghhWhatNext · 10/09/2025 17:36

If you genuinely have the money and are happy to let it go, it’s like a bursary really, isn’t? You need to work out what you’d do if over the next 2 years you were to split up though.

JustStopItNorasaurus · 10/09/2025 17:36

I'd possibly do it if it was a loan with a properly drawn up repayment schedule.

MyElatedUmberFinch · 10/09/2025 17:37

No chance.

ArtTheClownIsNotAMime · 10/09/2025 17:37

My DC are through school and did not go to private school at all.

Definitely not.

Araminta1003 · 10/09/2025 17:37

To be honest moving for Sixth Form is no big deal and may even be good prep for uni. I think it’s unfair on your own kids. Why would you pay for someone else’s at that stage? Surely that money would be of help to your own DC with uni/house deposits etc
Your boyfriend should however not have told the kid as it may cause them anxiety in a key year of exams, so that wasn’t very clever.
Had you asked about paying for year 11 alone to not have to change at a critical stage, my answer would have been different.

Alwayslurkingsometimesposting · 10/09/2025 17:37

ComfortFoodCafe · 10/09/2025 17:36

And imagine how your dc will feel, going to state school but you randomly paying for some random childs private education - if my parents did this i wouldnt speak to them again.

This. It would be madness even if you had no DC. The fact that you have your own who didn't go to private school makes it cruel to them. I hope this is made up, if not please don't do this OP!

Malariahilaria · 10/09/2025 17:38

I may be wrong but it feels like the sort of thing one does in the first flushes of romance when you're trying to show how much you love them. I think you'd perhaps regret giving away circa £40k of your kids inheritance in the future.

Brightlittlecanary · 10/09/2025 17:38

ArghhWhatNext · 10/09/2025 17:36

If you genuinely have the money and are happy to let it go, it’s like a bursary really, isn’t? You need to work out what you’d do if over the next 2 years you were to split up though.

No it’s not like a bursary, it’s like giving a man thousands and thousands of pounds, as that’s what it is, and he then feels he has to stay with her, and she then feels she’s got him.

Brightlittlecanary · 10/09/2025 17:38

ArghhWhatNext · 10/09/2025 17:36

If you genuinely have the money and are happy to let it go, it’s like a bursary really, isn’t? You need to work out what you’d do if over the next 2 years you were to split up though.

No it’s not like a bursary, it’s like giving a man thousands and thousands of pounds, as that’s what it is, and he then feels he has to stay with her, and she then feels she’s got him.

CountryQueen · 10/09/2025 17:38

Nope.

BadgernTheGarden · 10/09/2025 17:38

If you want to do it. It's entirely up to you no one here can say if it's a good idea or not. really. A nice thing for the child whatever.

FurForksSake · 10/09/2025 17:38

What would his ex-wife and he think of this offer? I would refuse that very kindly made offer.

Original poster
WhyWhyWhyDelulu · 10/09/2025 17:39

Oh wow! Ok. I guess I was expecting a bit more sympathy for BF! Certainly he is devastated.

My DC are fine - they had amazing educations and have objectively better prospects than the privately educated BF DC.

OP posts:
Noshadelamp · 10/09/2025 17:39

Does your bf know you have the means to pay? Because this might be influencing just how upset he is about it to you.

I think it were up a terrible precedent, what about university? A gap year for educational and enrichment purposes? Where does it end when bf and DC are upset?

Arlanymor · 10/09/2025 17:39

TimeForTeaAndG · 10/09/2025 17:34

I'd say no, unless you were officially a step-parent (married to their dad) or if it's a loan with a written agreement to pay it back. It's only been a year, you don't live together. This is very much a him problem.

Yes this - if you do do it then you need a legally enforceable repayment agreement. Even then I would be very wary of (a) being seen as the cash cow whenever either of the other kids need money for something and (b) the fact that you've been dating for five minutes, even if you've known him for longer.