To pay my boyfriend’s child’s school fees?

[WhyWhyWhyDelulu]

Need MN perspective. Boyfriend and I have been together for over a year but have known each other for a lot longer. We don’t live together but are close.

Boyfriend’s DC are at a top public school and for various reasons he and his ex-wife can no longer afford the (expensive) fees for their DC3. They have already paid for DC 1&2 to complete the school. But without more money, youngest DC3 will be moving at the end of this year to do sixth form elsewhere.

Boyfriend is really upset, as is DC3. I have the means to meet the shortfall - should I do so?

For context, I have no relationship with DC3 (never met) this would completely and wholly be done as a favour to Boyfriend. My DC are through school and did not go to private school at all. However, I did go to private school and various people helped my parents out with fees, so this feels like karma.

YABU - this is a BF problem only and DC3 will be fine
YANBU - education is a gift and this will not be wasted

I’m surprised at the strength of feeling on this.
And how negative people are about helping out someone who is not related to you.

As you can afford it - without your own children missing out in any way - then I think it’s a lovely thing to do.

You are ‘paying it forward’ which is fair as it seems that you benefited from bursaries and help for your own education.

I suggest other posters (who disagree in principle) think of it like a charity donation.

The only caveat is beware of any indebtedness or obligation that your DP might feel. But if you wouldn’t resent it if your relationship did end soon, then go ahead.

You do know these scammy, red flag stories that are rife, don't have to involve LDRs, undercover government employees or short term loans to release inheritance payments?

How much specifically are you planning to pay? How rich are you ? if you're mega rich and won't miss it then why not if you won't be upset about it if you break up. How would you feel if the kid flunks out or boyfriend starts asking for more and more money?

Can you afford it so easily that you won’t notice you’ve done it? If so then I would. I’d also check in with my kids to make sure they were okay with it first.

its your money OP, it doesn’t matter what us lot think.

Lots of children move from private school to go to a state sixth form school or college. It’s not like moving the child to a new school in years 7-11. It’s a shame the child has to move, but I think you would be crazy to pay for it, not your child, not your problem. You have children so if you have money to give away, give it to them!

If the child is scared of starting a state six form then private education utterly failed them

Hmmm - to be honest, this is the sort of thing I have been discussing in my head.

I would only do it on condition it was an arrangement between BF and me, DC3 would never know. DC3 has never been touted as academic whizz so I don’t think this is about better or worse prospects. I accept that and have no expectation of either gratitude or amazing achievement.

BF and Ex would still be very inconvenienced by the fees as they always were stretched - I would just top up but would expect to be £10k or so for the next two years.

I wouldn’t be asking Mumsnet, I’d be asking your own children what they think. You might be surprised at their reaction.

DC3 needs to get used to the real world sooner rather than later. Now's a good time to do it.

You're only a year into your relationship, you're storing up a lot of problems if the relationship should go downhill.

As they are headed to 6th form then no. Its a natural breakpoint to start a new school.
Surely they should move now instead of December?

How would your dc feel if you give dp £10-20000? They’d probably prefer the money for a house deposit. What if you lose your job next week? Or need the money to support your dc?

What if you and dp split up next week?

Dp must have been aware of this situation coming. Cynical me wonders if he sees you as a cash cow.

If he suggests getting a loan of you, then be cautious. As he is expecting (demanding) a gift, he may not actually pay it back. . Direct him to a bank to get a loan. There’s been too many threads on mn where people have loaned money from pounds to thousands and have never got it back, despite repeated promises.

You’ve been seeing this person for five minutes. It’s a big, cf ask/assumption from him to assume you will pay.

If you're doing it as a kind of 'pay it forward' idea, and you can afford to lose that money (not just now, but in the future if you were to get sick and need private care, or you were to suddenly lose your job etc), crack on. If you're doing it just because of your BF then I'd be a bit wary...has he been looking for additional work to supplement his income? Has he looked into taking out a loan (not that I'm recommending this, I am just curious as to what he has actually done to try to resolve this on his own, rather than simply act distraught)?

In the words of my Mother there is No fool like an old fool

I was private educated and know full well that what seems do-able can change enormously seven or eight years later. I also know full well that my parents needed friends and family to chip in now and again when it was more difficult, and I am eternally grateful.

For me, it would depend on both the materiality and the affordability now, and whether or not the BF intended to pay it back. if it's just a cashflow issue and you can help out, then I don't see how it is a problem.

I think it’s a lovely thing to do, but you need to have the money and some. I think if you do it you should pay two years up front. No way there should be the risk that you break up so the child’s school fees are at risk and his A levels go to pot.
Maybe ask of there is an amount they could afford if you topped up. Or do a loan.

Unless your kids are all on property ladder and very financially secure long term (unlikely) then yabu. That money needs to be spent on your own kids.

If you can afford it and are prepared to lose it then its entirely up to you, however.... Ask yourself the following questions first:
Would you feel resentful if you split very shortly after paying for the school fees?
How would you feel if said child decides that they hate you for no reason or worse still, drops out of sixth-form and wastes your money?
How would your children feel knowing you've spent your money on someone else's children?
Do you want anything in return for this grand gesture even if its just gratitude? How will you feel if its just swept under the carpet in a few months time?

Remember, no good deed goes unpunished

Absolutely not!!

Absolutely no way. Especially as it’s for 6th form which is a much easier move than mid way through the earlier years.
Put that money away safe for you and your children. You never know what’s around the corner and you may need it.
You haven’t even met his son and your relationship is very new. It’s not your issue and is for him and his ex wife to manage.

Please keep the money for your own family.

Thanks @InveterateWineDrinker - I do think there were a lot of us who had paid-for educations that ended up being a team effort. I am sure my gratitude and guilt is a big factor in me considering this.

Your bursary didn't come from a parent's partner of 'over a year', I'm guessing?

You'd be mad.

Your own children would be justified to hate you for this, think you were desperate, stupid and cock-blinded to give this much money to your current bf.

Your bf would be a pathetic user if he even considered accepting.

What is wrong with you. If you want to give away free money, give it to your children.

If you had been in a settled, living-together relationship for five years and knew the DC, maybe. As it stands, no. It would alter the dynamics of your relationship and might reasonably annoy your own DC.

What if you and the bf broke up, perhaps with some bad feeling, in the near future, e.g. you discovered he was cheating on you? Would you carry on paying for the education of a child you had never met, the child of someone you by then disliked?

It’s not your problem.

When you say your children are very well set up etc - do you mean that if you said to them "I have 10k spare so I was thinking of giving it to my boyfriend's son for private school" they would say "that's cool mum, I don't need any help anyway" ? If there's the slightest chance it would upset them if you gave that money away to someone else's child, I wouldn't do it.

I would tell even a well established stepmum not to feel like she has an obligation to do this, nevermind a girlfriend of one year!