To pay my boyfriend’s child’s school fees?

[WhyWhyWhyDelulu]

Need MN perspective. Boyfriend and I have been together for over a year but have known each other for a lot longer. We don’t live together but are close.

Boyfriend’s DC are at a top public school and for various reasons he and his ex-wife can no longer afford the (expensive) fees for their DC3. They have already paid for DC 1&2 to complete the school. But without more money, youngest DC3 will be moving at the end of this year to do sixth form elsewhere.

Boyfriend is really upset, as is DC3. I have the means to meet the shortfall - should I do so?

For context, I have no relationship with DC3 (never met) this would completely and wholly be done as a favour to Boyfriend. My DC are through school and did not go to private school at all. However, I did go to private school and various people helped my parents out with fees, so this feels like karma.

YABU - this is a BF problem only and DC3 will be fine
YANBU - education is a gift and this will not be wasted

Absolutely all of this.

I think it’s actually an incredibly kind thing to do. It can be very damaging for a child of any age to change school let alone being forced to. I absolutely can’t stand the whole private school bashing as I’d have given a kidney to have been able to go as a teen, but it wasn’t on my parents radar at all due to their belief that private school was for rich posh kids.
If you do it OP, do it anonymously for the young person, perhaps pay the school direct. And I too believe in karma.

Unless your kids are all on property ladder and very financially secure long term (unlikely) then yabu. That money needs to be spent on your own kids.

Absolutely this ^. You haven't even met the child and you've only actually been in a relationship with the father for just over a year (IMHO how long you've known him before is irrelevant in this situation) yet you're putting them before your own children.

"I guess I was expecting a bit more sympathy for BF!"

You must be joking!

What is wrong with me?! That is a bit strong.

I understand the value of money. This would cost me the equivalent of the cost of our last family ski holiday.

There is nothing wrong with me. I just thought I would ask MN.

No chance on so many levels. I could maybe understand if this was a step child you had been involved in raising and you were married but you havent even met this child that tells you how new the relationship is. Does your partner know how comfortable financially you are? It's setting the tone for the relationship you are willing to bankroll him what will he not be able to afford next a new car, holiday, home improvements? Sorry but this is not your problem to solve

Maybe you can pay their uni fees too?

Another voice saying no.

It sounds like your BF has not asked directly but has he hinted?

Presumably there are two sets of grandparents who may be able to help or they could get a loan if it's that important to them. But if he's amazingly bright then state 6th form should work fine for him?

What happens if 10k becomes 25k or more? MN is awash with stories of CFs, entitlement and expectations.

Can I check the ££ details:

• The addition of 20% VAT (i.e. 1/6 of the total cost) is what makes it unaffordable, which means your partner and his ex can afford at least 5/6 of the cost.
• His child has 2 years of school remaining
• If you were to pay the unaffordable bit, it'd cost you £10k over 2 years (i.e. £5k/year)
• This implies your partner and his ex paying at least £25k/year between them.

Is all that right?

If your partner's share of the £25k/yr was £12.5k, then if you were to loan him the £10k, he'd be able to pay you it back in less than a year, just by him continuing to have the same outgoing towards schooling.

Unlike the other posters, I'd say doing that wasn't a ridiculous idea, provided you got a proper written agreement between the two of you to prove it was a loan and to outline repayment details etc.

How are finances shared between you generally?
Does he pay his fair share of dates, time away and meals?
Or are these things limited because he's struggling a bit?

Well if you want good karma why don’t you pay for his children’s uni expenses, house deposits and wedding expenses too? Anonymously of course. Since their poor hapless DF is feeling sad.

This could be doable but would breach the separate finances of our relationship.

BF part-retired anticipating comfortably seeing his DC through school but divorce, VAT and other fee increases has challenged this. It is too much for him.

From what I have read on here, many privately educated children go to a state sixth form. If their parents have been wealthy enough to pay for private education at a top public school, I would imagine the state schools where they live are probably full of high achieving kids with wealthy middle class parents. Also, doesn't it help to be attending a state school when applying for University?

No, you haven't been together long enough and sounds like you aren't so loaded that the money isn't insignificant to you. Save the money for your own children, or your own future.

@WhyWhyWhyDelulu I have the means to meet the shortfall

That would be a very kind offer to help a young person to not have to interrupt their education. If you won't miss the money, then it is your 'charitable giving' and shows your loving heart. As you say, others helped you in a similar(ish) situation. Only one question - IF the relationship ever broke down would you regret the generosity?

I think I would be more measured.

Do you love your BF?
How would you feel if he ended things?
Can you afford it without too
much sacrifice?

If you can come to terms with all that, well I suppose I’d be tempted.

I wouldn’t pay this but if you decide to do it, could you do it as a loan that he pays back once he’s finished paying his share of the fees, and all watertight legally via a solicitor? But honestly, I wouldn’t muddy the waters this way.

I think it will destroy your relationship.

There will be no balance left - how can he complain to you about you leaving your socks on the floor when you are paying his child’s school fees? But stinky socks on the floor are really annoying so he will have to fume about them.

Maybe. Some of them were definitely in a bubble and the school spoon-fed everything. The college gave them more independence. My brother went there, sailed through the first term as he was further ahead in some subjects, then saw a sudden dip in his grades in the second term because no-one was chasing him and making him do the work- it was down to him. That was a wake-up call and he ended up with straights As (this was before A*s at A level).

Maybe it's also just because it was a really good college with great teaching. Some state schools are better than some private schools- even though on paper the private school beat them on results, but that's partly because they were extremely selective (9 applicants per place at the time, worse now I believe.)

I couldn't go there because I skipped a year and the college wouldn't take under-16s.

He’s part retired and he wants you to pay for his children’s school fees?! How about he considers becoming fully employed again and pays for his own children? How old are you both?

So he has'nt even asked you yet?
You are planning on stepping in to be the family saviour.

I am sorry OP but that sounds mighty like buying his affection.

1. Do you actually know if they have other funds to make up?. I'm guessing the fees are £25k-£30 if its just a day school. Are they looking at 1 year or 2? that could be nearly £60 if its just day!
2. maybe there are sacrifices they can make for their own child. Has that been considered?

• They must be quite wealthy in the first place to send 3 children to that school. They might be able sell a Family Heirloom or something of value.
• Likely to be in line for an inheritance.. they could ask the GPs to take it out of that.
• sell a second car? Boat?
• Forgo a holiday or two?
• Extend their mortgages by a few years. - if they are only looking for £30.. that would be feasible.

Can't you let them go through those options? before you step in to save the day?

I just think this is such an absolutely BAD idea, to give a sum of this size away to someone (who hasn't even asked you yet) you've only been dating for one year, to a child you have never met.

Calling it a Bursary and justifying it by saying Education is so important is just ridiculous. No one is arguing that education is important, but there are so many options and two years at a good sixth form college could give help him with independent learning and prepare him for university or whatever careet he's interested in. That's what they are designed to do. One could say that the boy has already benefited from five years private Ed to GCSE.. and will be moving onto six form college. If he's done well at GCSE, he would be put in the higher classes and the college would work hard to help him as it improves their performance. Quite a lot of private school pupils go for sixth form college so he'd meet other students who are going through the same transition.

It simply is not a fate that the boy needs to be protected from that would "damage" his education? Its sheer snobbery to think that.
Why isn't that something that your BF could get over?

Seriously consider why you want to be Lady Bountiful here and whether it will affect your relationship with your own children.

• Did they go to uni? What about paying off their student loans before you do this?
• or Deposit for housing
• and in a few yours your own GC.. what about their school fees?
• Or medical needs that are not NHS funded?
• put it into your own pension. if you have grown up children you should certainly be thinking about that.

Sorry to sound so harsh but you sound like a generous person and I think that this is too large a sum for you to jump into giving away. I hope you are not being lent on with all this hand wringing that is going on from the parents.

Absolutely not, if you were living together or married yes I could see why you would. But be really careful is he upset around you because he knows you will cave in and pay?

This is solely something for the parents to sort - please do not pay anything.

Just no

He can't afford it. End of. I would like to fly 1st class but I can't afford that so I don't.