To pay my boyfriend’s child’s school fees?

[WhyWhyWhyDelulu]

Need MN perspective. Boyfriend and I have been together for over a year but have known each other for a lot longer. We don’t live together but are close.

Boyfriend’s DC are at a top public school and for various reasons he and his ex-wife can no longer afford the (expensive) fees for their DC3. They have already paid for DC 1&2 to complete the school. But without more money, youngest DC3 will be moving at the end of this year to do sixth form elsewhere.

Boyfriend is really upset, as is DC3. I have the means to meet the shortfall - should I do so?

For context, I have no relationship with DC3 (never met) this would completely and wholly be done as a favour to Boyfriend. My DC are through school and did not go to private school at all. However, I did go to private school and various people helped my parents out with fees, so this feels like karma.

YABU - this is a BF problem only and DC3 will be fine
YANBU - education is a gift and this will not be wasted

So true.

Maybe different if op had been part of their lives for years, several years, knew the child well, and had a relationship with child. However, they’ve been dating for a year and she’s doesn’t know the child.

This situation hasn’t come out of the blue. Someone upthread posed the question, was it a scam. Maybe not a scam, but was op targeted if she had spare capital? Worth a thought.

This is one of the maddest things I have ever read. You have been with your boyfriend just a year, you haven't met his children and are not really interested in doing so but are prepared to spend tens of thousands of pounds on their private school fees? Who does that?

Also why did he part retire if he was still putting children through private school?

Entirely up to you. It us your money. Why not say you'll pay and he can pay you back over 5 years?

Its scary isn't it. Absolutely mind boggling at how many people think she should pay it and even worse take at FACE VALUE what he is saying that he can't afford it for HIS child.

I'm also mind boggled as suggestions of loans?
Why would you lent someone that kind of money. Whats your odds of getting it back? I'm sure he must have assess like a house he could take a loan out against.
Or sell and buy a cheaper house or car.

He can either afford to be semi-retired or not and if he can't pay the fees he can't afford to be semi-retired.

If the scenario is real then it has to be a scam. I just don't believe someone who could previously afford private school fees for 3 kids suddenly can't fund their last child.

@Needspaceforlego My MIL briefly tried to lay the remotest of seeds that I would pay for SIL's kids a long time ago, as did SIL herself. I can't tell you how quickly I shut that down. Not a frickin' chance. And we could. But not a frickin' chance.

@Zigazigarrr I could almost understand paying for your own neice / nephew IF you had plenty money and unlikely, never going to have children of your own or could afford it on top of paying your own kids fees.

But not an In-law child, divorce can and does happen, would someone imagine being caught up in a divorce scenario and you want nothing more to do with the family but you've committed to paying fees for a nephew in law?

And certainly not a boyfriend who you've known a year who could raise the cash in other ways if they put their mind to it.

@Zigazigarrr Yes it's the long standing commitment come hell or high water and if you won't do it for your children why the hell should I?

Absolutely not your problem. This is still a very new relationship. You certainly don't owe kids you've never met a single penny.

@Needspaceforlego tagged myself in my last post, not you. What a donut!

Your BF and his exDW will have a lot of relatives between them, to ask for help with this.

Never tell a new relationship how much savings you have!

Good lord no. BF is part retired? Well he can get back to work then rather than you paying his child’s school fees.

1 BF is part retired - he can return to full time work

2 You have not met the child - they may not exist/romance scam (BF literally "devastated" WTF??? manipulation)

3 If you want to "pay forward" to absolve your guilt of receiving handouts, donate to a different private school bursary scheme - maybe for very bright kids from very poor/deprived areas in the UK or better still send the £20k to pay for the lifetime education and health needs of a child in a third world country

https://www.worldvision.in/

https://www.actionaid.org.uk/checkout/559818/order_information

Your BF needs to get a grip! Devastated over his elder child having to move schools when they are doing 6th form? Most kids go to college from school to do 6th form and aren’t devastated! He’s being ridiculous and is clearly after your money!!! Throw this one back and start being more savvy with who you pick up!

So why does BF not go back to work full time to cover the school fees if he’s that “devastated?”

The reading comprehension on this thread...😂diabolical

1 She said the DC has NOT been touted as a "whizz"

2 It is also NOT an LDR - the DC lives in a different part of the country to OP & BF - so BF commutes to see DC NOT OP.

3 OP would NOT be paying the full fees only TOPPING UP the shortfall the parents can't afford

There are some excellent state sixth form colleges which get fabulous results from highly motived pupils. Some parents decide to move their children from public schools to complete at 6th form colleges as university apply more generous entry criteria.
You say your children had a great education but how would they feel if they knew you were handing over £10,000 - £20,000 to provide a very privileged education to a child you have never even met. I'm not sure they will appreciate your largesse, especially as you never paid anything toward their schooling.

@DiaryofaProvincialLady why should she pay anything at all?

Oh the irony.

Show me where I said she should pay anything?

My post was correcting the mis-statements of OP's comments on this thread due to poor reading comprehension.

Like this one.

To me this screams of romance scam. Paying school fees is quite a common one apparently. OP apart from never having met his DC, have you met any of his family, his friends ? Do you even know what he does for a living part time? You say you have known him longer than a year but how much longer and where did you meet? Scammers groom their victims over a period of time . I would seriously be tempted to spend a bit of money on a private investigator and just see if he is who he says he is, before I parted with any other cash.

Please please please do not do this. Listen to someone with previous.

@DiaryofaProvincialLady I'm really impressed by your ability to be so consistently unpleasant. Tinkly laugh, head tilt. Ahhhh...

Since when has education up to the age of 18 NOT been schooling?

My guess is it's because she's being conned.

So what did you decide to do @WhyWhyWhyDelulu

help or not help

Wow some of these responses seem really harsh. I don't honestly know what to suggest here but thought OPs offer sounded very kind, and seemed to be coming from the right place to help out a child she doesn't even know so they wouldn't have to have their world turned upside down by moving schools. I can't see particularly why some of the MN replies are so angry. It doesn't seem like the OP is looking for anything in return and was just considering helping out to make someone she presumably loves less upset. I would do this completely if it was like one of my nephews so is it all that different because the child isn't related to the OP?