Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To pay my boyfriend’s child’s school fees?

682 replies

WhyWhyWhyDelulu · 10/09/2025 17:32

Need MN perspective. Boyfriend and I have been together for over a year but have known each other for a lot longer. We don’t live together but are close.

Boyfriend’s DC are at a top public school and for various reasons he and his ex-wife can no longer afford the (expensive) fees for their DC3. They have already paid for DC 1&2 to complete the school. But without more money, youngest DC3 will be moving at the end of this year to do sixth form elsewhere.

Boyfriend is really upset, as is DC3. I have the means to meet the shortfall - should I do so?

For context, I have no relationship with DC3 (never met) this would completely and wholly be done as a favour to Boyfriend. My DC are through school and did not go to private school at all. However, I did go to private school and various people helped my parents out with fees, so this feels like karma.

YABU - this is a BF problem only and DC3 will be fine
YANBU - education is a gift and this will not be wasted

OP posts:
SpiralSpiritSocks · 10/09/2025 17:46

What happens if you break up with your BF?
What happens if you meet the child and he’s horrible/ungrateful/lazy?
What happens when they ask you to cover uni fees.

Your BF and his ex wife need to cut their cloth, and to be honest I’d be concerned that this possibly had even been raised with you, given the short length of your relationship.

Would you be normally be prepared to hand over tens of thousands of pounds to a new friend who couldn’t manage their own finances?

aussiechick01 · 10/09/2025 17:46

You need to read this thread about CF DH and paying for step children to go to private school - poster seemed like a lovely person whose partner and his ex partner treated like a bank
Link to AIBU to not fund ex-partner’s children?

Owly11 · 10/09/2025 17:47

WhyWhyWhyDelulu · 10/09/2025 17:39

Oh wow! Ok. I guess I was expecting a bit more sympathy for BF! Certainly he is devastated.

My DC are fine - they had amazing educations and have objectively better prospects than the privately educated BF DC.

You seem to be conflating sympathy with paying for his kids school fees. You have no idea whether people on this thread are sympathetic or not - you didn’t ask them that, you asked should you pay the fees. That’s a completely different question. You can be very sympathetic AND not pay the fees. I think this is where you are going wrong.

HellonHeels · 10/09/2025 17:47

I reckon he saw you coming OP.

If he's desperate for them to stay on for 6th form he could take out a loan, sell his car and use public transport, get a second job, remortgage his house. So could his ex. Between them they could cover it.

MaryGreenhill · 10/09/2025 17:47

They aren't your responsibility @WhyWhyWhyDelulu

smallsilvercloud · 10/09/2025 17:47

Has he spoken to the school? Just in case they can’t come to an agreement or payment plan.
its very generous of you, if you can afford it and not bothered about repayment then its your call. If you go make sure you pay the school direct and not bf.

Marylou2 · 10/09/2025 17:47

My DDs fantastic state 6th form college had a large number of pupils who moved there after being privately educated to GCSE level. They were all absolutely fine with the move and are going to uni in the coming weeks. Your DP and his ex wife should save whatever money they have for their child's uni and send them to a state 6th form. Don't get involved.

Gossyboo · 10/09/2025 17:47

Don't do it. Even if you stay together it has a lot of potential to cause resentment and/or awkwardness. Stay out of it. It's up to the DC's parents to sort this out.

I can't help wondering if they were able to pay for private education for 3 DC for that length of time, could they not find a way to continue to pay for that last stretch for 1 DC if they really wanted to, even if that involved a loan or something. You should not be stepping in anyway. And as someone else said what happens when it's uni next!

summitfever · 10/09/2025 17:48

Christ no, setting yourself right up there. Not your circus, not your monkey. Why do you feel the need to do this it’s insane?

beAsensible1 · 10/09/2025 17:48

No. They’ve had an entire private school education up to gcse. That’s enough of a foundation.

Better to put its in a high interest account and gift to your kids when they’re ready to buy or have a baby or pay for your grandkids education when it comes.

MyElatedUmberFinch · 10/09/2025 17:48

WhyWhyWhyDelulu · 10/09/2025 17:44

Ah - ok a couple of things:

  • I would meet the shortfall, not the full fees (but nonetheless £££)
  • My DC are doing great, we don’t need to worry about them.
  • BF has no idea I would consider this

I am really interested by the responses. I had bursaries and grants and support for my schooling so I guess this seems way more normal to me.

Can your boyfriend get a bursary?

TwistedWonder · 10/09/2025 17:48

You’ve only been with him a year, you have no relationship with the DC and you’re actually considering this - WTAF???? It’s an insane idea

PashaMinaMio · 10/09/2025 17:48

Dont do it. Just don’t.

ishimbob · 10/09/2025 17:48

I do feel sympathy for the child here - it would be sad to have to move school especially if their friends are staying on.

And I did also get a scholarship to a private school.

However - I still think it would be insane to give a child you have never met thousands of pounds! You can't be in a very serious relationship with their father if you haven't met his children.

If you want to give money away, there are far far more deserving causes.

Whomitmayconcern · 10/09/2025 17:48

WhyWhyWhyDelulu · 10/09/2025 17:39

Oh wow! Ok. I guess I was expecting a bit more sympathy for BF! Certainly he is devastated.

My DC are fine - they had amazing educations and have objectively better prospects than the privately educated BF DC.

If you are happy to lose the money and upset your own children go ahead. I would never trust someone who would accept £30k (yep that is one years of fees) one year into a relationship off me. If you really want to help then go for a loan arrangement and have it drawn up by a solicitor, with payback and interest. If the relationship doesn’t last at least you have kept YOUR children’s inheritance safe.

Araminta1003 · 10/09/2025 17:48

BTW loads of people are pulling DCs out of private school at Sixth Form so I doubt he will be the only one. It’s what’s happening now, sometimes politics gets in the way of treating siblings fairly. Boyfriend could also ask the school for financial help/bursary/scholarship.

BeltaLodaLife · 10/09/2025 17:49

A loan or a gift?

I would do it as a loan. With paperwork. Not as a gift.

(A long term loan so they can pay you back without struggle, but I’d be really clear that it’s a loan). But it’s your money. If you want to gift it then gift it.

FOJN · 10/09/2025 17:49

Why wouldn't you give the money to your own children? I think funding your boyfriends child to have the type of education you didn't give your own children could cause some upset.

You have only been with him a year, even if you have known him longer, and you're thinking about giving him between 40-50k for a child you have never met. That makes you seem a bit gullible and desperate. Just don't.

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 10/09/2025 17:49

You’d be crazy to do this, which I think you know.

TwistedWonder · 10/09/2025 17:50

WhyWhyWhyDelulu · 10/09/2025 17:44

Ah - ok a couple of things:

  • I would meet the shortfall, not the full fees (but nonetheless £££)
  • My DC are doing great, we don’t need to worry about them.
  • BF has no idea I would consider this

I am really interested by the responses. I had bursaries and grants and support for my schooling so I guess this seems way more normal to me.

You really don’t see the difference between a bursary/grant and being funded by a gf of a year?

Honestly I’m shocked that you’re surprised at the responses

Robin67 · 10/09/2025 17:50

Could you pay it as a loan?

Will you be paying the whole thing, or subsidising the difference?

How would you feel in the future if your children needed help with a house deposit etc and you could not afford it, but had paid for a stranger's private education?

I see you have already answered some of these. Is state school a better option for university application?

Roosch · 10/09/2025 17:50

WhyWhyWhyDelulu · 10/09/2025 17:32

Need MN perspective. Boyfriend and I have been together for over a year but have known each other for a lot longer. We don’t live together but are close.

Boyfriend’s DC are at a top public school and for various reasons he and his ex-wife can no longer afford the (expensive) fees for their DC3. They have already paid for DC 1&2 to complete the school. But without more money, youngest DC3 will be moving at the end of this year to do sixth form elsewhere.

Boyfriend is really upset, as is DC3. I have the means to meet the shortfall - should I do so?

For context, I have no relationship with DC3 (never met) this would completely and wholly be done as a favour to Boyfriend. My DC are through school and did not go to private school at all. However, I did go to private school and various people helped my parents out with fees, so this feels like karma.

YABU - this is a BF problem only and DC3 will be fine
YANBU - education is a gift and this will not be wasted

YABU and insane to even consider this.
Bloody hell.
No one NEEDS an expensive public school education and those children are NOTHING to do with you.

InMyShowgirlEra · 10/09/2025 17:51

Assuming this is a stable, long term relationship, I would.

As long as you know there's no guarantee of gratitude or even a relationship with DC3 and you're not going to be feeling the loss of that money if you and DH split up, why not? It's a generous thing to do.

Having said that, I lived near to a 6th form college consistently ranked the best in the UK, and a lot of my private school cohort went there for 6th form. For many of them, it was the making of them, and they did better than those that stayed on at independent school.

MousseMousse · 10/09/2025 17:51

The only way I would consider doing this would be to write it up as a legally binding loan - a formal contract which you both sign and that states he must pay you back the money if you break up, or if otherwise asked to.

MirandaWest · 10/09/2025 17:51

To me it would make a difference why both he and his ex are unable to afford it.