To pay my boyfriend’s child’s school fees?

[WhyWhyWhyDelulu]

Need MN perspective. Boyfriend and I have been together for over a year but have known each other for a lot longer. We don’t live together but are close.

Boyfriend’s DC are at a top public school and for various reasons he and his ex-wife can no longer afford the (expensive) fees for their DC3. They have already paid for DC 1&2 to complete the school. But without more money, youngest DC3 will be moving at the end of this year to do sixth form elsewhere.

Boyfriend is really upset, as is DC3. I have the means to meet the shortfall - should I do so?

For context, I have no relationship with DC3 (never met) this would completely and wholly be done as a favour to Boyfriend. My DC are through school and did not go to private school at all. However, I did go to private school and various people helped my parents out with fees, so this feels like karma.

YABU - this is a BF problem only and DC3 will be fine
YANBU - education is a gift and this will not be wasted

It depends how wealthy you are and how much you would miss the money.

It is a lovely thing to do if you can afford it.

No way. It’s their problem.

Rachel Reeves

Honestly i’m not sure id be very impressed if either parent gave a whole chunk of money to a random child they don’t even know of a bf they were only with 5 minutes.
i think it would hurt a lot.
you don’t even know this child.
what if you break up? What if then neither parent can pay these fees? What if the break up is not nice, how will you then feel after giving away this money?

What if you break up and they have to leave half way through a levels ?

No.

I am from a background where education is everything. Honestly, paying into education isn’t that wild. But I do hear you all!

My DC were lucky enough to get into grammars. They are also well looked after.

Nooooooo.

You are dating this man. You would be crazy to spend £50-£60k+ on educating a child that you’ve never met.

They can go to a state sixth form, it won’t kill them.

It is frankly quite odd that “various people” paid for your education and not the norm at all.

What happens if, in term 1, you split up with your BF - do you continue paying each term? Or pull them out of sixth form mid-A Levels?

What happens when they can’t afford university? Do you pay for that too?

If this was your step child and you were married it would be worth considering, but for someone you’ve been dating for a matter of months? Definitely not.

If BF and ex-wife feel strongly enough about him finishing at the school, can’t one or both of them take out a mortgage against the equity in their property ? This is not your problem.

@InMyShowgirlEra why, if you don't mind me asking? Do you feel that they were too sheltered in the private 6th form?

This^

Eh?

And what about all the extras that pop up? Like the ski trip ……..

The Chancellor pushed it from ‘Doable’ to ‘Not Doable’

My DC are through school and did not go to private school at all.

I’m sure they will be thrilled if you pay for someone else’s child.

If you can afford to with out it affecting your lifestyle, future choices etc then I can see why you would offer to help with the shortfall in terms of a loan.
If I had a close friend or relative in the same boat I would offer to help if I had surplus cash, I would expect for it to be paid back at a very low interest rate and I would never lend more than I could afford to lose.
I certainly wouldn’t gift it, because sixth form is not school… we are not talking about a child in his final year of secondary school. Lots of people leave private school at sixth form stage.

You sound like a kind person OP.

You mentioned receiving £ support for your own education and wanting to pay that forward. How would you feel if you split from your bf though? Would it make you regret your decision? I think there’s a big difference to aunts/uncles and grandparents chipping in because they’ll always be family. Sadly relationships don’t always last, and it is such a lot of money.

What happens if you break up?

It's quite normal to move elsewhere for 6th form

So the amount you are considering is only the VAT?

Came to say this.

Also how badly would you feel about the money if things ended with the BF. Or the relationship ended badly. Or the DC didn’t use it well or was unkind to you. Would the BF also resent you for the large financial favour he owes you?

Apparently I’m in the minority here but if you can genuinely afford this without it affecting you (and it’s beyond my own tiny little imagination to have this sort of money but some people do) then yeah I’d do it but I’d pay the school directly.

I have never heard this before, but I love it!

Do you even know the child actually exists? I don't think its a reasonable thing to do. If you do it ensure you are paying direct to the school. Call them, speak to them etc. Via your own research. Romance scams exist and put in the long work for money.

Really if you have this much money spare think about your own children: house deposits, weddings etc.
I am amazed that for 2 years he can’t get a loan. Maybe you could loan ( with a contract drawn up ) loan.

I would not do this and if I was your boyfriend, I would not accept the money. It is a very nice idea but it could come across as a bit insecure and that you want to make him feel obligated to stay with you.