Why the dislike for larger families?

[momtoboys]

Posting here for traffic.

There was a post yesterday from a mom who had five children. I was surprised at the level of vitriol leveled at her for her larger than normal family. Things were said such as “you can’t properly parent five children”, “well, that’s your fault for having so many children”!

I have five children who are now grown. It made me wonder if people in my real world were thinking those mean things about my family. Why does it seem to be such a big deal? People choose the number of children that will complete their families. For some families it is one. Others it is six. Why do people seem to judge harshly if it is a higher number?

TBF the reason people responded negatively to that post was because she was complaining about her Mil not helping. OBVIOUSLY five children is hard work, and you need to be organised and make sure you have nappies in. There was also the suggestion in that post that her husband was useless and hiding at work. Again, why is that the MILs problem.

Have you been living under a rock? People hate large families and mumsnet is awful for it, I have 4 and I've stopped telling people on here because all of the abuse I have received over it, I've had to lie about having 4 now because of the vitriol

People will be mean for any reason, it's standard MNs.

Overwhelming indifference from me

unless…

reliant on extensive benefits with no plans to ever work it would seem
lots of issues with children ie school refusing, discipline etc but still keep procreating
and multiple exes leading to the poor kids being in a volatile environment

Yes the devil is in the detail

wasn’t a “hate large family” thread at all

I have a large family and couldn't give a shit about other people's opinions. We brought them up and paid for them ourselves. We had no help and that was fine.

I could not care less whether other people disapprove of our choices. The post you refer to thought was someone who was clearly struggling to manage all her kids.

For some weird reason, all the antinatalist idiots like to flock on MN, potentially to further their agenda and write hate on parents.

This.

Totally agree.

I’ve not seen the thread, was it that poster that pops up every now and then who has like 5 boys in a flat and can’t cope? The threads always go the same way so not sure why they keep coming back…

I think 4 or 5 children is a nice normal ‘big’ family, certainly nothing like the Radfords which IS ridiculous. I was an only child and absolutely hated it.

If anything OP, you and other people with large families should get a tax break.

I'm on that thread didn't see any vitriol just a general consensus that if you have five kids you should expect your life to be hard and expect to get less help from tired older people in your family. If you're seeing vitriol look within first because there was very little if any.

If you're actually genuinely asking why people would be vitriolic towards large families have a thought for our planet have a look at climate change and really ask yourself should any of us be having five children?

You're not taking the context of the post into account.

That post was moaning about how her MIL and DH don't do enough to help. The fact she has five kids was relevant, although posters did take it too far, as usual.

For what it's worth, my mum had five kids. When my step-sister lived with us, there were six of us at home. My mum wasn't really cut out to be a mother, she wanted kids desperatly, but when it came to it, she wasn't very good at it. She was incredibly impatient with us, didnt know how to be affectionate and constantly moaned about the fact there were five/six of us. There wasn't enough of her to go around and there certainly wasn't enough money.

She's the reason I decided I'll absolutely never have more than two

So no, having five kids isn't necessarily selfish, but if you're having them to fulfill some longing in yourself without any idea of how to properly parent five kids, like mum did, then it's incredibly selfish and irresponsible.

There are some bitter, jealous people on here who wany everyone to have mean little lives like they do.

Environmental reasons

No issue with families of any size, the issue particularly with that poster was the expectation that other people should be looking after her children because she couldn’t cope- hence the “why have 5”!

People tend to post when things going wrong on here. Lack of time and money. A tricky situation is often compounded by being spread too thinly.

Fairy cake - I have no idea if you are being facetious but I can certainly understand that perspective.

There is no negative view of having five children if the parents provide for them and care for them properly.

The OP yesterday had one 16yo vaping in his room, one13yo who refused to help by nipping to the shop, had allowed herself to run out of nappies and was criticising her MIL, who was in her 60s and understandably wasn't keen on babysitting. She then took her youngest four out in the rain.

I'm one of six. I remember what it was like. Never enough of anything. No attention. No privacy. Always late for or lacking something. Excluded from activities through lack of money. Very little care. It was no fun at all.

Having a large family requires planning, a large income, plenty of space & time, and good organisation if the children are not going to suffer. It didn't sound like that was happening yesterday.

Or they've been there as children and know how miserable it can be.

I assume you like Rosamund Pilcher 🤗

I don't hate people who have big families. I am however perplexed by people who have child after child then wonder why life is quite stressful and difficult.

There's one particular large family I dislike as a collective because they're really fucking loud. I think it's a lovely setup if you've got the spoons to deal with it.

I think it's fine if parents have the space and resources to care for them properly. Own rooms, at least in the teenage years, enough help that they can all do a reasonable number of extracurricular activities and enough money for the usual childhood experiences.

Unless you have an only child, parents are always having to balance the interests of their children. While most, even if not well off, will manage to balance 2 or even 3 children successfully in a way that means they're not disadvantaged (even if they can't have or do everything they want!), I think when you get to 4 or above, it's difficult for parents to do this unless they have significant financial resources, lots of family help or large age gaps with helpful older children.

I've been rereading her books for the first time in decades and it's been such a joy!

I don’t think people hate big families, but I can see why people are perplexed by people who keep having kids when they can’t handle the ones they already have.