Why the dislike for larger families?

[momtoboys]

Posting here for traffic.

There was a post yesterday from a mom who had five children. I was surprised at the level of vitriol leveled at her for her larger than normal family. Things were said such as “you can’t properly parent five children”, “well, that’s your fault for having so many children”!

I have five children who are now grown. It made me wonder if people in my real world were thinking those mean things about my family. Why does it seem to be such a big deal? People choose the number of children that will complete their families. For some families it is one. Others it is six. Why do people seem to judge harshly if it is a higher number?

It's interesting that all the parents of lots of kids think they're doing a stellar job and everyone gets what they need. But the grown up kids of large families are saying the exact opposite.

I never said anything about judging anyone - all I said was that continuing the pregnancy is a choice in the same way that choosing a partner who already has children is a choice.

We are very lucky to live in a country where women can end their pregnancies if they wish.

This always happens on threads like this.

I never said it was easy.

But when you already have children your responsibility has to be to them, first and foremost.

It's still a choice though. Thankfully no one in this country is forced to go ahead with a pregnancy.

There are plenty of unhappy adults from one-, two- or three-parent families. I only know a handful of people who grew up in larger families: I would say their overall childhood happiness is in line with our peers.

The only thing I am 100% confident of is that my kids will find something about their childhoods unsatisfactory. For me, it's that one of my parents always prioritised work over family life. For DH, it's that both (only child) parents died when he (only child) was a teenager, leaving him with no family at all.

They fuck you up, your mum and dad...

Yes I've seen that shes got 5 and possibly pregnant with another. Facebook is full of the kids and problems, your choice to go down thar road.

Charming - and factually incorrect. Meanwhile in La la land. . .

I too am one of six. It’s not a good experience as another poster has said - not enough money, attention, privacy etc. it’s a decision made by the parents without considering the children involved. My parents were lovely people who worked very hard and loved us to bits but it’s not a good experience. The pressure they put themselves and us kids under. It’s not like The Waltons. When you watch 22 kids and Counting, the older kids particularly, look quite miserable. And it’s quite upsetting watching your parents struggle. I felt desperately sad that my mum had 4 jobs , working through the day and also through the night to earn enough money for our Xmas. Definitely not happy families and I think people who have these large families do it for their own benefit, certainly not for the benefit of the children

The only one that isn’t a choice is being pregnant with multiples. But when any woman gets pregnant, there is always a risk of twins or even triplets- the latter obviously being quite rare. And terminations exist and are legal - a difficult decision no doubt, but still a choice.

I have no issue with large families, I am one of 4, my husband one of 5, our extended family is huge. The only issue I would have is with large families who then rely on the taxpayer to fund them. If you can afford to look after your kids then crack on, have as many as you want.

I read the post you are referring to and I dont think its a reflection on big families. The OP really wasn't helping her cause by the way SHE described the behaviour of her kids but then wondered WHY MiL didn't help!

I think there's an assumption with big families, definitely fueled by the media that they are
Scroungers,
Live off benefits
Kids are out of control,
Kids cause behavioural issues at school.
Keep having more kids , who will also be out of control.
Antisocial behaviour, trouble with police

However I think if you can afford to have a larger family within your means then thats OK. I am one of 4, have shared a room my WHOLE life, 1 bathroom for 6 of us, didn't bother me, grew up respecting other people's needs as well as my own.
All of us are well mannered, working people with families, own homes. never been in trouble with police etc...

If you DO fit in with media image of large families then yeah I'd probably judge you , but generally I'm totally not bothered how big a family is!

Think it's because they assume they are mainly living on benefits. Not many family's can afford more than 2 if they both have to work.

Perhaps we should ask why

Sounds exactly like me 🤣 3 to my ex husband ( 10 years together) they're 21, 18 & 15 then 4 to my now partner of nearly 13 years . I also can't cook small meals my mam thought I was batch cooking one day I was like nope this is just tea 🙈 wouldn't think she was one of 7 herself !
The washing though ...... omg the washing 😳

Not judging, but why did you want 7 children?

This thread is a very interesting read. The parents of large families should read carefully the posts of the women who grew up as children in large families.

My spouse is one of five and says the same. That there were some good moments, but by and large it was stressful in so many ways. The expense of so many kids meant both parents working around the clock so they barely ever saw them. Squabbles and fights and arguments and recriminations due to trying to share space between all of them. The older ones resentful at having to pick up caring for the younger ones, the younger ones grew up angry that they didn't really see their parents at all (the parents had to increase their hours the more kids they had). Even as an adult with five of them there is always at least one pair that is not currently speaking.

The saddest story I heard from them was that they often went without tea because the parents were at work and they didn't really know how/what to cook/parents hadn't had time to go food shopping. So they used to watch TV cooking shows while eating free tomato sauce packets and pretend they were eating the food on the show.

Needless to say, my DH was very keen on our child being an only child. Having had my own traumatic experiences with siblings growing up and into adulthood I was in agreement.

If you go back to prehistoric/indigenous peoples, the average age gap was more like 3-4 years, and you'd see maybe 2-3 kids per family.

More basic nutrition combined with breastfeeding meant that women's periods weren't as frequent, so you'd see bigger gaps and smaller families (and women would typically menstruate later).

Humans are so useless when they're born that they need a lot of input, not just form their own parents but from a small tribe of them. Two parents and 4+ kids under 10 is very far from the biological norm.

Are you saying people should choose to abort one of their babies that have already been made? Wow. Most people dont even know until theyre 12 weeks.

I can't speak for that poster, but it is a choice. She didn't say it was a nice choice, a happy choice or an easy choice - but it is a medical possibility to abort one fetus.