Why the dislike for larger families?

[momtoboys]

Posting here for traffic.

There was a post yesterday from a mom who had five children. I was surprised at the level of vitriol leveled at her for her larger than normal family. Things were said such as “you can’t properly parent five children”, “well, that’s your fault for having so many children”!

I have five children who are now grown. It made me wonder if people in my real world were thinking those mean things about my family. Why does it seem to be such a big deal? People choose the number of children that will complete their families. For some families it is one. Others it is six. Why do people seem to judge harshly if it is a higher number?

I am largely indifferent. My only concern is it seems that the older kids get lumbered with child care and parenting when they are still kids.

The problem isn’t a specific number of children. The problem is more children than you as a parent have the financial, logistical, and emotional resources to parent well.

Some people can handle a large number of children. Many people need to stick to smaller families. I am one of those people who could not handle a large number of children well. I recognized this and had a family appropriate for me.

threads where the number of children become the focus often show clear signs that the poster has failed their large family.

Antinatalist is not the same as environmentally conscious and practical surely?

There is a lot of evidence for the unsustainability of population growth so personally i dont believe anyone should be having children above the rate of replacement.

That said, I'd not cross the street to avoid a large family or be horrible to a mum with four kids as it's her life and her decision.

But from what I've seen, Mumsnet is full of venom. Mumsnet hates people on low wages/menial jobs. Along with men, transexuals and neuro diverse people.

The annoyance in response to the post yesterday was not about the number of children and everything to do with the mums entitled attitude about her MIL helping her at the drop of a hat. Her husband apparently does no parenting and there was a 16 year old incapable of supervising his siblings for 10 minutes or nipping to the supermarket.

momtoboys
not being facetious. Having a lot of children puts a strain on the planet which we’re struggling to maintain already.

I wouldn’t have children now, we’re too close to climate catastrophe/ climate death.

It depends on the family. I know someone with 5 children and she couldn’t really cope with 3. I do judge her for the making the mess she was in worse and for bringing up children is such a chaotic environment.

My DH was one of 8 and my MIL was very organised, quite strict and a very dedicated mother. I don’t judge her as she had the means and the ability to raise a large family well.

I think people judge people who don’t or can’t parent their children that they have chosen to have. They know the children of these parents suffer in some way. If the poster was complaining that her MIL wasn’t helping as a pp said, she’d be seen as a CF as it’s not MILs job.

I know a few people with large families, between 5 and 8 children. None of the kids get much individual attention because the parents just don’t have the time. Most are cramped in houses not really big enough, the parents are completely stressed out, they are struggling financially because they earn very average wages which simply can’t support 5-8 children. People don’t like to see children suffering because parents have had more children than they have the resources for.

Exactly. I'd love more kids as would many people I know. However we've thought carefully about money/space/ time.

If you can afford and have the bandwidth to parent 4 or 5 kids then good for you.

Oh me too! Been getting them out from our local library and they are such feel-good stories. (Apart from the one when the romantic hero slapped the heroine across the face and this was seen as a good thing as she was saying some truly horrid things to him at the time :( )

I know a few families with lots of kids.

some are lovely families. The kids are lovely, well parented, there’s obviously enough attention to go round. They’re great. I love spending time with them.

others are chaotic, over crowded and noisy. I don’t enjoy spending time with them.

I don't ever see this in real life to be honest. Only on Mumsnet. I don't know many 'big' families, not now. Pre 1980s I knew lots of families who had 5-6 children or more. I never judged them then, and they were just big families.

I did see a lot of the mother making the oldest girl into a second mother - giving her childcare duties while she went to the pub or out with friends. And all the girls would be assigned household duties. The boys never had to do anything of course. Some women I know now - in their 50s and 60s have been doing childcare and housework since they were 10 years old.

And as a few posters have said, some children can feel lost and neglected (emotionally) as the parents can't possibly give enough attention to 8, 9, 10+ children. Not saying that is a given, but it does happen.

The Radfords are the most absurd family I know. 20+ children FFS They don't come across as the brightest bulbs on the Christmas tree, and their children seem totally enmeshed in them. The children nearly all live at home still, and the 3 or 4 that have left, only live a few minutes walk away, and see their parents/siblings every day. Very weird co-dependent dynamic.

She admitted she wasn’t parenting them properly and their household was in chaos. That was precisely the point.

Personally, I just don't think it is ethical to have so many children nowadays.

However, I chose to not have any so hopefully I balance it out with a large family!

Yup this is my take. I came from a family exactly like this.
I think if you get to 2/3 kids and struggle to juggle them all with the support network you have, then any extra kids you CHOOSE to have is entirely your problem to manage. No one, especially an aging MIL should have to run around sorting out your problems.

As others said in the post either the eldest could have bought nappies, or she could have left the eldest at home and only taken the baby and next youngest to the shops.

Jealous of somebody with 5 kids to juggle?! Hell they deserve a medal, I would rather gouge my eyes out than have that many kids. Jealous I am not, I admire them.

That particular OP was whinging about how little her MIL did to help, it obviously raised the question of why choose to have 5 kids if you can't cope with them?

I'm not people inherently dislike big families. They dislike it when people have big families and then spend their time complaining about it.

Whilst each family is unique - I am from a large family and hated it. I hated the chaos, the noise, nowhere to be alone, the hand me downs, the shared room, the shortage of money I was always aware of, but most importantly, I hate that I rarely had my parents to myself. So I do wince a bit when posters rave on about how their dc loved being in a large family. I think- do they really?
But each situation is unique and plenty of people do have a good experience of being in a large family.

I think it is only OK to have a large family if you have enough money, have time to parent them all properly and don’t need to rely on anyone else. The reality in many large families is that the attention is totally focused on bringing up the younger children and the older ones are left far too much to do their own thing or look after younger siblings. The woman on the thread, with 5 children, was complaining her older one was vaping. She needed to parent.

I judge men who have lots of children by different mothers and do little or nothing to help with their upbringing.

I saw someone, a single parent, on a TV programme today bringing up five children in a flat, she and two of the children had been having to sleep in the living room as she also had an elderly parent living with them. He was going into residential care, so she was getting a bedroom for the first time in a decade.

There was no communal space, they were not even able to eat as a family on Christmas Day. The youngest child had serious medical issues which caused massive amounts of laundry which was draped everywhere.

I don’t judge people having large families, IF they can meet the children’s needs and everyone has a decent quality of life. As per a PP there are people who might be able to cope with a smaller number of children, but they carry on and have more.

Too right. I judge these men, and the women who have children with multiple different men. Children need to be brough up in stable environment not having different men hanging round all the time. Although in some ways I'm impressed that they can manage the logistics of the different custody schedules.

Personally I have no issue with large families, and if anything have huge respect for anyone that can parent that many kids. My best friend had 4 and did an amazing job with all of them as a single mum.

In the case of the post from yesterday, if someone has chosen to have any number of kids and is then complaining because someone who isn’t their parent isn’t offering to look after them…well I’m happy to let them vent, but would probably be silently judging them in my head.

edited to add: would deffo be more sympathetic if it’s a single parent family as they’ve taken on the responsibility with two parents and usually end up with one doing most of the childcare - nearly always mum in hetero couples, surprise surprise!

They'll be paying your pension though.

Most of us have defined contribution pensions now so that's not really true. May be for the state bit but that's hardly worth worrying about.