Why the dislike for larger families?

[momtoboys]

Posting here for traffic.

There was a post yesterday from a mom who had five children. I was surprised at the level of vitriol leveled at her for her larger than normal family. Things were said such as “you can’t properly parent five children”, “well, that’s your fault for having so many children”!

I have five children who are now grown. It made me wonder if people in my real world were thinking those mean things about my family. Why does it seem to be such a big deal? People choose the number of children that will complete their families. For some families it is one. Others it is six. Why do people seem to judge harshly if it is a higher number?

But these kids will be paying for your pension and healthcare once you're older. There's a massive issue with demographic collapse and not enough taxpayers to fund pensioners in the future.

Exactly this. And who then complain that 5 children are a lot more work than 1 or 2. QED.

Which is all very well. However if we’re all forced to live out old age cheek to jowl in a dystopian, overbuilt nightmare, just for the economy we’re even worse off.

All of us struggle at times though. Can you never complain about kids if you have more than two?? Strange rule ....

I often find it hard with 4 kids but the joys outweigh it - yes they're all doing well although they have their moments - eldest smashed her A levels and is about to head off to do maths at uni.

My 4 all have plenty of one to one time with me - more in fact then with my parents (I was 1 of 2).

You have a very peculiar interpretation of that thread OP

Interesting that that's what comes up on your feedines all aging parents sewing and knitting with a bit of the feminist board and some relationships. I wonder why that's what you see?

I must admit, the Radford family are a bit odd. Compared to the Grimwades, who come across better

It was never ethically acceptable to have loads of dc to be fair…to be honest I can’t see what you would get out of a third that you don’t already get from two. I think two is acceptable if you are insistent on your first child having a sibling. Any more than that is unnecessary imo.

This graph shows how few babies are being born. It's a absolute disaster for governments.

I often think my mum may have been a better mum if she'd had only myself and my oldest younger sister (I remember things getting distinctively worse when my oldest younger brother came along) like she wasn't amazing but we was fed decently and had clothes that fit and she did spend some time with us.

@Penfoldfive we are all aware of the demographic crisis that many governments are facing, but the solution cannot be to inflict the misery that some PP’s have described in larger families where there wasn’t even enough to eat on more children.

People are very quick to say that people shouldn’t have children to look after them when they are old, therefore it can’t be right for children to be born to pay other people’s pensions.

YABU. The planet can't afford it, and there is no way that you can give that number of children the attention that they deserve without parentifing some of the elder ones. Also, the OP of the thread you mention had the gall to whine that her MIL wasn't helping her.

Yeah I don't really like the way they come off tbh. And it's pretty grim that the bloke was having unprotected sex with the woman when she was 12 or 13 and him a fair bit older.

It's rubbish that they fund their lives through this one little bakery/pie business that he runs. Apparently the pies are crap as well!

But I guess they wanted to be rich and famous and they are.

Perhaps so. Maybe I just recognized her struggle.

This!
My mother-in-law had four boys and by all accounts couldn’t cope.

one of my husband‘s core memories is just his Mum coming home and screaming at them all the time and being stressed. He recalls being ditched at various sporting events, and they’d be cancelled, & his parents would be out at sporting events with the other 3 & before mobile phones he just be a 9 year-old boy an hour from home with nowhere to go.

For all intents and purposes, he was pretty much ignored because he was a quiet obedient child. We live three hours away and he doesn’t want much to do with them because I think he never really bonded with his parents.

when he talks about them there’s a real lack of connection, compared to what I had with just me and my brother and my parents. This completely will not be the case for lots of people, but it is our experience, she was knackered and stressed all the time and it impacted his upbringing.

The poster expected her MIL to come help when she called and she showed chronic disorganization and poor parenting and the kids are a handful.

Don't have big families if you won't get your shit together and whine how tough parenting is.

The only people I know with large (4) families are very well off. Both parents are hospital consultants. Six-bedroomed house. Plus a nanny and cleaner.

My mum was one of 11, my dad was one of 7, my dd's dad was one of 9. All of them found living in large families pretty miserable, because of the lack of resources (especially parental time). That is anecdotal and doesn't mean large families can't and don't work, but it is obviously a bigger parenting challenge.

That view doesn't equal hating large families. But I can see how you might end up feeling quite isolated, as babysitting/ reciprocal play dates would be hard to come by.

For me it’s the having a big family and whining about not being able to deal with it. I have no issue with a big family but if you decide to do that don’t complain about it. That post was whining about how her MIL should help…nope, she needed to stop being entitled and figure it out herself. As someone who has zero help like with the DC (eg last time DH and I had a night with neither of them there was start of October) I have no sympathy as you just get on with things. Same reason we’ve distanced ourselves from some friends who complained how hard life was after their 3rd, then had a 4th (by choice) complained more. Buy some bloody condoms!

If you 'recognized her struggle', why did you have so many kids? Obviously if you have five children you are going to struggle, which is why most people who have a choice in the matter stop at two or three at the most. Why make a completely preventable lifestyle choice and then whine? That is what is annoying, and it doesn't just apply to people who have large families.

I was the poster who said five children was too many to properly parent 🙋🏻‍♀️

I also explained in my post that I am one of five, with a well-meaning and loving but horribly overwhelmed mum and a dad that worked every hour he could because they needed the money because five children.

The post I have quoted nails it completely and far more eloquently than I could ever explain it.

I love my parents but it does make me quite angry when I think about it.

I agree that no one should be having more children than they can actually cope with.

However, plenty of people find parenting hard at times and have some struggles.

My friend would moan about how difficult it could be to a be a parent when she had two children. Should I not have been allowed to have a moan when I found things a bit stressful because I have five?

She made that choice to have two children after all. She could have stopped at one.

I could more than cope with five children, but there are times for every parent when things can be a bit of a struggle.

The dislike for larger families is probably because it is different. With the odd exception, a lot of people like conformity, so two children, a boy and a girl, is seen as the 'ideal', and anything else is just messy.

Personally, I have no issue with families of any kind, providing that everyone is loved, cared for, and is safe and happy.

The fact that your interpretation of that thread is so skewed would indicate that perhaps you have a tendency to see shadows and interpret things incorrectly in Rl re people’s stance to big families

Noone has anything against large families per se provided that the parents are capable of providing and taking care of all the children properly.