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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Insecure women force men to lie

210 replies

Harrypitty · 09/09/2025 14:06

My girlfriend is very insecure, I love her and support her in this the best I can. For info I have no history of cheating/lieing etc

however it’s really hard to tell the truth to an insecure woman as they ask what I consider to be stupid questions they don’t really want the answer to and will only fuel their insecurity.

I have dozens of examples but heres the latest.

my ex-wife ( of 5 years who I rarely speak to but am on reasonable good terms with, Who also lives with my grown up children), asks to borrow some party decorations I have in my loft.
I don’t have an issue with this but if I mention it to my girlfriend all hell will break loose. If I say no then my kids will call up saying I’m being selfish as it’s their party too etc.
so now I have to lie to my girlfriend and sneak the box’s over there when she’s not around.

now you may say” just tell her”, I can assure you beyond any doubt that this will cause a massive row where I will be accused of 1/ loving her more then me, 2/always (!) doing things for her 3/ will probably shag her when I’m there. Etc etc

i guess this the curse of having an insecure girlfriend (who I’ve finally convinced into counselling).

anyway I don’t know why I’m posting other than to say to all you lovely women that you need to have trust in your partners and maintain that trust unless of course its broken.

being insecure and controlling will only manifests your own fears and your partner will be forced (by you) to sneak around for fear of hurting you.

for purpose of debate if you think I should tell her vote “you are being unreasonable”.

OP posts:
vincettenoir · 09/09/2025 16:07

I don’t think this issue is as gendered as you have described. The problem is that your partner is an insecure person. She doesn’t sound well suited to be in a relationship with someone with kids from a previous relationship. At least they’re adults so hopefully the impact on them is minimal.

GreyPearlSatin · 09/09/2025 16:08

Harrypitty · 09/09/2025 14:42

Just for clarification I have never lied in my 18 month relationship and had to put on a hard hat every time.

I am now contemplating this as a true first but it’s very draining when you can’t be open and honest in a relationship without constantly being belittled, shouted at and unjustly accused of things that arn’t true.

OP, you clearly have no boundaries and don't know how to say no. A lot of women can relate to this.

However, this is your problem to solve. If you can't learn to say no, you need to get therapy. If a relationship doesn't work for you, you need to end it. Is the behavior of some of the people in your life unreasonable? Possibly. But you going along with it is your own responsibility. You don't control other people's behavior, but they don't control yours either.

You need to start to take accountability for your life and the people you allow in it, not blame one half of the human race for your lack of a back bone.

InMyShowgirlEra · 09/09/2025 16:10

Fluffypotatoe123987 · 09/09/2025 15:47

You say
Barbara has asked to borrow decs in loft. For their party. Benefits kids so going to get them out n when kids come over they will take them over.

Oh he doesn't need advice, he just wants to let us know that all of us are causing the problem in his ill-advised relationship, with our insecurities and low self-esteem. I, for one, will be sorting myself out immediately and hope that this contributes to his future happiness with his girlfriend.

LadyBracknellsHandbagg · 09/09/2025 16:13

Harrypitty · 09/09/2025 14:06

My girlfriend is very insecure, I love her and support her in this the best I can. For info I have no history of cheating/lieing etc

however it’s really hard to tell the truth to an insecure woman as they ask what I consider to be stupid questions they don’t really want the answer to and will only fuel their insecurity.

I have dozens of examples but heres the latest.

my ex-wife ( of 5 years who I rarely speak to but am on reasonable good terms with, Who also lives with my grown up children), asks to borrow some party decorations I have in my loft.
I don’t have an issue with this but if I mention it to my girlfriend all hell will break loose. If I say no then my kids will call up saying I’m being selfish as it’s their party too etc.
so now I have to lie to my girlfriend and sneak the box’s over there when she’s not around.

now you may say” just tell her”, I can assure you beyond any doubt that this will cause a massive row where I will be accused of 1/ loving her more then me, 2/always (!) doing things for her 3/ will probably shag her when I’m there. Etc etc

i guess this the curse of having an insecure girlfriend (who I’ve finally convinced into counselling).

anyway I don’t know why I’m posting other than to say to all you lovely women that you need to have trust in your partners and maintain that trust unless of course its broken.

being insecure and controlling will only manifests your own fears and your partner will be forced (by you) to sneak around for fear of hurting you.

for purpose of debate if you think I should tell her vote “you are being unreasonable”.

Is this a joke?

amicisimma · 09/09/2025 16:13

I wonder why she feels insecure ...

Bloozie · 09/09/2025 16:18

My husband's best friend lived with a very jealous, insecure woman for a while and while he tried his very very best to give her the reassurance she needed and never gave her any reason not to trust him, in the end he found the walking on eggshells and the lies of omission too much. Like you, he probably wouldn't tell her if he was lending the mother of his children something that his children would benefit from, because it would cause days of tears and arguments that bore no relation to the 5 minutes it would take to drop them off.

My husband's friend was his best man and so she came to our wedding and spent the whole evening crying in the toilets and arguing with him, because she thought another wedding guest fancied him. Whether they did or didn't, he didn't even speak to that guest, she was on a different table during the meal and he was a very dutiful best man before, during and after the ceremony and dinner had taken place - he just wasn't flirting with guests.

He booked a holiday with my husband, and she booked a break on the adjacent island the same week, so they could meet up (she could spy on him).

He wasn't allowed to go on nights out without her, and if he did, she'd make it so miserable before, during and after, sulking and crying and messaging him, that he stopped wanting to go.

His girlfriend had therapy, she understood her behaviour wasn't acceptable, but she couldn't stop, and he was exhausted with the constant cycle of days of shouting and sulking followed by her apologies. He ended the relationship even though he loved her to bits.

So I don't think YABU to lie, but I do think YABU to post about it here - it's not us with the psychotic jealousy - and in all honesty, I'd fast forward to the ending the relationship part, because she's very controlling, and isn't even in control of that controlling behaviour.

hungrypanda4 · 09/09/2025 16:19

Surely if you know it upsets your gf just say ‘no’ to borrowing the decorations? Why do you care more about appeasing your ex wife than making your current gf feel secure in the relationship?

whatwouldlilacerullodo · 09/09/2025 16:20

No, you have to leave her. Her insecurity is her problem to solve.

vincettenoir · 09/09/2025 16:20

hungrypanda4 · 09/09/2025 16:19

Surely if you know it upsets your gf just say ‘no’ to borrowing the decorations? Why do you care more about appeasing your ex wife than making your current gf feel secure in the relationship?

Are you the gf?

MyDeftDuck · 09/09/2025 16:20

It does seem very sad that she is potentially driving a wedge between you and your adult children…….why not simply arrange for one of them to drop by and borrow the party decorations?
I'm afraid your GF does need to stop being quite so controlling OP and you need to stop wrapping her up in psychological cotton wool. Isn’t it enough that you are a couple, you’re together, outside influences will only mar this if you each allow them to.

DiscoBob · 09/09/2025 16:23

We don't come on here to get life advice from random blokes. Especially not ones seemingly in woeful sounding relationships.

Your wife is insecure. That's nothing to do with any of us is it? Maybe try and help her or split up. But lay off lecturing us and telling us we are all like your wife.

Your solution is just to lie to her which is never a good long term way of going about a relationship.

SerafinasGoose · 09/09/2025 16:26

corlan · 09/09/2025 15:32

Thanks for your patronising post Here's a tip for you - spend a bit less time trying to educate the female population at large and you'll have more time to sort out your shitty relationship at home.
Glad to help!

👏👏👏

MrsDoubtfire1 · 09/09/2025 16:28

I am sorry but if you are d'un certain age, with grown up children, you really should think about your future with this woman. Are you really happy to go into old age with a partner who does not trust you? I would be heading for the hills. Also, there are many women who carry men through the marriage because the men just don't cut the mustard. It can be said for both genders.

thereneverwasacloudyday · 09/09/2025 16:28

Just end the relationship, it's not healthy

AmericanPaint · 09/09/2025 16:32

I was a bit like you described at 19.
She’s not 19 is she op??!!

But I agree. Tell her. Set boundaries. Deal with the behaviour or leave. Otherwise, when she does find out you’ve lied, she’ll have a point.

BabyBadaBing · 09/09/2025 16:32

So assuming you are an adult - surely you can decide this is not a good relationship without women telling you?

Clearly you have had a relationship before?

saltylindor · 09/09/2025 16:33

No you aren't being forced to lie OP you are choosing to lie to make your life easier. If you had a backbone you'd speak to her honestly and if your girlfriend is so emotionally fragile that lending decorations to your ex for the sake of your kids causes a fight then she's obviously got some serious work to do before she can have a serious adult relationship. However with your refusal to take any responsibility for your own actions it seems you are both as problematic as the other and therefore deserve each other.

noidea69 · 09/09/2025 16:37

this is definitely a reverse

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 09/09/2025 16:38

Marblecase · 09/09/2025 15:26

If we had an ‘idiot classics’ this should go there. This is an issue in your relationship- not an issue with women that you need to intervene and solve.

please go away

"If we had an ‘idiot classics’ this should go there."

Indeed, this is a serious contender for the Idiot Classics.

Digdongdoo · 09/09/2025 16:41

Lying would be your choice and you should need to own it, not blame her. But if she's that insecure you should grow up and end it.
Absolute sexist twat.

Mauvehoodie · 09/09/2025 16:41

You've only been together 18 months, I assume no DC. This is the test period where you decide IF you want to be together long term. It's not working, just end it rather than expecting her to change, convincing her to go to counselling etc. The trust has already gone (or was never there) on both sides.

Madreamigajefa2 · 09/09/2025 16:42

Why are you with her? What redeeming features are so wonderful that they make you seriously consider a life of constant arguments or constantly hiding/lying about innocuous things?
This isn't a woman thing, this is a Harry's girlfriend thing, and can happen to anyone, by anyone... And can escalate.

Bringmeahigherlove · 09/09/2025 16:49

What a weird post.

gannett · 09/09/2025 16:50

Actually cringed my face off at the OP.

The sad thing is that I don't disbelieve his actual post - it sounds like he's in a borderline-abusive relationship with a controlling woman. I would have sympathy for that but blaming all women just makes you sound like a twat (and a stupid one to think it'd go down like anything other than a cup of cold sick on here).

No one is forcing you, or any man, to lie. If your partner makes your life miserable because you tell the truth about innocuous things you owe it to yourself to leave her. That is advice I have given to many women and it applies to you too. I understand it is difficult to get out of abusive or controlling relationships; however, I am but a poster on the internet and I can't do it for you, this is something only you can do.

And don't blame "all women" for this shit ever again.

DoRayMeMeMe · 09/09/2025 16:53

Harrypitty · 09/09/2025 14:42

Just for clarification I have never lied in my 18 month relationship and had to put on a hard hat every time.

I am now contemplating this as a true first but it’s very draining when you can’t be open and honest in a relationship without constantly being belittled, shouted at and unjustly accused of things that arn’t true.

Why are you accepting this as the standard in the relationship though. Have you lost your self respect so completely that this is OK?

She sounds ghastly, and not able to be in a relationship.