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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Insecure women force men to lie

210 replies

Harrypitty · 09/09/2025 14:06

My girlfriend is very insecure, I love her and support her in this the best I can. For info I have no history of cheating/lieing etc

however it’s really hard to tell the truth to an insecure woman as they ask what I consider to be stupid questions they don’t really want the answer to and will only fuel their insecurity.

I have dozens of examples but heres the latest.

my ex-wife ( of 5 years who I rarely speak to but am on reasonable good terms with, Who also lives with my grown up children), asks to borrow some party decorations I have in my loft.
I don’t have an issue with this but if I mention it to my girlfriend all hell will break loose. If I say no then my kids will call up saying I’m being selfish as it’s their party too etc.
so now I have to lie to my girlfriend and sneak the box’s over there when she’s not around.

now you may say” just tell her”, I can assure you beyond any doubt that this will cause a massive row where I will be accused of 1/ loving her more then me, 2/always (!) doing things for her 3/ will probably shag her when I’m there. Etc etc

i guess this the curse of having an insecure girlfriend (who I’ve finally convinced into counselling).

anyway I don’t know why I’m posting other than to say to all you lovely women that you need to have trust in your partners and maintain that trust unless of course its broken.

being insecure and controlling will only manifests your own fears and your partner will be forced (by you) to sneak around for fear of hurting you.

for purpose of debate if you think I should tell her vote “you are being unreasonable”.

OP posts:
BigBirdOfPrey · 09/09/2025 14:46

if she finds out you brought them over & didn’t mention it, you make her worse!
It always comes out.

MyMilchick · 09/09/2025 14:47

Harrypitty · 09/09/2025 14:42

Just for clarification I have never lied in my 18 month relationship and had to put on a hard hat every time.

I am now contemplating this as a true first but it’s very draining when you can’t be open and honest in a relationship without constantly being belittled, shouted at and unjustly accused of things that arn’t true.

So why are you with her at all? Being with someone like that isn't gender specific fyi and if you feel you have to lie than you shouldn't be with her at all

Hoppinggreen · 09/09/2025 14:48

Harrypitty · 09/09/2025 14:42

Just for clarification I have never lied in my 18 month relationship and had to put on a hard hat every time.

I am now contemplating this as a true first but it’s very draining when you can’t be open and honest in a relationship without constantly being belittled, shouted at and unjustly accused of things that arn’t true.

so now I have to lie to my girlfriend and sneak the box’s over there when she’s not around.

So did you lie or not?

BigBirdOfPrey · 09/09/2025 14:48

Harrypitty · 09/09/2025 14:42

Just for clarification I have never lied in my 18 month relationship and had to put on a hard hat every time.

I am now contemplating this as a true first but it’s very draining when you can’t be open and honest in a relationship without constantly being belittled, shouted at and unjustly accused of things that arn’t true.

That relationship sounds like awful hard work 🙄

JustMyView13 · 09/09/2025 14:49

I’ve said YABU because this current GF isn’t for you. If you can’t be trusted (whether or not that’s justified), find someone who will trust you. But also, do not allow this current GF to be an excuse not to show up for your children. You’re a package. She takes & accepts it, or leaves it.
I guarantee when she finds out you’ve lied, it will only fuel her insecurity because - if there was nothing to lie about, you’d lie about nothing. Which is a reasonable position to take.
Her behaviour more generally, sounds unreasonable - taking what you’ve said at face value.

Instructions · 09/09/2025 14:49

No one is forcing you to lie. You choose to remain in a relationship with this person: why not just leave?

5128gap · 09/09/2025 14:50

Your partner doesn't make you lie. You lie because you lack the courage to tell her the truth. Whenever there's a potential source of conflict in a relationship you have three choices, comply, defy or lie. You are choosing the third from laziness and cowardice because it enables you to stay on the right side of both women. Find you spine and either tell your ex no, your partner wouldn't like it, or tell your partner you're going to do it and deal with the consequences. If she's so insecure the consequences are severe, then you should probably end the relationship.

PennySweeet · 09/09/2025 14:53

Your poor choice of girlfriend and lack of balls is what’s making you lie.

Tell her the truth and if she kicks off, dump her like you should’ve done a long time ago.

AmoozzBoosh · 09/09/2025 14:54

She's not forcing you to do anything. Take ownership of your actions for goodness sake.

Lying is your choice, your decision and it's on you - not her.

holyhol · 09/09/2025 14:54

I wonder how else his girlfriend forces him to behave?

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/09/2025 14:54

Harrypitty · 09/09/2025 14:42

Just for clarification I have never lied in my 18 month relationship and had to put on a hard hat every time.

I am now contemplating this as a true first but it’s very draining when you can’t be open and honest in a relationship without constantly being belittled, shouted at and unjustly accused of things that arn’t true.

You can't be in a relationship AT ALL when "constantly being belittled, shouted at and unjustly accused of things that arn’t true."

Leave.

Someone2025 · 09/09/2025 14:55

Harrypitty · 09/09/2025 14:06

My girlfriend is very insecure, I love her and support her in this the best I can. For info I have no history of cheating/lieing etc

however it’s really hard to tell the truth to an insecure woman as they ask what I consider to be stupid questions they don’t really want the answer to and will only fuel their insecurity.

I have dozens of examples but heres the latest.

my ex-wife ( of 5 years who I rarely speak to but am on reasonable good terms with, Who also lives with my grown up children), asks to borrow some party decorations I have in my loft.
I don’t have an issue with this but if I mention it to my girlfriend all hell will break loose. If I say no then my kids will call up saying I’m being selfish as it’s their party too etc.
so now I have to lie to my girlfriend and sneak the box’s over there when she’s not around.

now you may say” just tell her”, I can assure you beyond any doubt that this will cause a massive row where I will be accused of 1/ loving her more then me, 2/always (!) doing things for her 3/ will probably shag her when I’m there. Etc etc

i guess this the curse of having an insecure girlfriend (who I’ve finally convinced into counselling).

anyway I don’t know why I’m posting other than to say to all you lovely women that you need to have trust in your partners and maintain that trust unless of course its broken.

being insecure and controlling will only manifests your own fears and your partner will be forced (by you) to sneak around for fear of hurting you.

for purpose of debate if you think I should tell her vote “you are being unreasonable”.

Tell her, she needs to deal with it, if she wants to start an argument just walk away from it and don’t get involved…..not only does she sound ridiculously insecure and jealous, she sounds like a controlling bully…..she is trying to control you with her temper, why do you stay?

Epidote · 09/09/2025 14:55

It is not the insecurity bit affecting your relationship is the controlling aspect.
I would leave her and you know why? Because you will never make it right with someone like that.
If you tell the true, you don't love her, boundaries yada, yada yada. If you hide it, you are not to trust, you are controlling, you still love her, yada yada yada. If you openly lie, you are a lier, I can't trust you etc etc etc.
Good luck

holyhol · 09/09/2025 14:56

Username says it all

MyLittleNest · 09/09/2025 14:59

You've already taken the first step which it to be aware of the kind of woman you are with. You definitely should tell her how you feel, just as you should never have to sneak around or lie to keep her from having a meltdown. Constantly putting her emotional needs over your own or worrying about how she will react to something is toxic and unfair to you.

My mother is a deeply controlling and insecure person, and my father has lied, denied, defended, snuck around, bent over backwards to please her, and not spoken the name of his only son for decades because my brother didn't live up to my mother's standards and was disowned. My father then started expecting me and my husband to lie and deny and do all the things he has to do to keep my mother calm and content and in control because it makes his life easier.

The result? All of their children cut ties with them. My father lost all his children and grandchildren due to his inability to stand up to his wife. And the longer he enabled her, the worse she got.

I won't tell you what to do, but you might want to think about ending things now.

TheBucketWomen · 09/09/2025 15:00

Leave her. The relationship is toxic.

SirRaymondClench · 09/09/2025 15:01

You don't like women very much do you OP?

Maybe if you didn't lie about small things your girlfriend would trust you.

EstherGreenwood63 · 09/09/2025 15:02

Another bore... 🥱🤣

TheSixthBestOption · 09/09/2025 15:03

Harrypitty · 09/09/2025 14:42

Just for clarification I have never lied in my 18 month relationship and had to put on a hard hat every time.

I am now contemplating this as a true first but it’s very draining when you can’t be open and honest in a relationship without constantly being belittled, shouted at and unjustly accused of things that arn’t true.

Ah, so maybe what you meant to post was:

Don't be like me. I'm in a terrible relationship where my partner belittles me, shouts at me and falsely accuses me of things but instead of laying down boundaries or breaking up with her I thought I would come onto a women's forum and tell you all how you should behave in a relationship and accuse women in general of forcing men to lie and deceive.

CoffeeCupOnBreak · 09/09/2025 15:03

Katemax82 · 09/09/2025 14:21

I have an insecure husband so I feel your pain...it's fucking awful

Sorry to hear that. Must be quite hard to read this thread...

FairyMaclary · 09/09/2025 15:04

Op no one is forcing you to lie. No one is powerful enough to make you lie. You need to ask yourself why you feel it’s okay to lie in this situation. You appear to want to avoid the wrath of your ex, your kids and your girlfriend.

Are you confortable with confrontation?

If your girlfriend finds out you lied then how will that help her and your relationship (surely it will mean she trusts you less).

You need to decide if you don’t like confrontation - so you would prefer to lie. Or maybe it’s not the relationship for you if you feel you are choosing to betray your true values (honesty).

Personally I would sit down with her. Explain what is going on in your head and say this needs resolving. If it cannot be resolved then move on. Don’t betray your values. Your values are presumably important to you - you need to be happy with who you are.

When I read your op I thought the title should be either

Insecure girlfriend is forcing me to avoid confrontation?

or

Insecure girlfriend is so powerful she can make her honest boyfriend tell lies.

Its nonsense, she can’t make you do anything - but she may not be the lady for you.

BiologicalRobot · 09/09/2025 15:05

anyway I don’t know why I’m posting other than to say to all you lovely women that you need to have trust in your partners and maintain that trust unless of course its broken.

It's nothing to do with women being insecure but totally down to a lot of men being manipulative, lying tossers. Are you manipulative or a liar OP? 🤔

CatHairEveryWhereNow · 09/09/2025 15:05

Tell the truth and if you don't like the behaviour that ensues, leave her.

This.

Lying is just a mental strain - and likely to make trust issues worse.

Best in life to assume stuff will eventually come out so be upfront and if people then behave badly have less to do with them.

Duckyfondant · 09/09/2025 15:06

Come on now, don't lecture us because you've got a shit girlfriend

highstoolfling · 09/09/2025 15:07

Don’t you see you’re being controlled by her though? She’s manipulating you. Because she’s a woman she’s called insecure. If this was flipped and you were acting jealous you’d be called controlling and dividing her from her kids. Wake up and smell the toxicity. You’re dancing to her tune.

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