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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Insecure women force men to lie

210 replies

Harrypitty · 09/09/2025 14:06

My girlfriend is very insecure, I love her and support her in this the best I can. For info I have no history of cheating/lieing etc

however it’s really hard to tell the truth to an insecure woman as they ask what I consider to be stupid questions they don’t really want the answer to and will only fuel their insecurity.

I have dozens of examples but heres the latest.

my ex-wife ( of 5 years who I rarely speak to but am on reasonable good terms with, Who also lives with my grown up children), asks to borrow some party decorations I have in my loft.
I don’t have an issue with this but if I mention it to my girlfriend all hell will break loose. If I say no then my kids will call up saying I’m being selfish as it’s their party too etc.
so now I have to lie to my girlfriend and sneak the box’s over there when she’s not around.

now you may say” just tell her”, I can assure you beyond any doubt that this will cause a massive row where I will be accused of 1/ loving her more then me, 2/always (!) doing things for her 3/ will probably shag her when I’m there. Etc etc

i guess this the curse of having an insecure girlfriend (who I’ve finally convinced into counselling).

anyway I don’t know why I’m posting other than to say to all you lovely women that you need to have trust in your partners and maintain that trust unless of course its broken.

being insecure and controlling will only manifests your own fears and your partner will be forced (by you) to sneak around for fear of hurting you.

for purpose of debate if you think I should tell her vote “you are being unreasonable”.

OP posts:
Threesmycrowd · 09/09/2025 15:42

Oh, you! We are lovely women as well *blushes.

Thank you so much we (as a collective, insecure entity) will improve from now on! We just needed someone to say!

Glurgle · 09/09/2025 15:43

Skodacool · 09/09/2025 15:17

That’s a bit rich given that this is supposed to be a forum for questions and advice. OP is hardly telling women how to behave.

Show quote history

OP is specifically telling women how to behave.

Fluffypotatoe123987 · 09/09/2025 15:44

If my ex husband had party Dec's in my loft.
If get them out.
When the kids go they take them no involvement from me
Wouldn't lie about it id say it benefits kids im not going around why would I there isnt any need. Yep had an insecure man previously

Flakey99 · 09/09/2025 15:44

FFS this has nothing to do with ‘insecure women’ but a problem between you and your girlfriend. Sort yourself out and fuck off!

RedToothBrush · 09/09/2025 15:44

BEHOLD!

A Woman Scolder Because He Has Problems In His Own Relationship But Wants To Blame All Women For His Own Inability To Resolve It And To Blame Them For His Own Independent Decision To Lie.

Mate. Not our fucking fault and and not our fucking problem.

Take it up with the men who fucked her over in the past.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 09/09/2025 15:45

I was in a relationship a long time ago where I was very insecure. With hindsight I realised it was because I knew in my gut he was someone who was untrustworthy. It suited him to be honest with me but he'd have had no problem at all lying if that worked better. Bit like the OP really.

MyLittleNest · 09/09/2025 15:45

I am going to add to my earlier post here as it connects to the subject of your post.

You are not "forced" to do anything. As I mentioned, I went no contact with a father who was controlled by my abusive mother. The way I see it (and my therapist sees it) is that he made a CHOICE. He chose to lie, deny, defend, ignore, placate, etc. He chose to enable her behavior to keep the peace. And he expected everyone else to, as well.

i don't have a shred of respect for my father. I see him a deeply weak coward.

Despite your subject post, no one is making you lie but yourself. Take some responsibility for your part in this toxic dynamic and why you are choosing to participate in this relationship.

PoppysAunt · 09/09/2025 15:45

RedToothBrush · 09/09/2025 15:44

BEHOLD!

A Woman Scolder Because He Has Problems In His Own Relationship But Wants To Blame All Women For His Own Inability To Resolve It And To Blame Them For His Own Independent Decision To Lie.

Mate. Not our fucking fault and and not our fucking problem.

Take it up with the men who fucked her over in the past.

This, x 💯

RedToothBrush · 09/09/2025 15:45

Harrypitty · 09/09/2025 14:42

Just for clarification I have never lied in my 18 month relationship and had to put on a hard hat every time.

I am now contemplating this as a true first but it’s very draining when you can’t be open and honest in a relationship without constantly being belittled, shouted at and unjustly accused of things that arn’t true.

Cos every other woman in the world is forcing you to stay in this situation.

Okay mate.

kittykarate · 09/09/2025 15:46

Harrypitty · 09/09/2025 14:42

Just for clarification I have never lied in my 18 month relationship and had to put on a hard hat every time.

I am now contemplating this as a true first but it’s very draining when you can’t be open and honest in a relationship without constantly being belittled, shouted at and unjustly accused of things that arn’t true.

Do you consider your plan to 'sneak the decorations out' to be a lie?

Glurgle · 09/09/2025 15:46

Threesmycrowd · 09/09/2025 15:42

Oh, you! We are lovely women as well *blushes.

Thank you so much we (as a collective, insecure entity) will improve from now on! We just needed someone to say!

Thank God a man came to tell us where we were going wrong.

Fluffypotatoe123987 · 09/09/2025 15:47

You say
Barbara has asked to borrow decs in loft. For their party. Benefits kids so going to get them out n when kids come over they will take them over.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 09/09/2025 15:47

You don’t have to lie though.

You have choices. You can either:

  1. break up with anyone who is that controlling
  2. not do what your gf asks and tell her so
  3. do what she wants you to do (not recommended but you can do this)

Lying is only one of your options and I don’t think it is a good one.

MaurineWayBack · 09/09/2025 15:48

You’re as bad as each other tbh.

She is attempting to control situations through guilt tripping, manipulation and making you feel guilty.
You just show contempt associated with a huge feeling of superiority (she has ‘stupid’ questions etc…) as if you were the only same person in the house.

Both are a put off.

She is insecure, you react with contempt, she is feeling even more insecure.
Youre feeding your own insecurities to each other.

No one wins there.

Which means btw that YABU

ArabellaSaurus · 09/09/2025 15:51

Bless you, women of Mumsnet, for your clearsighted vision and forthrightness.

They hath spake, OP.

Away and sort out your life.

Gilead · 09/09/2025 15:51

Just fuck off mate, women don’t want to be schooled by some random on website.

MyrtleLion · 09/09/2025 15:53

Harrypitty · 09/09/2025 14:42

Just for clarification I have never lied in my 18 month relationship and had to put on a hard hat every time.

I am now contemplating this as a true first but it’s very draining when you can’t be open and honest in a relationship without constantly being belittled, shouted at and unjustly accused of things that arn’t true.

Then the issue is the jealousy shown by your current partner.

This will never go away and if you pander to.it, then it will get worse.

Honestly I would just leave.

NormaNormal · 09/09/2025 15:54

Flying business class | Mumsnet

Thepeopleversuswork · 09/09/2025 15:59

Read the room a bit, mate.

If you have been on here for five minutes you will know proclamations from men about how women should behave go down like a bucket of sick.

You might have a point but you lost any moral high ground when you tipped up and told us all what to do.

SquaredPaper · 09/09/2025 16:00

YellowRoom · 09/09/2025 14:10

Thanks for coming here to tell all women how to behave rather than dealing with the problems in your own relationship. If it's not working, break up.

Amen.

Zimunya · 09/09/2025 16:01

Nope. Nobody "forces" you to lie - you choose to lie. Also, nobody forces you to stay with a partner who clearly doesn't trust you - you choose to stay. These are all your choices.

Harrysmummy246 · 09/09/2025 16:03

A) what an odd thing to post on a site mainly used by women
B) that's not how a relationship should be, time to reconsider whether it's worth it

PersephonePomegranate · 09/09/2025 16:03

Get rid, she sounds ridiculous, then you won't be 'forced' into anything.

FYI there are insecure men too.

PersephonePomegranate · 09/09/2025 16:03

Get rid, she sounds ridiculous, then you won't be 'forced' into anything.

FYI there are insecure men too.

Vubui · 09/09/2025 16:05

No one is forcing you to lie - you're doing it to avoid a difficult situation, either from your girlfriend or your children.

You make your choice and deal with the outcome. Own it. That might involve emotion from either side, or a break up with your girlfriend, but either way no one is forcing you to do anything.