Huge row with neightbour, AIBU?

[Nikki3009]

Hi,

I moved into a small shared-ownership house on a new-ish build estate to get away from domestic abuse and I'm very thankful for my home, but tonight I have had an awful row with a neighbour, and I feel so upset.

Adjacent to my house, is a row of houses that are LHA - I want to preface this by saying that I have no issue with this, and I'm only putting in this detail because I think it's relevant. I'm not trying to throw shade on people in local authority housing.

When I moved in, one of the fence panels at the side of my house had a load of scaffolding poles leaning against it. The fence panel was buckling under the weight and bits of it were breaking off so I popped round to let them know (thinking it was their fence). The women basically said, it's your fence, your problem. But to give them their due they did remove the scaffolding poles. And I've not mentioned it since even though they've damaged it. I've just had to accept that it'll be down to me to replace it at some point.

They have 5 children, I think, and they are loud which you would expect but hearing them playing in the garden doesn't bother me. My garden is often very noisy because there are lots of houses in close proximity so I just don't use my garden very often.

The kids from this house are always kicking their balls into my garden and they'd come and knock at my door and I'd have a chat with them and then throw their balls back over. Or, if I found a ball in the garden I'd put it back over the fence for them. Again, no problem.

The issue started when I realised that the kids were coming into my garden whilst I was at work (my daughter caught them when she was staying). I think they were climbing over the fence onto my bin, because I noticed my bin lid was damaged one day and then the following day it was worse. The bin hadn't been moved, so I don't know how it had spontaneoulsly crumpled. When I tried to get a new bin my local council wanted to charge me for it, so in order to get a new bin I had to file a criminal damage report. The police did say they would go and speak to them, but I said not to worry as long as I got a new bin, it would be fine.

One day I was working from home, and I was on a teams call with a really high value client. I could hear the kids banging on my front door but I couldn't go and answer it. Then I heard them rattling my side gate and shouting 'oi we want our ball back'. I had to mute my call and ask them to stop shouting and that I'd be there when I could!

There's been lots of this sort of thing going on, it's irritating but nothing I've complained about. They flooded my side alley way by emptying their swimming pool at the bottom of their garden. They're (the parents) just generally just a bit laissez faire I think and don't really have any respect for their neighbours or their neighbours property.

Roll on this evening and I'm sitting in my lounge with my DD and all we can hear is the fence being smashed by a football. A bit later I'm doing a bit of clearing up and I go out to my side alley to take some rubbish and SMASH the ball hits the fence, the fence panel which is hanging on by a thread anyway looks like its going to fall on me.

I shouted "Excuse me, could you not hit the fence like that please". Now, I hold my hands up, I was stern when I said it but I think it was the shock of the noise. When they shouted back 'we're shooting goals', I replied 'perhaps you could move your goal'? I personally think the parents should be telling their children not to kick a football at their neighbours fence or am I just a bit old school?

The next thing I know, there is hammering at my front door and I mean absolute bashing my door. I wasn't going to answer it, but whoever it was, clearly wasn't going to stop. So I opened the door and it was the mum from the house adjacent to mine.

She shouted "who the fck do you think you are, if you've got a problem you come to my door, you don't speak to my children". It was so aggressive, so I said hold on, the kids are smashing a ball into the fence. And she said "you and that fcking fence....just because you're too tight to f*cking fix it". So, I said why should I pay to fix the damage you caused? And then she went a bit mental.

I thought she was going to hit me. The women's husband had come along and he was holding her back! I was really trying to calmly explain to him why I had said something.

She was going ballistic screaming and shouting about the fence being damaged before I even moved in and so I said well they've damaged it even more by climbing over it to get into my garden. She said 'what's your problem with them getting their ball back"? I said, because if I'm not here, they don't have permission to come onto my property. She laughed and said 'Oh you're a fat fucking bitch". At which point my daughter got involved and told her to f*ck off.

I made my daughter go inside, she was so angry, but she's seen me being verbally abused by her Dad so many times that I think it just triggered her.

The women then said that the kids don't climb over the fence, they come in at the side gate (which I do leave unlocked when it's bin day). She was sneering at me, saying they're just kids, whats the problem. She's lived there 8 years and never had any problems until I moved it (what?)

I was mortified by all the shouting and screaming on the street. I was having a reasonable conversation with her husband but even as she was walked off she shouted "I'm going to tell them to kick your fence even harder".

I feel a bit gaslit...am I being unreasonable? How would you feel if strangers' kids just came into your garden when they felt like it? How would you feel about your fence being used as goal and being damaged? Maybe I'm not cut out for being in close proximity to people with younger kids.

And the 'f•cking fat b*tch' comment has just brought back so many horrible memories of all the verbal abuse and the constant put downs. I kow I'm overweight (I'm a menopausal woman, size 16 and struggling to shift the meno weight). I just didn't really need that being sceamed in my face in my safe space. My daughter got it on video and I'm so tempted to make a police complaint, but I don't want to make things any worse.

What would you do in my situation? I don't want any animosity. Clearly she has different ideas of being neighbourly, respecting neighbours property etc.

I'd been feeling so good recently, I'm having CBT, I'm trying to re-build my life and this has made me feel so small and I'm embarrassed because I'm sure the other neighbours heard it all.

Thank you for listening and letting me vent... xx

Your neighbour sounds awful, and I’m sure all the other neighbours know exactly what she’s like. She may not have had any complaints before, but probably only because people could see she was a foul mouthed lazy bully.

Can you keep your bin in your garden so that they can’t use it to climb over?

How high are the fences? If not already can you replace them with 6ft panels? Is she literally next door, or is there a space between your properties?

If you have footage clearly showing your neighbour behaving in a threatening manner, then I would probably report it to the Police online. Even if you don't want any action taken at the moment, it may be a good idea to have it recorded in case things escalate.

I wonder if it might be worth trying to calm the waters a bit, and having a quiet chat with the husband if you can catch him on his own? I know I would feel uncomfortable living in such close proximity to someone with this much anger towards me. I'd probably tell him that I was sorry things got so out of hand with his wife and that I'm happy to return balls to their kids, but I'm not comfortable with them coming onto my property uninvited, particularly as it has already resulted in damage.

When people like this go off on one, they will clutch at anything to make you feel shit. Calling someone a “fat bitch” is classic. Please don’t let her loss of control upset you.

I would install cameras. What a nightmare! I think whatever you do now it will just escalate until the unmanaged children grow tired of being in the garden. They will probably turn to racing their cars in and out of your street then!

Please log it with the police and the HA.

Sorry you've got a scummy woman for a neighbour x

Complain to the HA this isn't on at all

I am always very critical of home owners who try to resolve their personal diffculties with tenants by contacting the landlord. However in your case you tried to resolve this by speaking to the neighbour one to one and she was potentially violent and verbally abusive. I would contact the housing officer of the HA and make a complaint about the trespass, verbal abuse and (potential) damage to your property. Tell the HA that you would prefer not to take "further action" and try to enlist his/her help in dealing with the anti social behaviour.

The HA are not going to evict the tenant because the bar for proving anti social behaviour is (rightly) set very high. You cant evict someone for calling their neighbour a fat fucking bitch, However she has threatened to escalate the action and further damage your property and trespass. Thye HA can let her know a complaint has been made and refer her to her lease. This may scare her a bit.

In the meantime I would think about a fence of maximum heigt on your side of the boundary and a sturdy lock for your gate. I would also place a restriction of how often balls were returned. When I had balls coming over from next door my nephew would collect them once a week and throw them into the street because we "did not knowwho they belonged to." So they were up for grabs by any kids who happened to be about.

Sending a big hug OP, I have had a vile neighbour screaming in my face on my doorstep and it is just horrible. Your home is supposed to be your safe space and she has violated this. People who have not lived next to neighbours like this don't realise how much it affects you and eats away at your wellbeing.

On a practical level I would log this with the police. If you don't she will think you are a pushover. She threatened you on your doorstep and that is not on. The police won't likely do much if anything but at least there is a record of the incident. I made the mistake of not reporting the screaming threatening neighbour after a similar incident where her kids had spent hours kicking a ball at my living room wall. I finally snapped and went out and told them to stop and that's when she appeared screaming and ranting at me.

After her rant and threats on my doorstep she actually called the police on me saying I had terrified her kids and sworn at them - both of which was totally untrue, the little shits just laughed at me. Fortunately the police just dropped the whole matter as neither of us could prove what actually happened, but in your case your daughter witnessed the incident. Anyway I hope you work something out and regain some peace of mind. I now live in the country and my neighbours are cows (of the mooing variety). Much prefer them to human neighbours 😉

Cameras - front, back and down the side of the house. Gather evidence that they are entering your property without permission and damaging it. Then call the police and ask that they are charged with trespass, made accountable for damaged fence and any antisocial behaviour caught on camera.

@Nikki3009 Oh dear OP, I'm so sorry you have the neighbours from hell living next door. I would:

• Log the incident with the Police and the Housing Association, but tell them it's for information only at this stage;
• Get a Ring-type door-bell for your front door and a CCTV camera for your back garden;
• Move your bin to the other side of the garden so her kids can't use it to get over your fence;
• Gather up all the balls they kick into your garden and take them inside. Return them once a week, say on a Monday, by throwing them back over the fence (and if they knock your door on any other day to ask for them back, don't answer the door);
• When you can afford it, have a new fence erected on your side of the old one, but keep the old one in situ' to protect the new one from damage from them kicking balls.

Good luck OP - YANBU and I hope that nasty piece of work leaves you alone in future. 🤗

Definitely report her ri the police and local council.

Rough as fuck and won’t ever see reason. I’d probably just keep my head down until I could move (or they move). In the meantime, build a big high fence and plant some hedge. move your bins so they can’t climb on them.

Unfortunately, the police don't deal with trespass - that's a civil matter.

I've been in the same situation. I moved after 2 years because it escalated and I didn't feel safe in my home. If you logged complaints it had to be declared to future buyers which would likely put them off. I'd check if that's still the case, because you may end up wanting to move just to get peace if things continue as nothing else can be done to stop this and worse behaviour. I'm sorry you're going through this, it's truly horrible when you're already trying to find peace after DV.

I’d report her to the police and I would report every single thing she does to her housing authority

I know how you’re feeling. You must’ve felt so shaken by that.

Let them know “the cameras” picked up her aggressive behaviour and any more of that will be reported.Take care.x

I had a falling out with a neighbor once who also went to great lengths to tell me that she’d lived in that street for 20 years and never had any trouble until I came along. Anyway, as the months went by and I spoke to other residents, it turned out that she’d fallen out with most people! Don’t take anything she says at face value x

Can you afford cameras? I’d install them. Also log log the incident with police /LHA.

Up until all of the abuse, I was going to suggest that you can just find solutions. When I was a kid we lived in a tight garden and the balls got kicked over fences quite a bit. One of our neighbors just left a side gate open, and we would quietly go in and get the ball back.

I know you have no obligation to do that, but with kids living close by, sometimes its the easier option.

The fence is a hard one, because if it is yours, you fix it.. doesn't matter that they damaged it because they are unreasonable and you said you didn't want to get the law involved (yet). Unreasonable people can't be reasoned with.

But, then after the abuse/reaction from the mum - none of that really matters. Call the police, show them the video of the threatening behavior, and tell the neighbor that you will live next to them, but you want nothing to do with them. If they come on to your property you will call the police again, Any damage will be reported etc.

Best case, you live there ignoring each other, and pretending each other doesn't exist. That is what I've seen happen multiple times with my family in the UK. Neighbors can't resolve problems, so after blow-ups and arguments they all just kind of ignore each other.

her kids are breaking the law by entering your garden without permission (trespassing) which can be reported to police. you can contact lha or council and report her for anti social behavior. i would get a lock on the gate fix fence and have nothing they can climb on to get into the garden. i would if possible move as tbh it wont get any better

Trespass is a civil offence and nothing to do with the police - they deal with criminal offences.

Put up cctv cameras onto your garden and your garden alone.

put in a ring doorbell

dont engage if they come to the door

make sure your bin is not that side of the garden to climb over

you can report trespassing to police if it involves criminal activity, aggravated trespass, criminal damage or threatening behavior.so if she is being threatened she can report to the police 👮

I got really cheap cameras from Amazon which just link to the Wi-Fi and an app. Very easy to use and clear as day. Film her and her delightful children. She sounds appalling.