Am I overreacting or is this a red flag?

[amibeingaknob]

So I have extremely lovely boyfriend - whom I am deeply in love with and he is with me (or so he says). Its quite early doors (6 months) but we have been spending lots of time together and very quickly into each other iykwim. He basically lives at my place of late. Im making that point because in the past 8 years of dating I have never gotten this close this quickly and its extremely lovely. I believed he was the one tbh after quite the time looking (Im 51 - past shitbox of a marriage).

Anyway, his previous girlfriend who he told me all about. He was in love with her , but she cheated on him with her childs father, he dumped her (but took some time to get over her), and they remained in touch as 'friends' (that part I don't get cos they didn't see each other just chatted a bit on text I think), and he said she spent about a year trying to get him back. He always said he wasnt interested, and she is with someone else. She was due to get married now.

This was all I really knew and I wasn't interested cos not my business. I did think it was odd they were facebook friends but he said they barely talk so I just didn't worry, cos we spend all our time together and its all good. HOWEVER, this weekend he started telling me how she is single, the wedding didnt happen she has been posting about how devo she is, how she has been treated so badly. I asked a bit more and he showed me that she had messaged him an old lovely dovey picture of them together in June with a 'how sad' and a sad emoji. Theres been no contact since - or so it seems - but they are still friends of facebook.

It made me feel very very insecure, threatened and panicky. I went quiet, and he reacted really lovingly telling me how sorry I was, how much he loved me, he wasn't interested in her - yada yada, and that he would unfriend. I said a woman you were once in love with, and pursued you for a year, sent you a very obvious 'i want you back' message just 2 months ago and is now newly single!!!! And we were together then. I asked how he would feel if it were him, he said he would hate it. I said I would never tell someone what to do, but I do not want to EVER feel insecure and jealous again - its a hideous awful emotion and I don't deserve to feel it. I said I didn't want to talk about it anymore, and he can do with that information what he wants. Obviously I wanted him to have unfriended and blocked her but I have checked today and they are still friends on there.

I just feel the whole thing is immature and just not something I want any part of. Im 51 ffs and Im checking someones facebook friends, its just not me, I hate it. Its put me right off tbh. I don't want to feel this teen angst knot in my stomach. Up until now, it felt like such a healthy, secure love. So different from my marriage which was awful. This has been exactly what I wanted and needed. But I just feel there is this woman out there, newly single and heartbroken, who is now going to go hellbent on pursuing my fella. And worse - he is just still facebook friends with her - and they aren't even bloody friends! I find that baffling and disrespectful. It makes me feel maybe he enjoys the attention from her? He is getting something out of it surely, because he doesn't want to be with her (allegedly). I dunno my gut is saying he wants her chasing. I really don't want a bar of this dynamic though. Apart from this, he makes me incredibly happy and I haven't felt this way in years!

So am I just completely overreacting, being a jealous knob and worrying about nothing and ruining something completely fabulous because Ive been fucked over in the past? Or is this something to worry about?

TIA

"On reflection bf, I would feel more comfortable if you could unfriend her"

I really really really don't want to do that. I want him to want to do that. Am I being an arse though? I just don't want to be controlling. And I want him to think (as I would) 'this is making my other half feel insecure, and its disrespectful so Im unfriending'. I just would block any ex who did that crap (and have, cos ex husband does it all the time - some go into my email spam folder).

Are you sure you’re 51 and not 15 op. What a load of drama over nothing.

And while you’re at it, slow the hell down on this relationship!

The whole thing sounds like a red flag tbh - including being ‘deeply in love’ and basically living together at 6 months.

It really shouldn’t be as complicated.

I’d move on, to be honest

I’d be uncomfortable with that but, them not being Facebook friends don’tb they still can’t text/message

If you asked him to stop staying over at yours on a regular basis where would he go?

Why obsess over the unfriending? He’ll block her and they’ll just move the flirting to whatsapp .
Ultimately you don’t trust him and he’s enjoying being in demand, ask yourself if there’s a future for you both?

He has his own flat. We just like spending a lot of time together.

I appreciate those saying im acting 15 - thats my point. Im too old for this shit! I was happy when I felt secure. This feels just really weird and off.

Quite honestly this sounds ridiculous on all sides. You are being passive aggressive in refusing to say outrigt tha tyou don't want himt o be facebook friends with her and expecting her to prove he loves you by deleting her.

He is being very silly by keeping in touch with this woman. And frankly, it makes me question is story about her having an affair.

You are all being very immature by letting this play out on facebook.

You are being naive by letting him move in so soon after you started dating.

Couldn't read the wall of text but this is your red flag

He basically lives at my place of late.

Its been 6months... why is he installing himself in your house - is he paying the food and utilities hes using?

Yes, waaay too far too fast. Move him out of your house, and put the brakes on. You don't trust him, he sounds like a bit of an idiot, and his ex is making puppyish 'come hither' eyes at him.

He took 3 months of your relationship to do the reveal, so something has been going on in the interim. This one is a run, don't walk.

Well he could for sure. He is on his phone with me all the time. I did trust him. But him just being ok with her pursuing him feels wrong. Feels v. disrespectful. Now it seems like shes been jilted or near enough, and apparently lots of woe is me facebook posts, i expect she will start pursuing him more.

I think its a dick move to allow that. I have that from my ex. I don't allow it though.

Yeh I don't do facebook because it all seems rather cringe - so this stuff is making my skin crawl.

I possibly am being passive aggressive. I just dont' want to order someone to do something.

He hasn't moved in. He has his own place. We just spend a lot of time together, which has built over time, and yes he contributes in every way, housework included.

Is this pleasant for you op?

as in are you enjoying this?

im single and one thing I absolutely love about it is the blissful peaceful of it. There’s just no negativity or worrying does he/doesn’t he. I doubt I would find any relationship more pleasant than being single.

but that’s me. What about you? Are you enjoying this drama?

tbh he hasn’t done anything wrong as far as I could fathom from the op. Literally nothing. And yet you’re wringing your hands.

Sounds like he’s playing both sides. Why is he even discussing her with you? I am completely with you on this, I’d feel terrible.

protect yourself trust your instincts that’s what they’re there for.

I wouldn’t give him an ultimatum either. I would tell him it’s over. If he really loves you he’ll fight for you if he doesn’t then you still have your self respect in tact.

You’re far too good for this

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You shouldn't be second guessing yourself this much in a healthy relationship - ESPECIALLY not only a few months in.

How rude if you don’t have something supportive to say then shut up

I’m not sure you were that secure before if all it took was one message from another person to derail it.

My DH’s ex wife could message him saying she missed him after years of no contact, or Taylor Swift could message him asking if he fancied a date and I wouldn’t be in a tailspin like this. I am secure in the relationship to know he isn’t going entertain unsolicited offer.

Now I’d feel differently if he messaged his ex wife to say he missed her, or if he messaged Taylor asking for a date (this would be an ick thing though, not because he has a chance 😂) I would be reconsidering the relationship.

OP, I am a similar age to you with a partner of 4 years, very similar relationship. Something happened early on in our relationship; his ex posted something on Facebook which put me on a temporary alert! She lives overseas so I knew there was no way that anything was going on but she clearly wanted to cause trouble (which it did but very briefly).

I don't think you have anything to worry about. Maybe he does enjoy the attention but she is definitely a trouble-maker best ignored. Hopefully this will be the last you'll hear of it.

Sorry what reveal? Im confused. You mean about the picture from June?

He told me about her all along. We both talked about our exes. He only just told me/showed me the june message she sent. But she was with her fiancee and due to get married then so imagine how she is gonna be now!

I don't think he wants to be with her, but I do think he wants the attention. Its the only explanation really. Which gives me the massive ick.

She sounds very needy and fickle, bouncing from one bloke to the next. Is it clear on Facebook that he's in a relationship? I agree that it's cringe, but maybe a couple pic (with you obvs) as his profile pic, put his status as "in a relationship" (if that's still a thing). If he wanted to be with her, he would be. He's fended her off previously without any problem. Just watch out for any "damsel in distress" routine. Being Facebook friends doesn't really mean anything on its own.

I had a horrid awful marriage that ended 8 years ago. Like you, Ive thoroughly enjoyed being single and despite dating a little never really liked anyone. I really was at the point of just giving up and enjoying single life forever. Then I met him, and tbh I have been incredibly happy. Because for the first time ever I have felt in love but its been healthy - no angsting, no up and downs, no insecurities, just really lovely. So I totally hear you! Thats why I want to run for the hills (maybe a tad dramatic, lol) because like you I dont want to feel any drama ever again. The feeling of things just being off, feeling jealous and insecure and a bit worried made me just want to go straight back to single life. I jsut don't need it yanno?

Interesting you think he hasn't done anythign wrong. Maybe it doesn't matter, i just didn't like the unsettled feelz. I need total calm.

You've told him you don't like him being friendly with his ex, so there's not much more you can do. If you can't take him at his word that there's nothing to it, it's going to be a problem whether he unfriends her or not, there are other ways of them being in touch. If you and he are spending all your time together, he's not spending it with her. Just try to relax and enjoy yourself with him if it's destined to last it will and if not it's been good. If he prefers her nothing you can do, but it doesn't really seem like he does and he definitely can't trust her to be faithful.