I've decided to be a mediocre wife

[Malara]

I've given up trying to get my partner to do better with sharing the mental load. He has improved a bit but I'm exhausted from having to be the family safety net when it comes to making sure everyone's needs are met.

So I decided this morning that I'm going to be a mediocre wife. I'm not going to anticipate other people's needs, I'll do things when asked - maybe even reminded a few times. I might not do them very well but that's ok, right? I'm deleting all my to do lists.

Is this a reasonable reaction to reaching the end of the line? ( I'm aware divorce is somewhere in our future).

I have always been a mediocre wife... Everyone steps up... Win win

I cover the mental load for my children and myself. I leave DH to do his own mental load and that includes anything relevant to his family.

Totally reasonable

Me too!

YANBU, he’s clearly being a mediocre husband so fair is fair. You incurring a mental load to try to get him to bear his share of the mental load doesn’t work, does it?!

Indeed... I don't do anything related to his family... Presents, organising catch ups etc. His family have mostly learned (together 20 years now) not to come to me.

You're going to find life so much easier, OP.
Does your DH have many people to buy for, account for at Christmas and birthdays?

Mediocre partners don’t care 😂😂

good on you op. I wish this worked better with teens.

Oh I wish I'd done this from the off, might not be divorced now. So many women start off trying to prove their worth and being super partners, and end up embittered when it's not reciprocated.

Yep! I decided this early on and we are happy and thriving! When I go back to work I’ll spend money on a cleaner, but for the past 4 years our house has been safe but never all clean at once (bar the one time clean we paid for). There is always food because of young kids, and “his” products only get bought if he tells me in time. I don’t pick up his slack anywhere and it’s fine

When you say you’re aware divorce is in your future, is that your final decision or if he stepped up would you be happy to try to make the marriage work (it’s just curiosity as we’re heading towards divorce but it’s because I didn’t realise anything was wrong until it was too late and now I’m not willing to keep going when he’s obviously checked out, if he’d tried to make it work I’d have strongly considered trying)

you might find he picks it up himself but if he doesn’t it’s for him to suffer/sort out.

Like others I don’t do anything relating to his family and they all know to contact DH not me if there’s anything to be arranged. Very few now get cards or presents and I have made it very clear this is because DH chooses not to buy them and is nothing to do with me as all my family get lovely gifts and cards. I also off loaded our DCs’ sport onto DH. I came off all WhatsApp /email groups and told him it was up to him to manage. DS2 nearly lost his place on his team after DH forgot to pay subs and DS1 got told off for turning up to a match in the wrong kit but eventually he stepped up and now does it all - annual subs, registering with the governing body, kit, sorting lift shares to matches etc. the freedom I felt knowing I have literally nothing to do with it is quite liberating.

Perfectly reasonable.

Some years ago DH had a few medical issues and the result was it affected his memory. It wasn't his fault and he is aware it causes issues.

However, after a few years of trying to pick-up the slack in order to avoid him feeling shit for forgetting things he would have previously remembered, I reached the point where I was getting overwhelmed.

So now I don't.

Some things get forgotten. It's life. I do keep on top of the important stuff and I don't worry about the rest.

"I forgot, nevermind" is a familiar phrase.

No one has died.

At least no one else will notice you and think "she's a good sort"

Not so much with DH, but from being in Yr8 I never read any emails or correspondence from their school. Never signed their weekly planners. Neither did I join any parent WhatsApp group. DH and I were even nonplussed at having to sit through an entire 3 hr award ceremony to watch DD2 spend 10 seconds on stage accepting the maths prize.

No one died. And my life was 75% less stressful as a result. I was such a very mediocre School Parent.

I did this. I stopped doing anything for him and it highlighted how little he actually tries or cares because he didn’t start doing it himself. As of a week ago I called it quits completely.

YANBU, but why do things when asked (even for the fourth time 😂)? Just keep saying "Yeah, we could do with doing that, feel free when you have a minute."

Welcome to Club Mediocre. I’d highly recommend taking an extra module in Zero Fucks Given. I have little sympathy with women who moan about so much ironing / cleaning / life admin. Our mothers weren’t running their arses ragged trying to keep up with school correspondence, were they. Tinternet has in many ways made life difficult much more complicated and I’m no longer in the mood for playing.

Yup. Told him some years ago that I’m his wife, not his mother. Some things I do for him at my expense because I love him so dearly and deeply and I want to make his life better and easier. Some shit I point blank refuse, and either he does them or nobody does. It’s not even a thing any more. This is just the way we are and everyone’s happy with it.

Hola friends. This is my kind of club. I do specifically nothing for mine. I cook and shop for the family which he benefits from, I clean, which ditto. But I don’t do his life admin. I don’t buy presents, I don’t remember birthdays, I don’t make his lunch for work. So much easier and less resentful.

He comes from a family where they don't do much of that but I cringe when he forgets for people who are friends of the family but more his friends.

No more!

I’ve always tried to be mediocre, I saw my mum doing everything for my dad and thought f*ck that!

Don’t forget to mention every time you’ve done a task and then wait for the appropriate praise.

Are you talking about birthdays etc?

I printed off a list of family/friends birthdays a few years ago and it's on the side of the fridge. I refer to it quite often to keep on top of my family and friends, and I will say "Maude's birthday is due soon" or similar, but I don't actually do anything about it.

It's a good strategy. I do it when I can, does help with the resentment, although there's still quite a lot of that. But not as much as there would have been.