I've decided to be a mediocre wife

[Malara]

I've given up trying to get my partner to do better with sharing the mental load. He has improved a bit but I'm exhausted from having to be the family safety net when it comes to making sure everyone's needs are met.

So I decided this morning that I'm going to be a mediocre wife. I'm not going to anticipate other people's needs, I'll do things when asked - maybe even reminded a few times. I might not do them very well but that's ok, right? I'm deleting all my to do lists.

Is this a reasonable reaction to reaching the end of the line? ( I'm aware divorce is somewhere in our future).

I would say come round my house*, where I've LAID PATIO (and rubber safety tiles - see picture), built kitchen cabinets and storage cupboards, installed picture rail, skirting, done tiling, stripped wallpaper, made alginate moulds for plaster cast repairs to trim and cornicing, removed distemper, done plastering, removed polystyrene ceiling tiles and repaired the ceiling, stripped and renewed manky sealant that my ex used his finger to smear in place, leaving craters for black mould to breed in, instead of using the proper tools for a smooth, hygienic finish, laid carpet and vinyl flooring and painted every imaginable surface.... That's just some of what I had to do in my old house while lazy twat ex behaved like a manbaby and in my new house, as a single parent to a SEND kid with complex needs, and full time student (now with a first class honours degree in mechanical engineering and PGCE teaching qualification). The only thing I can't do is piss standing up and that's only because I haven't bought a shewee.

*However, I've seen your other comments and I'd rather shit in my hands and clap with my mouth open than have that pick me girl tradwife energy in my household.

My weaponised incompetence-using manbaby was also abusive towards me and recklessly endangering to our then 18 month old, so the 3 years I spent painstakingly getting us out safely was a no-brainer. I will say this though, whatever your circumstances, I find that single parenting is easier without the constant black cloud that is trying to coparent with a useless partner who is incapable of taking any responsibility. Good luck 🍀

Is there a hint of entitlement and preciousness, both of which are the death-knell of teamwork. No teamwork equals no marriage. So simple.
It's cold and unforgiving in the single world. Hasten slowly!

Please mansplain to me how it is entitled to decide to leave someone after they have subjected you to 16 years of domestic, financial and psychological abuse, which was starting to affect our 18 month old? This is a man who, once lockdown was in place, ramped up and terrorised me daily, because he could. Bear in mind that at that point, he was on furlough, doing nothing except playing on his games console. I couldn't walk (I still need back surgery) and was doing all of the child-rearing, cooking, housework and renovations, which added £20k on our sale price, which he took half of, of course.

And it wasn't just me. Some of HIS family members witnessed it when restrictions were relaxed and they supported me to get free of him.

He wasn't even a good provider. Please bear in mind that I was the breadwinner for the first 13 years of our relationship before I had our son, so I know how to hold down a job and was arguably so busy doing so, I couldn't see his red flags sooner. He changed jobs frequently because he treated his bosses and colleagues exactly how he treated me. Not just work shy; hostile, entitled and incompetent. He also stole from them, faked his timesheets and one time, when told he couldn't have specific holidays because the MD was having those days, guess what? He took them anyway. We had a knock on our door that night. The MD reposessing his work phone, laptop and vehicle but not sacking him, oh no. He wasn't sacked, but he was going to resign in protest at the pettiness of taking away the work tools for the holidays.... Two days after I left him, he was sacked from another job (saw that coming a mile off and was so relieved to be free). He had been stealing diesel, amongst a host other things. Some of his family are still in denial, because he is so very good at hiding who he is from anyone who might be believed.

He is an awful person, father and employee and living with him was so hard that, by comparison, raising our disabled son alone, while completing my degree and PGCE, and fixing up the near-derelict house that was all I could afford, has been an absolute breeze, by comparison.

But please, do tell me how entitled I am.

I lived alone and owned my own home for over a decade before meeting my STBxH so have dealt with my own drains then, and whilst with him have landscaped the garden myself including building dry stone walling and steps.
You may see yourself as cliche of a stereotypical women but many of us are far more competent than that!

I suppose it depends… if H is working full time, leaving the house at 8 am and getting in at 7 pm or later. and W works part time, then I think it’s only fair W does more of the “life admin” ( and vice versa)

I'm afraid I think you are being unreasonable. I appreciate this is going against the flow but I was brought up with the notion that in all aspects of life, you should set out to be the best that you can be. Sometimes the best one can be is not as good as some others, but that doesn't matter as long as it's the best you can do. It has served me well and something I have instilled in my children too.

It works well until you get taken advantage of

@Eddielizzard You could say that about anything so I'm inclined to disagree with you. Imo one must rise above those who take it/you/one for granted and still be the best you can. The alternative (as implied by your reply) results in a downward spiral in my view. Leadership is as much about setting the right example as anything else imo and deliberately setting a poor example, especially to children, is simply not on my playlist. Apologies for disagreeing.

On the whole I'd agree with you @MyObservations but consider what you're modelling for your children when it's your DH who's taking advantage. This is exactly how these awful gender stereotypes continue.

It doesn't have to be a downward spiral. It could result in the DH stepping up and taking responsibility for his own life admin.

The ghost of Margaret Thatcher walks among us.

That might depend on what she is doing when she gets home. Kids, cooking etc= still working.

Also it’s a joke to think that you can inspire a lazy man with “leadership and setting an example “. As if.

Exactly!

When will you be round to do my cleaning?

Yes the past few years I’ve started being a mediocre partner and family member and friend, I am sick of feeling drained and exhausted , I only give back to those that give to me. I am just too tired to give anymore than this these days.

nah Don’t agree with this being a man and going to work 8-7 is a cop out! If he was earning a fortune to get a cleaner and take away one aspect of what the ‘women’ has to do then maybe I could let it slide abit.
sorry working part time, doing all the childcare, cleaning, mental load , its much harder. Would rather go to work 8-7 and none of the childcare, cleaning, cooking, food shopping and mental load!

Ditto!

@Eddielizzard I don't see the connection I'm afraid, between one being "a mediocre wife" and "a DH stepping up..". I still maintain that one needs to be the best one can but that doesn't necessarily mean running around after another who is failing to do their job. In my experience it is easier to take someone (DH for example) to task for not pulling their weight if you are doing your job really well. Of course, each to their own but I'll stand by my philosophy. 😉

You could do worse

I think menopause and peri actually gives us the ability to be more man like and more selfish and that’s no bad thing
all then caring hormones slide away and it’s a new dawn
I can see why years ago they called it the change
as so much really does change around that time

Oh yes. It certainly does. I’m regularly painted as selfish unable to put anyone else before me, now, whenever he hears ‘no’ and throws a little mantrum

@Typicalwave Mantrum 🤣🤣🤣 brilliant, never heard that before!

😄