I've decided to be a mediocre wife

[Malara]

I've given up trying to get my partner to do better with sharing the mental load. He has improved a bit but I'm exhausted from having to be the family safety net when it comes to making sure everyone's needs are met.

So I decided this morning that I'm going to be a mediocre wife. I'm not going to anticipate other people's needs, I'll do things when asked - maybe even reminded a few times. I might not do them very well but that's ok, right? I'm deleting all my to do lists.

Is this a reasonable reaction to reaching the end of the line? ( I'm aware divorce is somewhere in our future).

Yep, exactly. I always made it clear to DH that I either worked or I was a housewife because I considered them both full time jobs. And if he didn't have two jobs why should I?

After we had our DDs I actually missed my job and wanted to work part time, but made sure we kept our cleaner and I found a gardener, too. I also refused to cook anything from scratch, we either ate out or shopped at M&S for all their convenience foods/meals.

Virtually zero resentment or domestic stresses as a result.

@megachocs7 am I mean to want updates on how that is working out for you?

I’m also a mediocre wife. DH is a grown man with a big job, he’s perfectly capable of remembering and organising the things that are important to him. He sorts his side of the family for Christmas and birthdays, on the days where it’s his turn to do the school run he has to know what’s going on (and does so by engaging with the primary school WhatsApp group and parent comms app) and he’s in charge of both buying food for and preparing the kids’ packed lunches. And you know what? He copes admirably. He even asks me if there’s anything on my list that he can do as I’m not brilliant at communicating sometimes.

I also very much disengaged with the primary parents’ helicopter parenting when DD1s secondary transition happened. I do read the letters but I don’t have logins to any of the homework apps or Google classroom, nor do I pack her bag for her. She’s 13, she’s old enough to organise herself for school and if she decides not to do her homework then it’s her that will get detention. It baffles me that there are y8 students being reminded to take their PE kits STILL.

I wouldn't respect someone who wanted / expected me to skivvy after them. This isn't 1950s. We're both responsible adults

Yes, but as as I said up thread, as his memory issues are related to damage done by medication rather than him being generally useless, I don't mind. I would like to think he would help me out had the boot been on the other foot.

But you do you.

@Arraminta with a cleaner, a gardener and eating out all the time I’m not surprised there were no domestic stresses! That’s not the average person’s situation

I've said you are being unreasonable. It's ok to let your husband fail if he's not organising himself but it sounds like there are kids in the mix. You shouldn't let them down just to score points in a failing marriage.

This is probably why we never get birthday cards etc from my grown up stepsons...never mind

Again…what gives you the idea she’s letting her kids down? The Op said ‘mediocre wife’ - it’s other posters talking about being mediocre mothers.

I'm pretty mediocre and everyone seems quite happy overall

A mediocre wife is still doing more than a "good husband".

I stopped years ago. He always leaves his stuff all over the place, never in the same spot. In the morning he'd be all frantic trying to find his things to leave for work. So to help him out I started gathering his things in one spot before bed. I did it for weeks, and he never once said thank you or acknowledged it. Then one day he made a comment about how organized he'd become because he wasn't having to find his things in the morning!

I am going to quietly say I am the opposite and a fully committed mother and wife, why? Because my dh works hard, if not harder than me to really be there for us in every sense of the word. So I never begrudge him anything at all, because he deserves the love and care I can give him. I am only sorry so many are having to deal with such poor behaviour from adult men that should know better, and DO know better.

If he became mediocre overnight I would divorce, I am not good with resentment.

I do agree broadly why flog yourself for a perfectly clean house etc though conserve your energy for more rewarding life experiences. I often wonder how much could be achieved if and when we are truly liberated from this drudgery with AI.

Well as my DGC's school doesn't send physical letters, how do you know about trips, non-pupil days etc?

This is my kind of thread! I’m giving fewer fucks by the second! I’ve cancer and in pain today, so giving even fewer fucks than usual!

Having come from a family with traditional chauvinist man, I chose my husband/s on purpose to be goodies, humble, quiet men. I brought the money in, so they had to do tons of work in the house ...also village and agriculture lifestyle cannot go with a lazy man or woman

Ouch!😮

This is one of the main reasons I kept full time. I wanted an equal footing on the work hours front as I had zero interest in handling the lion's share of the mental load/ house work/ life admin.

Interestingly, one of the many reasons South Korea's birth rate is nose diving appears to be because women are required to work crazy hours (alongside men), but because of the very traditional culture, they are also expected to pick up most of the housework and caring. Not only for children, but for both her and her husband's elders. Understandably, many women have said, "nope". The government throwing money at the problem is not working. I wonder why?

But on another account I ended up in the UK because one of my daughters lost a lot of energy after she has given birth. Could never recuperate her sleep or energy ever again and the lovely Balkan cooking ended and her husband got annoyed. This is why I retired earlier and joined them to help her. Then I got less and less mobile and now they have to look after me but her first birth almost challenged her marriage because he is a very rich and demanding man but would not pay for a cleaner or cook

I don’t have logins to any of the homework apps or Google classroom, nor do I pack her bag for her. She’s 13, she’s old enough to organise herself for school and if she decides not to do her homework then it’s her that will get detention. It baffles me that there are y8 students being reminded to take their PE kits STILL.

Quite. Though some think this makes us lazy parents? But I figured if our DDs could pass the 11+ then they were perfectly capable of organising their own school bags and remembering their hockey kit.

Perhaps not surprisingly DD is very organised and resourceful and secured a prestigious internship with one of the Big Four. She's amazed at her fellow students who still don't make their own dental appointments and still rely on their parents to sort out their university accommodation.

I do what I can manage sustainably, and if anyone complains, I say, you can always do it yourself.

I'd rather accept a lower standard than overwork myself and I do find that if you step back then other step in more.

by having less energy or physical resources than other women, you are not less than as a woman, wife and mother. You just tailor it and hopefully your husband is a team player. If not, yes, conflicts arise and it is not a nice place to be anymore. My father was always criticising my own mother and no matter what she did or tried, he always would complain: your sheets are not washed too white, woman, you are not a great cook as my mother. - I used to hate this part in him, despite loving the rest of him and made it a veto I am never going to marry such a character. I had a purse very early on in my life , so this gave me much broader choice than what my mother had in terms of men

I am also a mediocre wife.
Everyone wins that way I say.

My DP has always been absolutely shite at doing things. May be weaponised incompetence, whatever.

A few months ago I snapped and said he either pulls his weight or he pays me a wage to do it for him. He chose to pay me, and we've adapted our direct debits into the joint account towards the bills.

I'm self employed so if I have to pay less for the bills, I don't have to work as much.

So I've dropped my hours to pick up the slack at home, and he pays the difference. In fact actually a little more than the difference, so I'm better off lol.

Same with us.

I would be happy to stay if he did better but this is half a life.

I've got to do lists coming out my ears and he just sits on the sofa looking at his phone.