I've decided to be a mediocre wife

[Malara]

I've given up trying to get my partner to do better with sharing the mental load. He has improved a bit but I'm exhausted from having to be the family safety net when it comes to making sure everyone's needs are met.

So I decided this morning that I'm going to be a mediocre wife. I'm not going to anticipate other people's needs, I'll do things when asked - maybe even reminded a few times. I might not do them very well but that's ok, right? I'm deleting all my to do lists.

Is this a reasonable reaction to reaching the end of the line? ( I'm aware divorce is somewhere in our future).

Yeah, SIL (who claims to be a feminist) once commented to me that ‘we’ had forgotten BIL’s birthday.

I told her ‘I’ was not in charge of birthdays for DH’s side of the family.

We have a shared calendar, I communicate about e.g. who is taking DC to the dentist, but I’m not his PA.

I work fewer hours so I do more house shit, but I don’t chase, if it’s not on the shopping list it doesn’t get bought, etc.

We’ve always been like this though, it’s not revenge or resentment.

Me three!

This is the way. I've always done this. I'm happy to do for me and the kids but I'm not doing it for a grown man. Im not his mother.

He sorts all his own family out regarding visits, birthdays, Xmas, mother's Day ect. Does this mean that they don't get cards and presents in time - yes but not my problem. It's up to him to ensure he has enough clothes, toiletries and shoes in good condition to wear. Does it mean everything is worn to rags and most of his boxers have holes in and won't get replaced until Xmas -yes again. Don't put your clothes in the wash basket - don't get washed. He's decided he is doing a carnivore diet, it's up to him to buy all the extra meat/ dairy/ ridiculous ingredients to make carnivore diet food that he needs. I've shopped for me and the kids and what we will eat.

We go on days our, I pack me and the kids up, I ensure me and the kids have coats/ jumpers/ appropriate footwear and it's up to him to fend for himself. Most of the time he has no coat/ jumper/ drink/ food but that's not my problem.

No man to contend with in this house, long divorced, mainly for the reasons you're describing, but I do make my dc responsible for things. I work full time, my dc see that, they see things fall by the wayside because one person can't, and shouldn't, do everything, but nothing major is forgotten. It's a much nicer, and easier life than I used to have, trying to be everything or everyone and still falling short!

YANBU at all to be a mediocre wife, especially to a mediocre husband.
The only caveat I would add would be anything that negatively affects the children (if there are any) has to be done. For example if they need clean uniform and he has said he would sort it but doesn't, I would step in and deal with it (then use his toothbrush to clean the toilet!)

Nope, not unreasonable at all. Even on dating sites I match their effort with regards to messages. They send "hi" they get hi back. They put effort in, so do I.

I am also a mediocre wife. I think that helps everyone to step up and makes you be a fab parent as dcs start doing stuff too when they see their dad does their own laundry and gets food together.
I also feel more respected as I value my own time away from drudgery and go off and do things for myself.
win win.

Whilst I understand this mentality. You’re still doing bulk of it so it’s not really solving the problem.

This was me. I’m just naturally basic. As a result my kids are pretty organised and confident in life. They amaze me!

Seriously? You didn't read the emails from school when your daughters was in y8? Sounds crazy to me. Or lazy parenting tbh. As your child is only 12 in y8 school has to communicate with you. Can't believe you're proud of yourself for this.

As for the school WhatsApp group all that ended in secondary- the kids all have phones and can reach each other which is a relief I will grant you that.

I still get pissed off when I remember about the time, many years ago, when DHs dad got nothing on Fathers Day. Somehow I was to blame! We were living together but not married at the time too!
Deffo go mediocre wife OP

You're still doing the mental planning though by reminding him.

I think you should stop thinking of being someone's wife as a job you do at all, whether it's well, mediocre or badly. Wife is just the label for a woman in a marriage. It's not a job with KPIs where you will be appraised and rewarded for excellence by your husband/enployer, is it? If you feel you're doing more than your share, then stop working for your husband altogether. Do the things you need to do for yourself and your children to the standard you want to do them to.

Years ago there was none of this, what exactly is the increasingly high level of communication about and whats the need of it?

I was a fairly mediocre single parent when my DCs were younger.
They organised themselves to school once they were at the secondary that was in walking distance. They organised their own kit for sports clubs. I couldn’t believe there were still 14/15 year olds saying ‘Muuum, where’s my gumshield/boots/socks/water bottle?’

IME if you act like none of it is a big deal, it works well - show no weakness! My DH does all his family and friends stuff and organises our social life. If it was left to me nothing would happen at all. I do things for his parents because I love them, not because I have to. Not having that responsibility/resentment makes it much easier.

I don’t have any DC but (middle aged person alert) when I was a child my mum was always really busy so DSis and I were left to sort out about 90% of our own stuff and we only asked her if we really needed help with something, or permission. Seems nuts now but DSis and I are both well-functioning adults.

If your children are very young, you’re being very unreasonable. Just to score points against your husband you are going to ignore your children’s needs?

Some of it has replaced paper letters coming home.
some of it seems to be incompetence where a school is not able to collate all messages for all year groups and send it in one email.
some of it is constant communication for fundraising events because schools are so reliant on parental donations.

There were barely any letters coming home when I was at school in the 70s and 80s, parents evening yes, letters about school trips yes but certainly not the onslaught seen these days

where did the OP say she was going to ignore her children’s needs? It’s not even clear from her posts she has any, it’s implied by ‘family’ but that might be her DH and their wider families.

Is this mediocre wife badge territory? I think not. It's not somehow automatically our job to step in and pick up the slack that any man decides to leave.

My MIL thought I was the devil incarnate because I never once got involved in any DH family expectations. If DH didn't do it, it didn't get done. So none of them got birthday cards, Christmas gifts, blah blah blah.

Ask me if I felt bad about it? Did I fuck.....

If the school needed to contact me specifically about only DD then the school had my mobile number. For 98% of the generic school correspondence, yeah, I wasn't getting involved. It was just pointless blurb. It's not lazy parenting, it's Efficient Parenting and allows you to save your mental energy to fully engage with the actual important stuff.

I'm probably a mediocre parent as well as a mediocre wife.

DH is responsible for all his life admin including everything to do with his family. I don't remind even if it looks like he's forgotten.

Kids are also responsible for their own packed lunches (I provide school dinners, if they want packed lunch, they have to make it themselves).

My DH deals with his family and I deal with mine. I don’t think that makes either of us mediocre.

What has led you to feel this way? I've been having a hard time with my DH. The way you explain it makes sense to me. I'm guessing he is emotionally detached? Do you have children? How long have you been together?