I've decided to be a mediocre wife

[Malara]

I've given up trying to get my partner to do better with sharing the mental load. He has improved a bit but I'm exhausted from having to be the family safety net when it comes to making sure everyone's needs are met.

So I decided this morning that I'm going to be a mediocre wife. I'm not going to anticipate other people's needs, I'll do things when asked - maybe even reminded a few times. I might not do them very well but that's ok, right? I'm deleting all my to do lists.

Is this a reasonable reaction to reaching the end of the line? ( I'm aware divorce is somewhere in our future).

So reframe it now… being a ‘mediocre’ wife should be the baseline. As in it is actual what being a good wife is. Having an equal partnership and respect between 2 people that enable each other to put themselves first and look after their own needs as well as each other. For longevity of the relationship both partners need to be ‘good’ which means also looking after themselves as well as the family.

Why were you doing all that in the first place?
I think what you call 'mediocre' is what I would call 'not being a doormat.'

I decided this years ago with DH. I was still a Perfect Parent 😉but no longer anticipated DH's every whim and never reminded him of stuff he was supposed to do for DC or his family. It's very refreshing. You get a lot of energy back.

yes v reasonable - hold yr own. If you don't look after yourself you are in no way able to look after anyone else

Same.

My husband has his phone with him at all times but will ask me what bin it is for the week when he takes them out every Thursday. I just say “I don’t know, check the website” because it drives me nuts that he can look up anything on the planet from his phone but instead asks me.

I don’t ask him what bin it is. I usually try to recall from last week, or notice when I put rubbish in and if I don’t, I go on my phone and check. I have it saved on my Home Screen.

If he can be proactive at work which I know he is, he can be so at home. He was a bloody director. 🙄

I do most of the mental load stuff and that's fine, but I did take a stand over having my DH add to it.

I started one day when he did his usual, "Remind me to do x when we get home." Passing the responsibility to me to remember for him, as usual. It wasn't anything that affected me if I didn't remember, or the children, just him and would be difficult for him if not remembered. I responded with, "If I remember I will remind you but I have a lot of think about already, so no promises. Remembering that isn't actually my responsibility, that's yours, so if I don't remember, that's on you." A bit of a grumble but he got out his phone and sent himself a message to remember.

Sometimes these men need a reminder you're not their mother.

The fact you’ve positioned is as being a ‘mediocre wife’ shows the issues. A wife isn’t someone who does everything and sorts everyone out. A wife is just a partner to a husband.

Oh I didn’t realise people do this for their husbands 😂
Ive never done any of his life admin or his family stuff except Christmas presents which I don’t mind doing.
I must also be a mediocre wife, but I’d say I’m definitely not a mediocre mum 😬😂

After seeing my mum basically be a slave to my dad, I vowed never to be the same. We both have different things that we sort out - he does all the utility bill admin, I do all the school admin, for example. He does the bins, I do the dusting. Etc etc. We both work full time, why should I do more chores and mental load crap just because I'm female? I'm not a mediocre wife, I'm just a wife! I think your thread title is very telling about how you think women 'should' be, and that's very sad.

Yes welcome to the zero fucks given club, I just don't give a fuck now I'm peri

you're making a mistake, mediocre is way too good considering that he makes no effort at all. You should be even more shit than he is, more specifically you should fuck up anything which affects him but make sure you & the children are ok .

@TooManyBooksUnread
I responded with, "If I remember I will remind you but I have a lot of think about already, so no promises. Remembering that isn't actually my responsibility, that's yours, so if I don't remember, that's on you."
You're being too good to him, you spent all that effort explaining, I would advise that you respond 'yeah sure' and then put it completely out of your mind. He will learn quicker that way. If they treat us as subordinates we must do it back to them, and then some.

I suppose it was a fancy way of saying, "Not my responsibility."

I did just drop the ball on other things (after telling him I'd be doing that, to be fair, since it was a change). If they didn't happen, it wasn't my problem (and they usually didn't happen).

Yep me too, I’m not going above and beyond for anybody. Not anymore. You can fix your own meal, do your own thing. I don’t have any energy left in me sorry.

Why would you every try and also be his brain as well as your own brain?

Recipe for being frazzled that.

It's completely reasonable, but it's SO FUCKING SAD.

As others have said, being the child of parents who don't give much of a fuck is crap.

I wish we could teach girls to tell the men they live with that they're only on board if they're on board with not living a shitty, messy, disorganised, mediocre life where everythign looks shit and no-one and nothing really matters. Where birthdays, for example, are not really anything special, and no-one ever makes an effort for anything.

There's loads of new evidence that living in a tidy uncluttered environment has a huge impact on mental health and therefore one's 'success' (however you define that) in the world.

I once read here what to say to men who basically say 'well I'm not bothered about living in a nice environment but if you want to do it go ahead.'

It was to do with being a team and about wanting to life to be better than mediocre and what everyone gains from being part of a team. And the fact that the woman deserves someone who's not freeloading off her vibrancy and energy and delight in the world. I wish I could find it again and if anyone has a link to anything similar please do put it here/

What I'm trying to say is, surely there is a better solution than ALL of us having the living standards and attitude to life of weed-smoking cocklodgers?

I think that's fundamentally what happens when women (understandably) give up trying to get men on board with being part of a team.

Same here! I know roughly the month but nothing else

What's changed? We were all perfectly capable of doing this in the 70s/80s?!

I don't think I know of a woman in Gen X or younger who hasn't reached this point to some degree. It's not about being "mediocre" but about no longer going above and beyond and being completely unappreciated for it.

I gradually stopped doing little things for my husband like buying his snacks at the store or making sure the drinks he liked were in the fridge. I'm not even sure he noticed...but he certainly didn't notice when I did it.

His family is all on him, from day one. I have my own family to deal with. I no longer go to his company holiday parties because they are misery and work and he doesn't recognize it or thank me for putting on a game face for the night. I also only cook dinner when DC home for dinner, otherwise, he can fend for himself. Unless I feel like cooking, I have no intention of doing so once DC are gone from the nest.

I do still plan all holidays and social nights out. If I left it up to him, it wouldn't get planned in time to happen and/or it would just be total crap. So while it's an effort that is completely unappreciated, I do it for myself.

I also make the bed, because I can't stand an unmade bed. DH is 50 and thinks the sheets just magically get washed and changed or, more likely, never gives it two thoughts at all. And if left to it, would just climb into an unmade bed each night.

I do less each year, because even though I keep doing a little less, it's still far more than I get credit for or he does.

And of course, he very, very few things he does do, he must announce, so he can earn his gold star.

I refuse to label myself mediocre. What sort of accolade is that.?

So the man gets off Scott-free with no label and we brand ourselves negatively because we're not a servant. I bet, as normal, men are totally oblivious to any of it, completely unaffected or concerned.

no thank you

I wish we could teach girls to tell the men they live with that they're only on board if they're on board with not living a shitty, messy, disorganised, mediocre life where everythign looks shit and no-one and nothing really matters.

too late! I wish we could teach girls not to bother with any deadbeat man who behaves and lives like that, long before they make a commitment to them. A very long probationary period neede, me thinks,

Indeed so. I remember that a letter to my dad from the school usually occurred only after some trouble or other.
My father was rarely bothered by it though, as, knowing some impertinent missive was due, I’d get up before him and intercept the mail.
I still have one example from 1976, announcing my three-day suspension for an offence which I much later made into a (spectacularly successful) career. It’s on my office wall. 😀
My father never saw it. Or the later one announcing my expulsion. They were simpler times. Intercepting emails would have been so much more difficult.

‘Materiel’?
What, like guns, ammunition, and body armour?
I didn’t realise schools had got that bad!
😄

I always thought I was a mediocre wife. My husband got made redundant, I hadn't worked for ages, I bagged myself a very nice job, and suddenly no fucker could see what needed to be done.

They all went blind.

And I did actually nearly go insane.

You fuckers.