I've decided to be a mediocre wife

[Malara]

I've given up trying to get my partner to do better with sharing the mental load. He has improved a bit but I'm exhausted from having to be the family safety net when it comes to making sure everyone's needs are met.

So I decided this morning that I'm going to be a mediocre wife. I'm not going to anticipate other people's needs, I'll do things when asked - maybe even reminded a few times. I might not do them very well but that's ok, right? I'm deleting all my to do lists.

Is this a reasonable reaction to reaching the end of the line? ( I'm aware divorce is somewhere in our future).

Yes, that's the tricky part because our kids are still relatively young.

My son has a medical condition and I have always been the one who pushes for better treatment. I would never, ever allow his medical treatment to slip just to make a point to my husband.

But my daughter needs equipment for her new rhythmic gymnastics class. My husband has said he'll get it ( after I asked him to take something off my list). Still no sign on it.

Another example : every year I looked after getting all the school supplies with no comment, no thanks. This year I told my husband 3 times that I was fed up doing it and that it was definitely his turn. Inevitably, he messed up and didn't have the right stuff. The kids were upset, I comforted them and he somehow managed to blame me for them being upset.

I'm just not stepping in to cover for him anymore. I'm going to be mediocre!

She says- 'I'm exhausted from having to be the family safety net when it comes to making sure everyone's needs are met'
'So I decided this morning that I'm going to be a mediocre wife. I'm not going to anticipate other people's needs'

It's clear there are other stakeholders/ dependents other than her husband in the mix. Kids seemed most likely.

100%, why be an unpaid slave…..it will be interesting to hear about their reactions when they notice……spend the evening doing some self care 😁

I didn't need to read anymore after you said this " I'm deleting all my to do lists." He has to grow up and think of others for a change. You asked him to buy your daughter something for gymnastics he said "yes" then he should buy it. When he flops he's blaming you fuck that call him out.

I bloody love this and hope you stick to it!! Look after yourself, take time for your self and as well as time for your kids. Treat yourself ! Only cook.for you and the kids, there might be left overs for him. Sounds exactly what you should do !

Well, my DS is in year 8 now (just started) and we have been informed by mail about books we need to buy, new rules concerning mobile phones, to please pay a deposit for materiel, which day they will take photos, day of parents teacher meeting etc etc. And I know we will be informed if there is any problems in the class and they wish for us to talk to our children, when there is a sportsday out and what to bring etc etc.

I can't imagine any parent just not reading the mails. 🤷‍♀️

I’m now a mediocre wife. It’s a game changer for sure. I will not do jobs I don’t want to do so dh can do it or it doesn’t get done. I don’t abuse my position and I’m fair, but I’ve stopped caring of xyz gets resolved or if things get cleaned.

If he's so useless I still think you should cover for the kids. They didn't chose to have a deadbeat dad.

Just don't do anything for him but don't let your children down. You can teach them gradually to be more independant which will make things easier for you.

I can really see why you have had enough. You were not born to be everyone’s slave.

And there would be no sex ever until he stepped up, I would find it so undesirable and unattractive to be with any man that couldn’t keep his word on something as simple as a gymnastic kit! He is just very lazy, and knows you won’t let the children suffer.

Cang say I blame you - men set their bat so low it’s not difficult to exceed it even marginally

Why should kids suffer because their dad is crap.
Not exactly fair on them

If you think divorce is in the future then get it over and done with early while you both can rebuild amd enjoy your lives. The younger you are the more chance of a happy life

What types of things are we talking about not doing? I am starting to think that my default setting is what you would call mediocre, but is just my normal.

I never had a role in my life that said "wife". DH and I have shared most stuff, or outsourced some. We both always worked full time. As a parent I am sure I have been lacking in some ways, but I always endeavoured to do what ever was needed at whatever point, be it buying plimsolls, or sitting through 3 hour dance recital. If Dh missed out on plimsoll buying, he's made up for it by sorting Uni shared accommodation / tip runs so no-one lost their deposit.

I love this term, l am with you all the way, You are my hero!! I will start from tomorrow, pity l just organised everyone for the week. Time to get my Sundays back.

This is my problem. DH announces he will "step up" and do the laundry... DD has no PE kit. DH announces he will make lunch... it's two hours after the fact and he's pratting about with a jus in the kitchen. What then? How do I find my way through this? He "sorts the kids" every other morning but wakes up late every time so there's inevitably crying, screaming, missed buses etc.

Also going back and forth about divorce. It's not fun.

You have chosen the path to Sanity, Peace of mind and a long Happy Life.
Proud of you 🙏
I did this when I hit middle age.
Game changing
Saved my life

I see you, I hear you. Divorce is also in my future and I’m with you.

I’m very surprised at how many people here were actually buying presents for their DHs family and friends, and managing their DH’s life admin!! Curious to know whether you are SAHMs?

I'm a sahm otherwise we would have divorced for sure. So he puts food on the table and I happily sort the kids out (one is autistic why I can't have a job).

It’s matching energy.

I haven’t washed my husband’s clothes in about 11/12 years. I have washed the odd thing if he has needed something specific but that’s it.

I once didn’t wash up for about 2 weeks. Just washed whatever item I needed. He washed everything.

I no longer get cards and gifts for his side of the family. Our niece and nephews I do as that’s different but not adult family. He has never bought for mine so why do I have to!

It might seem petty but I feel better for it.

Yes that bit you need to do...a must....

Just invest your positive energy (that you will save by NOT focusing on him) onto Things That Matter- you & the kids.
End of

So my husband isn’t great at the mental load of school/clubs/medical needs and general kid admin. But he does the weekly food shop, cooks all dinners, does the cleaning and sorts out the cars. I don’t think the answer is to just not do the things he’s terrible at.. it’s to leave the jobs he can do to him. When dinner isn’t on the table he’ll just have to go and pick something up.

It does sound a little late for you guys though.. why not get the divorce over with and start living a life of your choosing.

My parents did that. I was third of three so I think they'd given up a bit (and I have some sympathy for that now!) but at the time the message was that school didn't matter, teachers weren't worth listening to and I'd probably be fine whatever. Later, looking back, it mostly felt that they just didn't care very much. I do feel that if they'd have been more engaged, or at least feigned it, I might have been.

I fully agree with mediocre wifing though. My DH and I have always done separate laundry.