I've decided to be a mediocre wife

[Malara]

I've given up trying to get my partner to do better with sharing the mental load. He has improved a bit but I'm exhausted from having to be the family safety net when it comes to making sure everyone's needs are met.

So I decided this morning that I'm going to be a mediocre wife. I'm not going to anticipate other people's needs, I'll do things when asked - maybe even reminded a few times. I might not do them very well but that's ok, right? I'm deleting all my to do lists.

Is this a reasonable reaction to reaching the end of the line? ( I'm aware divorce is somewhere in our future).

I couldn’t even claim, nor want to be, a mediocre wife.

I’m a great partner and a fabulous mum. I have zero interest in ‘wifely’ stuff. Never have, never will. Been blissfully happily married for 30 years to a husband that thinks I’m perfect. I’ve never done anything servile.

do it. I quietly went on strike a few years ago regarding the food shop as I was fed up of doing it, along with also doing the cooking, the cleaning, working full time, two kids blah blah blah.

Guess what…. a week or so of bare cupboards led him to the shops and he’s now far more aware of keeping everything stocked up and we’re 50/50 on it now, and he’s also doing a lot more housework. The more you do, the more they expect you to do. Rein it in all the extra you are doing beyond your fair share and he may naturally pick up the slack, but this won’t happen if you are doing it all.

we now have three kids, a messyish house and very little resentment, on my part at least 😆

I'm sorry to hear your parents made you feel that wat, but that really wasn't how it was for us and our DDs. We made it abundantly clear that their education and getting excellent grades was a priority. They went to a grammar school so academic success was largely a given and they both went to good universities.

But I was never going to involve myself in the minutiae of school admin or give any head space to how many house points they'd gained that term.

I just couldn't be bothered with lowering myself to being mediocre. Just dump him,call it a day and live in peace. Life is way too short to play games.

This won’t work if being a mediocre wife results in a cost-saving that’s missed or a fine that’s incurred, or an opportunity not taken.
i understand your resentment. I am the same. Discovering my husband had severe ADHD helped a lot in how I approached things, and how much I had to accept.

Yeah, this. I now delegate specific self-contained household jobs to him too (eg keeping us on the cheapest electric & gas tariffs). Ideally stuff that doesn't make a difference to me (we split who pays for which bills as one big pot isn't possible with our employment set ups, and he has utilities) so I can completely remove it from my mental load.
I am actively training DCs to take responsibility for their own crap too, so eventually I can return to just managing my own load plus the household stuff that bothers me most. I walk them through tasks a few times, then offer reminders if I notice they haven't done something and finally, for the low stakes stuff, let them fail if necessary to learn through natural consequences. It's a slow process, but they are coming on nicely!

@Arraminta, sorry for saying this, but you don't work, claim not to shop, clean, cook, obviously are aghast at sitting through a long presentation when your dd has won a prize. You do jigsaws, have lunch and worry about your appearance after not really having any great illuminous career to speak of. All of which is absolutely fine and you can live however you want. But then you come on MN and try to make out you and your family are somehow superior to everyone else when most people are doing their absolute best, sometimes in difficult circumstances. Can you not just be grateful for your lot without the smug shite?

Find a better husband instead.

I don’t know. I’ve been a single parent most of my life (guess relationships aren’t my strong points, or I don’t tolerate twat’s. My ex has spent 8yrs out of my children’s childhood overseas (youngest is 17) and it’s always been on me. It’s tolerable when you’re a single parent though, as it’s you or nothing. I wouldn’t give him stuff to do though for the kids knowing he won’t do it. What’s stopping you from leaving?

I can’t get my head around this. Your DH didn’t care enough to do it, but you should. Fucking hell.

At secondary school age surely kids are perfectly able to tell you themselves??

Why? Not her family, not her problem. I’ve no idea when my in-laws’ birthdays even are.

I went on a week long girls trip then got Covid was laid out for two weeks. Family managed fine. Dh v good making our then young teens step up.

Ah, we have similar to the gymnastics issue too. One of DH's designated jobs is sorting equipment for one of DCs' hobbies. Both DCs outgrew their shoes for the sport. DC2 could have DC1's, but not until DC1 got a new pair. A pair of these particular shoes costs £10 if you're happy to wait 2 weeks or £15-20 if you need them sooner from a UK retailer. They are not £££ and he isn't on the bones of his arse. She had to ask every week for - I shit you not - more than 3 months, going through the same rigmarole each time of "do you really need another pair? Are you sure they're too small? Ok, I'll get a pair ordered this week..." before DCs were comfortably sized up. And even then he needed my help - "What size is she now? What do I need to order?". I directed him to the porch to check the labels in her shoes as I 'couldn't remember'...
In contrast, I sort out the equipment for their main hobby (plus subs, training camps, competition entries etc etc) and always miraculously manage to anticipate their growth with enough time to source the next size/stage up cheaply in the sales/second hand and pop it away in the cupboard until it's required. DC1 (11yo) is autistic and pulls no punches with her observations; during the extended wait for shoes, she ended up asking DH why Mum always has what's needed already, but it takes him months to replace essential pieces of kit even with weekly reminders. He huffed and nothings changed, but it's ultimately only him that looks bad. It damages their relationship with him too, but I already do more than my fair share, I can't do it all without burning out and he is supposedly a fully grown adult too.

This is very timely for me, after I lost my patience with my DH this afternoon. One of the kids asked if we had something in the cupboard, and he said all sadly that no, we hadn't had any for weeks. It suddenly occured to me that I'm just like his mum - he actually felt sad that the fridge hadn't magically refilled, as if he wasn't a grown man who could go to the shop himself.

It really is like having three kids instead of two. He'll help if I ask him, but why should I have to? Who asks me?!

I really want to rein it in, but find it harder to do in practice. I have to do the laundry and shop for me and the kids, so do I just not do his things? It feels petty then, but my resentment is really building.

Why should she though? It’s HIS relatives! If a man doesn't care why does it his default to his wife?

My bugbear is being asked information that needs to be looked up like a human Alexa.

‘What’s on the meal list tonight/when’s that late pick up this week/when does the boiler service run out isn’t it soon?’

I just honestly, neutrally answer ‘I don’t know off the top of my head’ which oddly sometimes results in a frustrated or wounded ‘I was just seeing if you knew!’ Before huffily marching off to check himself.

If it is info only I can access I (with equal lack of notice) announce ‘yes get a pen I won’t check again’ before giving said information. Which tends to result in frantic ‘give me a minute!!’ Which tells me he had no intention of retaining the info himself…

Well, you say you're headed for divorce anyway, so doesn't matter really.

If it affects your kids, and you're happy letting him take the blame instead of stepping in then the divorce needs to happen sooner rather than later.

They didn't choose him, you did.

Mine is chaotic - as in looks in cupboards for things that were in that cupboard three houses ago - and tbh I gave up trying to fly his head for him a long time ago. However, I do buy his mum a nice present cos I’m the only woman left in her immediate family and it’s not a massive hardship. On the flipside, he puts oil in my car and listens to my dad. I never left anything kid-related up to him because I made the mistake of becoming the Real Parent when they were small. My advice to new mothers is always don’t become the expert on your kids. Too late fucking now though 😱

Aw yeah - my other favourite is ‘remind me I need to x.’ Responsibility hot potato 😂

Honestly get a fucking PA if you want that kind of service, mate.

Not all of them

And they won't be able to remember costs and pick up times

And definitely not for extended visits

Sounds reasonable on paper, but it is important that your children, if you have any, do not suffer in any way in the crossfire of your marital strife.

I was a child in the crossfire - subtle insidious crossfire. Do not subject them to this.

Love it!

Go for it. Don’t put his clothes in the wash with everything else, any stuff he leaves around put it on the floor by his side of the bed. If he asks you for anything eg ‘while you’re out could you pick me up ….. ‘ the answer is no. I’d only cook for him if it’s a meal you’re cooking for all of you. I’d relegate him in my mind to a lodger for whom you don’t have to do anything.

And no, you don’t want to have sex.

Obviously it’ll lead to some sort of confrontation. So you tell him he’s lazy and useless at home & you’ve had enough. I wouldn’t say anymore than that, leave him to decide what he’s going to do about it.