To be angry at ex hiding cancer diagnosis?

[PlainJaneBrain]

After 25+ years together we’ve been separated for 2 and half years now but remained very close and dependent on each other not least as co-parents, but aside from living in different house and flat from each other, we probably usually spend more time in each others’ company than we did when we were together.

We saw less of each other over summer than we normally do and I thought that was just down to our holidays and the kids not aligning particularly well. But I found out on Friday that he was diagnosed with stage 3 prostate cancer at the end of July and has had several rounds of radiotherapy. He didn’t tell anyone except someone he works with so he could take time off (he’s actually self employed and told this other person so they could cover his work when needed). But he didn’t tell me, his own Mum, siblings or anyone else. I found out almost by accident (snooping in his post while at his flat). I ended up confronting him and he was just so bloody casual about it it’s really upset me and made me angry.

I wouldn’t mind but when we were together he was the world’s worst hypochondriac and now he’s like “it’s no one’s business and who cares anyway”. He’s lost quite a bit of weight and obviously lied to me about that saying he was dieting.

I know he doesn’t believe it but he still means the world to me and I’m gutted he doesn’t want me to go through this with him.

AIBU to think 1. He should have told me, and 2. He should keep me updated? We have two early teen kids.

Sorry, someone's dealing with cancer and your First thought is to centre yourself?!
And by snooping through his mail?!

You are awful, no mention of your poor dc and impact on them!!

He was dealing with it his way and your snooping took that away from him. It’s his illness not yours.

I'm sorry but I can't help but feel you've massively glossed over how unreasonable you've been. You're snooping through your ex's post? Don't you think that's a huge violation of his privacy?

YABVU. You’re divorced, you snooped through his post, and you are angry at HIM for not including you in how he chooses to manage his cancer diagnosis and treatment?! You are a walking red flag and sound very controlling.

His medical issues are for him to keep private or share as he chooses. This is basic.

You have no rights here. You found out by sneaking through his stuff. You are way too enmeshed here, your snooping is toxic behaviour.

I would suggest it’s his way of dealing with it. Perhaps he doesn’t want sympathy and poor you, he just wants to crack on with treatment and not discuss it

As to snooping that’s shocking. How would you feel if he came round to yours and started snooping

leave him alone

He has a serious illness and you are worried about how you feel? I don't know the reason why you are Exes but his health has nothing to do with you, maybe he kept it a secret so he didn't have to deal with your "feelings".

None of your business, I'm glad that your snooping in his post has upset you, you deserve to be upset! Had you still been together then maybe he would have had to tell you, whether he's told family closer than you is not your business either.

Wow can’t believe what I’ve just read. If I was your ex I’d be furious.

Poor bloke. It’s up to him who he tells and I completely get it. I’ve had cancer and it’s awful telling everyone. Then people talk about you and basically act like you’re about to die.

I think if it happens again I’d keep it secret.

YABVVU. He is your ex. You have no right to his confidential medical information, and breaching his privacy by nosing around in his post is deeply inappropriate. I can certainly see why you’re an ex.

Why are you snooping in his mail ?

Snooping through post is a horrible invasion of privacy - doubly so when you uncover highly confidential medical information - why would you deliberately do that? You shouldn't have been prying, but even then when you saw the NHS logo at the top of the page you should absolutely have stopped and not read on.

People have a right to deal with their illnesses in whatever way they see fit and if he's not even told his family members then I'm not surprised he hasn't told you.

I imagine he's protecting his children and if he has a good prognosis maybe he is thinking that he will see out his course of treatment and wait to tell the children once he's got a positive update. Stage three prostate cancer has a 95% survival rate (or at least it did when I worked in that arena).

Does he tell you other intensely personal things about his life? It would only be odd if he usually did and this is the one thing he has omitted to talk to you about. But to be honest from your post you have made his illness all about you... sorry to be harsh, but I wonder if you have form for this, which makes his choice even more understandable.

TBH leaving aside how you found out, I do think having two kids together makes a difference. Surely both of your would want to jointly manage their knowledge and expectations of his illness.

Yes it doesn't sound right you 'snooping' through his mail, but maybe that's normal in your relationship if you're open about such things?

If you are still close to your ex, I understand you might be upset he didn't want to tell you, especially if you are used to supporting each other and have kids in the mix who could be affected by this.

But, it is his choice how he deals with his illness.

If I were you, id apologise for going through his mail, tell him you will respect his wishes around how he deals with it, but you are there if he needs support and leave it at that.

This has to be some sort of reverse. There is no way anyone can be as self centred as you to make this all about themselves.

That poor man. He is being treated for cancer and you are making it all about you. Fucking hell. He didn't tell you his PERSONAL medical information. You stuck your ugly beak in and snooped. You are a total red flag zone. No wonder you are separated. I suspect "close and dependent" is shorthand for still having your toxic talons stuck in him It's a miracle he got away from a narcissistic control freak in the first place.

People deal with cancer diagnoses very differently. Even if they are usually sharers, they can go into shutdown mode when they get a cancer diagnosis. Sometimes it's a privacy issue, sometimes it's because they want to process it themselves first before they discuss it with family and friends, others keep it to themselves because they're worried about upsetting, frightening or burdening the people they love.

I'm sure you're shocked by the news and worried about the impact on your children, but you were really very unreasonable indeed to go through your ex's mail. Whatever your feelings for yourself or your children, it is your ex's diagnosis and their choice whether or not to share it. You do not have the right to 'out' them or be cross with them for not sharing.

this is one of the worst posts I’ve ever read on MN.

And snooping!! You’re so UR, there’s no point even discussing it with you.

Please tell me this isn’t true. He has stage 3 cancer, is seriously ill, is self employed which can add a whole other level of concern and you not only snooped but are now prioritising yourself? I bet he’d glad you’re an ex!

None of your business and snooping is very low!

Absolutely none of your business- he does not owe you or anybody else updates about his health. You owe him a massive apology for snooping.

What support did you offer him, why did you think it was OK to snoop?

WOW! I hope you re read your post and have a serious deliberation on your behaviour! I am in utter shock someone can behave like this, you sound like a awful self centered person and I really feel for your ex!